Little one. Silent one. Do you know your design speaks to the hand of God?

7 weeks or so...
I still cannot believe it. This little life inside. I am so thankful for this beautiful gift and great responsibility.
I was given this life. I keep thinking about how amazing it is that even before Joel and I began to plan, our little life was already in God's plans.
God chose us to be this little one's parents & family. It is overwhelming to think and completly floors me.
GOD I AM SO GRATEFUL!
I am so amazed...


God... I am so amazed..

Already 6 to 8 weeks in, my baby's heart has begun to beat and blood has begun to circulate throughout his body. His umbilical cord will start to form, as will his head, eyes, intestines and liver.

God..
You made all the delicate, inner parts of this body and knit it together in my womb. Thank you for making my little one so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous -how well I know it. You watch as my little one is being formed in utter seclusion, as my little one is woven together in my dark womb. You see my little one before he or she is born. Every day of my little one's life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. (From Psalm 139)

Lord, Thank you. Thank you for my little one. Please help me protect this little life inside of me. Keep this baby safe and healthy Lord.

From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother's womb you have been my God.

Ranting...

I'm angry. And I need an outlet.

Was reminded of my blog today. The existence of it. With this reminder, I experienced, just as I have been for a while now, a tinge of guilt for not blogging more. For not capturing the good, the bad, the struggles and sometimes even the silence...

So even though, my return is an angry one.. I'm here, I'm back.

I don't like feeling this way. I was in a very heated discussion..ok..honestly, it turned into a downright screaming argument..with my condo association. I am angry that they are either lying now, or were lying two months ago..either way..at some point they lied.

I prayed beforehand.. but it definitely didn't turn out the way I prayed for.. SIGH............

I need to relieve this feeling on my chest.. of anger.. and disappointment..and anger..and anger..

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Last week... exhale...
Last week was an amazing week. I felt revival. I felt closer to God than I have in a while. It was an answer to much prayer and yearning. And it involved more and more prayer.

On tuesday I had a small group over. There was transparency in the air, open heart and confession. And although there was much darkness divulged, I would rather see darkness brought to light than it mulling up in someone's heart. I would rather the lies of the enemy be said out loud where we can rebuke them than to let them continue being whispered into someone's ear. It was a good night. A very good night. And I know God was amongst us.

I also had a group of girls over this saturday for prayer. We prayed big prayers. We prayed many prayers. We prayed more so for others than for our own struggles..Many tears flowed as we prayed for the men in our lives. It was a good morning. A very good morning.

Yesterday, I prayed before Westside. I prayed for every heart standing before me. I prayed that God meet them whereever they may be on their walk..that He meet them right there. And I meant it with all my heart.
I also worshipped fully and wholeheartedly and it felt awesome. I did not want it to end. I was on fire. God filled my spirit.
As we took communion, I meditated on Jesus' blood, washing over my sins. I felt cleansed and renewed by the blood of Christ. I thanked Him. I thanked Him for His sacrifice, for His grace, for His blood, for His love for me.
The message, Rooted in Love, reminded me that God still spoke to me. And that I still hear him. The verse Dave gave us..I had given (modified) to someone a few days before she passed away..

"This is my daughter whom I love; with her I am well pleased."

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Yes.. it was a good Sunday. A very good sunday.

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Now, I sit here monday night..ready to finish the questions for my new small group beginning tomorrow. We are studying Joshua and I'm very excited to see what God has planned for this group. There are many new faces and much restoration needed. I can't wait to see what God will do!!!!!!!

I am so thankful for the week I just had..and for the week ahead.

All in all.. It's been a good night. A very good night. I know God is still with me. :)

Toby. Jesus loves you.

Last weekend a great friend of mine and I went out. Before the night began, we had prayed that God show us what He wanted us to see and that He surround us with angels because my friend has such a heart for Montreal and it's people. So where better to go than the heart of downtown Montreal to gain perspective on this city..

My heart is not at the same place. I'm not sure if it is a bad thing to say.. although I care for people in this city and would gladly help her on her Montreal mission.. it is not my passion. It is not what makes my heart break to pieces. Oh..I just feel horrible saying that. I guess, I just feel like God places different heartbreaks on different peoples hearts cause one person can't do it all, and we each have a place and mission of our own.. all for the greater good of this world.. all in the name of Jesus.

Anyways, that being said.. we met a man named Toby on the street. He was standing on the sidewalk begging for money with a handwritten "beer fund" sign in his hands. We passed him once and then on the way to the car passed him again. Something about this 'Toby'.. something inside me just told me to not ignore this man.

So, I reached into my purse.

HA, at that point, my friend told me "You aren't really going to fund his addiction are you????"

I said; "No... I'm going to buy a prayer"

Now, I am sure the small change I gave him made no big dent in his 'beer fund'.. but it did open the door.. He let me pray over him!!

Anyone that knows me well, knows that it is very difficult for me to pray out loud. I do pray..ALOT.. but mostly in writing. My journal is more a collection of prayers and discussions with God than anything else..

This is what makes me beleive that the words I prayed over Toby where not my own, but God's wish for him. God wanted this man to know that He loves him and that he could change his life and bring him true joy, hope and LIFE.

Afterwards, we got a little insight as he told us a bit about his life. He has been living on the streets for the past ten years, begs for money (sometimes just out of lack of having anything else to do), and hear this, muffled under his breath, is somewhat getting tired of it..

We then encountered a deaf-mute elderly man sitting on the pavement. He was desperately making signs to drop change into his baseball cap. So.. I took out more change, squatted beside him and put my hands together and 'signed' to him that I was going to pray for him. Again, the words just came.. What was beautiful to see was that as I blurted out my prayer close into his ear.. he calmed down, stopped signing for change for a moment, pulled hard at his earlobe, closed his eyes.. and listened.

All of the praise and glory goes to Jesus. If it weren't for God..haha, there is no way I would be praying out loud that night. It is awesome that God would use a stranger to tell these men how much he loves them. That He would use a mule like me to talk. That without even my realizing it.. I was praying over men on a busy downtown sidewalk..words flowing out of my mouth.

JESUS you are truly awesome!! Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your conversation with the world that night.

Once home though, I couldn't fall asleep. All I could think was how great it would have been to have a place to bring this man. It got me thinking about how sad it is that our churches are closed most of the week and that the 'safest places on earth' are closed during the most dangerous times of the night. I started imagining people, broken, desperate, lost... thinking their last hope may lay in the hands God..crying at the door of a church.. courageously pulling at the door..only to realize.. it's doors are locked.

I guess that is why God sends his church out into the world. We just have to make sure we don't lock the door...

Death is the time to say I love you.

Michael Jackson's death.
I just don't get it. Why is it that we celebrate one's life once they have passed away but often times, don't do it when they are alive. This man was treated with such disgust,ridicule and scrutiny throughout his life... and now the whole world is calling him a legend.
I am in no way making light of his accomplishments, that isn't the point of this rant.

Im just terribly saddened by the fact that the dead get more respect than the living. I just don't get it..

My peach heart.

Why I'm still singing Blessed be Your name.

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Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand,

and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

Romans 5:1-2

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He is still a loving God...

I can count a million times

People asking me how

I Can praise You

with all that I've gone through

The question just amazes me

Can circumstances possibly

Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed

Long before these rainy days

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of

The dark clouds that may loom above

Because You are much greater than my pain

You who made a way for me

By suffering Your destiny

So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray



Holy, holy, holy

Is the Lord God Almighty

Divine intervention

I blogged out a letter to God but chose to delete it.

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I am not mad with God. I have many questions. I'm broken and searching for answers and comfort from Him.

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Nonetheless, midway, I deleted it. I am struggling and hurting. I am all for sharing my heart. But I would never want someone who is searching to fall on that one blog and by reading into my struggles instead deduct from it that God does not answer our prayers.

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I still beleive God does answer prayer. I still can't understand how, why, or when. But I beleive that He hears our cries. I think that He does intervene when we ask Him to..just not always in the way we would have liked.

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I asked God last night why He didn't hear my prayers, why He didn't make my father's spot disappear, why it had to happen now?

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I asked God "Why didn't You intervene?"

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I don't think I have often experienced God 'speaking' to me directly. At least not in this way..
But I am assured this time. So I will go ahead, at the risk of sounding terribly cliche and say it...God spoke to me.

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God said this.
'How do you know that I didn't intervene?'

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Yup..that's it. Nothing fancy. No thunderous words. No bright lights. Just one question, one sentence that completly interrupted my train of thought.

That one sentence... says a whole lot..

Your will be done.

After this manner therefore pray ye:

Our Father which art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done in earth,

as it is in heaven.

Matthew 6:9-10

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Due to crazy circumstances happening in the lives of many around me, I've had alot to pray for lately. It's gotten to the point that I don't know 'what to pray'. The Lord's prayer has been in my head for the last few days.

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Im processing alot of information and need to blog it out. Maybe once written out, I may be able to see the message more clearly. Not sure but it's worth a try. My head is foggy these days...

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Thy will be done.

God's will and my father possibly finding out that he has cancer. I don't think someone dying of cancer is in God's will. I don't think any sickness is in God's will. I beleive that when we pray to God that His will be done, we pray for healing. When we ask for God's will to be done in our lives, we pray that circumstances change to the way He would have intended them to be in the first place.

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Praying for His overuling hand to bring a touch of heaven to earth.

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When asking God for His will to be done over my father's life, I beleive I am asking Him to miraculously make the spot on his lung disappear. I am also asking for so much more. More than I could even comprehend.

In other circumstances, I beleive that God's will isn't shown in miracles, but that to see God's will be done, we must actively live it.

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My God is loving. He does not want us sick. Does not want us to experience pain. And would love this earth to be as it is in heaven. I believe that is His will.

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I have a hard time believing that it is in God's will for someone to be ill. I know that many of the 'bad' things that happen in our lives are caused by sin, ours or others, but sin nonetheless.

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I worried for a second that with my conviction that God is good, that I may be deeply disappointed should worse come to worse... but I am also understanding that choices we make lead to consequences in our lives.

Im still processing why God doesn't intervene in all situations, why people die when we ask for miracles.. I don't think Ill get the answer. My comfort is that God is still good, and there are things I just won't be able to understand in this lifetime.

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So I will keep believing with conviction, that God is loving, that His heart breaks when we suffer, that He is sovereign and that He can do miracles. I will keep believing that He can at times show us glimpses of heaven.

I will keep praying that His will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.

Same tree.

As I was walking home, I saw a man standing alone in a bus shelter. By the looks of him, he looked like any other average Joe. What was amazing was that from across this busy street, I also heard the man. Belting out, singing "Father, there is no name like your name." His voice was beautiful! He poured out his heart onto this busy boulevard with no reservations.
To many this man must have looked completly insane..sigh..a 'Jesus Freak'. But to me, for those few moments as I walked by and gave him the biggest smile, I felt connected.