Reservation.

Well, I guess it is safe to say that God has taught me much about transparency over the last year. I have attempted to be as genuine and as honest as possible.

Now, I believe it is time for a new lesson.

Reservation.

You see, it is great to be transparent.. honest. But as with everything else, your intentions that lay behind that honesty is what is important.

Beware of being unrighteous as you strive for righteousness.

I have come to realize through very unfortunate events that ones transparency can hurt others as well as oneself. If, in your transparency you display darkness found in your heart.. especially to unbelievers... then any of your attempts to shed light are nulled.

I must confess, that I have harbored bitterness in my heart. In an attempt to expose truth, I sunk to the level of exactly what I was combatting. Instead of showing grace, forgiveness.. I seeked justice.
Now, I am the one who feels I should ask forgiveness of those I (knowing Christ) should have forgiven a long time ago.

I have removed my blog from my facebook profile for the time being.. and am still not sure how I will proceed with the blog itself. After a year of open book on facebook, it may be time to refine.

To you ..should you read this,
I do not write this to right where I went wrong. I do pray that you forgive me. I could justify my intentions but in the end my sin, which should have only fallen on my shoulders, has affected you.
I apologize.

To you.. who will never read this,
Forgive me for holding these feelings of bitterness and anger against you. Forgive me for judging you. Forgive me for never forgiving you.

To you...Lord.
Forgive me Jesus. I thank you for blessing me with sight of my wrongdoings. I pray Lord that you bless those I have hurt. I ask that you teach me to shine only light. Teach me reservation when my heart is misplaced and wisdom to know when and when not to share. May my actions and words only reflect the God I follow.

June 16th 2008

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Psalm 30

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I will extol thee, O LORD; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.
O LORD, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
Sing unto the LORD, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.
LORD, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled.
I cried to thee, O LORD; and unto the LORD I made supplication.
What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper.
Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

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It brings me to tears when I think that a year has gone by since this journey began. I have spent this evening reflecting, remembering, thanking...

I am overwhelmed with gratitude, a gratitude that cannot easily be expressed in words, but more so by tears of joy. I have written and rewritten this post.. and just cannot find the words.

I have no words. As I look back on this year, I am FILLED with joy and an overwhelming feeling of love. I am AMAZED by my very personal yet immense, amazing God.

I wanted to thank all that have crossed my path, walked with me, shared their wisdom or simply said one word in passing that may have touched my heart, stirred my Spirit. I wanted to write of the beautiful truths I have learnt, of the faith I was given... But my heart is simply bursting with these 3 words...

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THANK YOU JESUS.

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Casting your cares.

I read this a few days ago ..

"Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one's heart, its pleasures and its pains, to a dear friend. Tell Him your troubles, that He may comfort you; tell Him your joys, that He may sober them; tell Him your longings, that He may purify them; tell Him your dislikes, that He may help you conquer them; talk to Him of your temptations, that He may shield you from them: show Him the wounds of your heart, that He may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved tastes for evil, your instability. Tell Him how self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself and others."

Francois Fenelon

To me, this is confession. So often I beleive we hide behind the words "God, you know my heart". True He does. But did Peter not also say?

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7

I beleive we don't always share with him what is truly on our heart. And have come to realize that when you do.. then, you are right with God.
If your heart is unrepentant ....tell Him.
If you fear that he will take your wants away.. tell Him.
If you are angry... tell Him.
If you can't take anymore... tell Him.

He will guide you through. He can change your heart... if you let Him.

These are not confessions that look too pretty on paper. But since God knows your heart.. why not confess it... it is safe to share it with Him.. because..haha...He already knows!!

Testifying upon request.

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"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." - 1 Peter 3:15.

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This is for you...

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You are in a wonderful place right now. Maybe terrifying..I understand. To look around you and see no purpose to all of it? To search for something, anything to fill you... for even a moment. To be unhappy, discontented without even knowing why, without knowing what it is you are truly searching for.

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I say you are in a wonderful place because, although discouraging, see it as a veil being removed from your eyes. (It may lead you to understand the saying, I once was blind but now I see.)

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Many still walk around completly blind... I am happy, and praise God, that an inkling of light is seeping through.

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I have been there. And yes, it is a choice. You must make that choice. The God I have met will never force you to do anything. The choice is not as hard as you may think though... if you think God is knocking on your door.. all you need to do is let him in.

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All I had to do was let Him into my life. He placed the faith. He changed my heart.

In time.. things you once held on to.. don't seem as important anymore.

The fears you once had.. don't scare you anymore.

The past hurts..in time.. are healed.

You learn to hear His voice. You learn to trust Him.

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As for what you may think of "Christians" .. here's what I used to think.. I thought a Christian girl wore long skirts, admonished anyone who drank, cursed.. You know.. The good girl.

Here's my view of a Christian today... it is someone who lives their life trusting that the God that created this world loves them. Someone who wants others to experience the love of Christ. A regular person... with true hope.

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The love of Christ is a love that I can't even explain. His love fills you. He guides you through life. Reassures you when you need Him. Teaches you. And shows you what this life really is..

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Do you believe in God?

Is your view of God.. this BIG God.. that you haven't really met?

He is GOD. He is also very personal. I know.. it sounds absurd.. that this BIG God would take the time to talk to little me.. but He does.

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Since you are precious and honored in my sight,and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you,and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the

west. - Isaiah 43

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THIS is life. It is sometimes a hard walk...because...sigh we are human. But it is filled with blessings. It is beautiful. It does have a purpose.

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May Jesus keep knocking. May you keep searching.

May you meet someday soon.

En Cuba encontre mi lugar.

I will attempt to write it all out.. it has taken me a few days to blog about my trip..because in only one week.. I have seen, realized and learnt so much..

I know that this is not your usual vacation. I understand that I took risks that many would not. Please understand that this who I am. It was something I truly had to experience.

and Wow... what an experience. To speak openly with people about their lives, challenges, hurts.. To attempt to 'infiltrate' an entirely different culture. To, for a moment, try to feel with them. I laughed, I cried, I got angry, I hoped, I prayed...


Cuba May 2008
As expected, I did encounter a few dilemmas at the airport.. but not because of the gifts I carried but more so because of how often I have travelled to Cuba in the past year. At customs, they asked me a slew of questions, especially..why I was coming to Cuba over and over again.. After explaining my love for the country, I was finally let through.. Then, I was stopped with my luggage and checked for drugs. (Completly understandable that they would assume that of a young woman who frequently travels alone to Cuba.)


I spent 2 days at the resort. My friend Joel met me there and also had a room for the nights we were there. As much as I wanted to experience Cuba, I wanted him to experience a vacation. I wanted to let him know what it was like to be on the other side.

We spent most of our days off the resort, walking through the streets of Varadero. We ate in Cuban restaurants, ate 'real' cuban food. I have fallen in love with an entree called Camarones - cold shrimp, ketchup and mayo! He even showed me the room he rents out from an elderly couple in a 'duplex' while he works in Varadero.

Honestly throughout this whole trip, I could not have asked for a better companion, guide. He understood exactly what I wanted out of this trip and made it a point to be as open and as honest as possible. If you have ever been to Cuba, you know that politics and Cubans sentiments about them are not usually something they like to discuss. I am so grateful that he let me into his world and shared his thoughts and feelings with me. He was a true gentleman and has become a very good friend of mine. He said.. no matter how poor... "When a gentleman walks into a room..everyone takes off their hat."

Almost everything he owns has been given to him by tourists.. boxers, deodorant, toothbrushes, clothing, shoes, socks. (Yes.. he showed me his closet).

The night before my birthday, he brought me to the amusement park in Varadero. As you know, I still don't drive... he brought me there for the bumper car ride! I have come to the realization that thoughfulness is priceless.


Now.. on to Havana..
May 21st.
I was given the choice of taking the bus to Havana as all tourists do or to get there 'Cuban style'. Obviously, I opted for the latter. So we jumped in a Cuban's car and headed to Havana. Joel made the mistake of speaking to me in english... the car stopped, the man panicked and told us to get out. You see, a Cuban cannot have a Canadian or any any tourist for that matter in their car.. for any reason whatsoever. Later, Joel and I discussed this. He told me that luckily I could pass for a Cuban because had I been blonde and blue eyed there is no way I could have experienced half of the things I did. A Cuban will be brought to the police station should he have a tourist in his car, sleeping in his home and sometimes even simply walking together on the street. They can be fined up to 1000$ which is more than one year's salary.

Imagine.. being restricted to whom you can be with..

He finally calmed down and we kept on with our journey to Havana. One hour away from Havana, in the town of Madruga, the car stopped.... and never revived. Now stuck on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.. I could imagine any of us.. in a state of panic.. grabbing our cell phone...cursing..calling up any friend to come pick us up.. or, still cursing...calling CAA. Looking back, although yes, there was frustration..they didn't panic. It amazes me. So..we waited by the side of the road and a car finally stopped an picked us up and drove us all the way to Havana. It was quiet ride for me - Joel had warned me to not say a word, nor in spanish nor in english.. It was a very quiet ride...especially after he advised me that we were in a government car!

At times, I would get a little stressed, for example when packing for Havana. We are so used to stress here that we seem to 'work with it'. It has become some sort of defense mechanism.. I have now realized it is counter productive. Joel could not understand it. I will from now on remember his words. "The energy you use for stress could be used fixing the problem. Stress clouds a part of your judgement which could have been used for another purpose."

Havana is where I saw the real Cuba. Joel and I spent three days, walking the streets, visiting friends and family. Talking with them. Seeing their homes.

On one specific day..we packed all the gifts in two big plastic bags and simply walked around and gave them out randomly. We went to a school for the mentally challenged and gave out baseball caps.. I will never forget one of the boys who kept coming up to us to show us his new red hat.

To see the look of confusion on a little girl's face as I gave her a teddy bear.. she looked up to her mother, not quite understanding.. her mother nodded and gave me the biggest smile. As they walked away.. the chiquitica looked back at me, smiled and held up her bear.

Many people we gave to reacted as though I had given them a brand new car... "Oh no..I cannot accept .." many said as we gave them a tshirt, some stockings, and toys for their children.

I will never forget seeing Joel, a man who does not own much, give with such joy. A man who does not own much, walking back to an elderly woman begging in an alley and giving her a peso. A man to whom little was given, who gives much.


I had expected to take many picture of the places I visited and the people I spoke with. But somehow, I did not want to 'put them on display'. I can't explain it... I just did not feel right taking pictures..

The homes I visited were impeccable, in complete ruins, but impeccable. Their clothes are spotless. They have little but the little they have, they cherish.
They wash their clothing in a basin with a brush and whatever detergent they may have..

Imagine not having running water at your leisure. The water for the shower and faucets runs for a few hours in the morning and that's it for the day. So, after showering in the morning, we collected water in water bottles and buckets for our shower at night.

Imagine not being able to flick through tv channels... many of us sit in front of our tvs 'surfing' complaining that "there is nothing on tv." ... Imagine having only 4 channels to choose from...

Imagine not having a seat on your toilet.. because you just can't afford one.

Imagine having to carry toilet paper with you where ever you go. Because it is so expensive.. there is no toilet paper in public washrooms.

I was without luxuries. But somehow, more content than ever. You quickly learn to appreciate the little things.

It is true, that the laws in Cuba are becoming a bit looser. Cubans are now allowed in hotels-but not always treated with as much respect. They can have cell phones (which are usually given to them by tourists). They are allowed computers - with restricted internet access. Nonetheless, I was told, there is this underlying fear, distrust of the upcoming changes. I was told that many things will be changing in Cuba within the next two years... and that not all change is good.

As I talked with people.. the hope I had once seen in Cuba seemed to diminish. It is more... hurt and anger.. and survival. They survive. It angered me and broke my heart. I could not understand how a government, no... how people, can watch their own live in such poverty. Joel told me that he would explain it to me the day he comes understand it himself.

I had the opportunity to visit the statue of Christ. A year ago, a few weeks before being saved, I had sat under this immense statue and just stared at it for what seemed like an hour. It was overwhelming to go back with a complete different understanding....
"I now know you. Thank you."

I also visited a church. As I walked directly to the cross, everyone stopped first to pray to Mary. They call her the Patron Saint of Cuba, the Virgin of Charity. (For more info and history http://www.sacred-destinations.com/cuba/el-cobre.htm) This brought on conversations about the Pope, saints, Mary and of course Jesus...in broken spanish, I shared my beliefs. Why not speak directly to the source? Why not directly speak with Jesus?

Other than Catholicism, many Cubans follow Santeria (Way of the Saints) an Afro-Caribbean religion with some Roman Catholic elements added. We did not talk too much about it. Nor am I really comfortable looking into it too much right now. All I know is that is is a religion that grew out of the slave trade in Cuba and often times involves ritual dancing and sacrifice. Its a mix of Catholic beliefs and African ritual.
Ahi na ma. (Enough about that. That's it.)

Ironically, Joel went around testifying for me. Opening doors. Somehow, he always seemed to tell others about my faith.
We had many conversations and I had the opportunity to share my love for Christ, my story and my journey.

Joel's family showed me so much love. I spent much time with them and never did they treat me with anything less than respect and love. In the past few days, God has truly blessed me and in turn his family.. Joel's brother Randy has diabetes. They explained to me that in Cuba, it is impossible to purchase a blood sugar monitor nor the strips-they just don't exist. He owns an old kit that was given to him by a tourist and is quickly running out of strips. Once all the strips are done, he will have to resort to peeing in a cup, putting a liquid in it and then placing it over a fire. The color it changes to determines his sugar level. I promised, I would do my best to get him strips by my next trip planned almost 6 months away.

God decided otherwise... I never read magazines... but this week I flipped through a magazine and the pages fell open to an inserted coupon available only in Canadian pharmacies for a FREE Blood sugar monitoring kit with the purchase of strips. I now have 200 strips, the lancets and kit for Randy. If that is not amazing enough, a client I met a year ago in Cuba came to see me at the bank for a loan.. He is off to Cuba next week and is staying at Joel's resort!! Since I had helped him with his impossible mortgage a year ago.. he had no problems carrying stuff to Cuba for me. All coincidence. Nothing but a blessing.

I spoke with one man who twice tried to escape Cuba. The first time, he sold everything he owned to buy an engine for the boat. It collapsed in the ocean and he had to swim back to shore. The second time, he was stopped by the police before even reaching the water. Imagine... if we are unhappy with the place where we live.. we have the freedom to pack up, leave and start over.. They can only 'escape'.
He finally came to terms with his life and is now working in tourism.

I discussed the reputation Cubans have concerning marrying tourists in order to get out of Cuba. It does happen. One man married a woman from Italy.. leaving his country and family behind.. only to be treated as prisoner by his new wife. She finally let him leave, and he came home to Cuba.
Many people around the world get married for the wrong reasons. Nonetheless, those who married for love, are still together.. in Cuba and abroad.

We were very lucky that that throughout our trip, not once were we approached by la policia. It is not uncommon for the police to walk up to a Cuban in the street ask for his id card should he be walking with someone who looks like or is a tourist. They verify that the Cuban is not a jinatero (escort or prostitute). I saw some extremely young girls approaching much older tourists. It is disgusting that an old man would take advantage of such a dire situation.

Everyone in Cuba has a way to make money on the side. Not out of greed.. they simply have to. A hotel worker will steal forks from the hotel, sell them to someone who turns them into jewelry to sell in the market. A bartender will sell you a bottle from the bar. A doctor will take money from a hotel entertainer to write up a fake prescription in order for them to get a few days off (Joel...for example... paid for a very bad kidney infection last week).

Speaking of infections... I started a fever on the Wednesday night. My glands began to swell the next morning. My foot was twice it's size by friday. We rushed back to Varadero in the middle of Friday night, again by car, in order for me to get medical attention by Saturday morning. I had been bitten badly by mosquitos and ended up with a nasty infection. I can only imagine the fear of the driver who must have thought he had a Canadian dying in the backseat of his car!! At a certain point, Joel later told me, he actually had to ask the guy to slow down!!
Even after 7 injections and crutches... I have nothing bad to say about the experience. The nurse and doctor were amazing. At least.. I was able to experience their medical system. Even in those moments, we found reasons to laugh.

I am so grateful for this trip. It surpassed all of my expectations.
I will cherish the memories and continue praying for the people of Cuba.

Early one morning, as we spent a quiet moment looking out at Cuba from the balcony ... After spending the previous days visiting the slums, the dirty streets...after shedding tears for their lack of freedom...after seeing the injustice and great poverty...

I told Joel..
"Even after all I have seen... I still love Cuba."

He answered quietly.....
"Me too."

Be.

Just be.

Had this posted on my fridge a few months ago. Was reminded of it today.

Oración

Lord.. again, I am off to Cuba.. but somehow, this time, things are completely different. I pray Jesus that you be with me on this trip. I pray for opportunities to speak of you. Please, please do not let me encounter problems at the airport.

In my own little way, I hope to make a difference. I hope to make someone smile. I hope for the opportunity to share love with someone I will never see again.

Thank you Lord for the opportunity to take this trip. Thank you for all the people that have given me things to bring over. Thank you for sending those missionaries to me with words and gifts of encouragement. Just the preparation for this trip has been completely different, heartwarming, exciting and overwhelming. Forgive me for taking so much for granted... we are so blessed. Thank you for putting it on my heart to make this trip count.

It's not much...but it's my own little mission...

and I will do it with all of my heart.

Infinite Amazing Beautiful

"In March 2002, astronomers were keen to try out the Hubble orbiting telescope's spiffy new camera. The camera, installed by Shuttle astronauts during "five of the most challenging spacewalks ever attempted" was 10 times better than the telescope's old camera.On April 2nd, Hubble turned to the Cone Nebula, a gaseous pillar in the Milky Way 2,500 light years from Earth. After a 3.4 hour exposure, the telescope produced the beautiful image seen on the left."

http://www.rejesus.co.uk

...wow.

Surprise!!

Wow..
First of all.. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for surrounding me with such loving people. Thank you for putting it on their hearts to show me that they care.

Not sure I have processed it all. Not sure it has just yet sunk in. But am so thankful and feel so blessed that I type this through tear glazed eyes.

Thank you to all of you that attended my 'surprise 30th party'..
You simply attending warmed my heart in ways I can't describe. Honestly, moments like these are hard to come by.
And ha... I am truly at a loss for words.

The messages you wrote me.. I will engrave on my heart.

There are no other words but Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I pray that God bless you all for making me feel so so blessed today.

This is my commandment, that ye love one another, even as I have loved you. -John 15:12

You brought that verse to life tonight. Thank you.

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Lord,

I thank you for bringing each one of them onto my path.