On the inside.

.

.

My Spirit constantly weeps.

.

.

The ledge.

I am going through a season.
I don't want to hear it.. and it will push me further.
I am still reading, still aware, and still loving Christ.
But..I am tired.
I am tired of transparency. I am tired of everyone having an answer. I am tired.
I am writing right now more so for rememberance later than to share...
I am being bluntly and openly honest here.
What I want is silence. What I need is Jesus. Just Jesus.
Pray for me if you wish. Just don't tell me that you are.
Don't ask me how I am or ask for more details than this...
I am going through a season.

Fallen Angel.

To you..

My spirit cries for you.

You know that you are on a slippery slope. You have once again had a taste of this world. One touch to your lips and it all came flooding back in. It felt wonderful didn't it? Then why is it that you feel so empty?

It breaks your heart to be in the place that you are. Not lost.. but definitely not on a road worth walking.

What is it that led you to turn? What is it that caught your attention? One split second, one glance... one wrong turn.

So you stand on this road... looking ahead yet seeing the past..

His voice you once heard is getting fainter... yet He hasn't moved. He is right there standing where you left Him.. calling out your name.

Would Jesus approve?

A note I wrote on facebook.. but for all eyes to see..


Would Jesus approve?

Wow.. how many times do I hear that at work in a day. I am glad that at least my actions, my words are constantly under scrutiny at work. But I do need to explain something to you all about my faith.

I have been asked...
if I 'can't' drink... because of my 'religion'.
if I 'can't' have sex... because of my 'religion'.
if I can 'ask' my pastor if I can miss church for just one Sunday.

First of all my faith does not have much to do with religion at all. Which is why, when you ask what religion I am.. I say Christian.. which leads you all to usually ask.. what kind of Christian (protestant, catholic..).. which always leads me to answer.. just Christian.

And even then.. I say Christian... but basically..my belief is in Jesus and in the Bible. Plain and simple. No titles. I beleive in the root of it all which is God.

Now.. to what I can and cannot do.
It is more what I choose and choose not to do.

I lately read this in a book (The end of Religion- Bruxy Cavey) : "Do I kiss my wife to earn her love? Or do I kiss my wife to express the love that we already share? ... Sure, God wants us to live good lives, but the goodness we live out in this world is an act of gratitude for our spiritual life and not religious attempts to be good enough to earn that life."

As for the commandments which you all know so well :) The laws as some of you call them.
I knew them well also even before knowing Christ.
But wow.. if only I had read a bit further..

"Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes." Romans 10:4

"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. " Romans 10:9

You must have also heard the word GRACE before. (bah.. the song Amazing Grace ring a bell?)Jesus' grace is what saves me from the law.

If the afterlife were all based on whether or not we followed a set of rules.. Heaven would be a pretty large space with very little souls.

Nonetheless.. because I love my God.. I do try my best (and often fail, fall, disappoint.. which is where grace comes in again) to live my life with love and wisdom. Which by the way.. I have obtained most of by reading all those 'rules' in the Bible lol.

On my good days and even on the bad ones.. I hope I, at the very least, represent this one commandment by which I choose to live my life...

And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. -Mark 12:29-31

I think... Jesus would approve. :)

Standing at the gates.

How ironic that I find this after my last post.

Wisdom stands at the gates...

Proverbs 8
Does not wisdom call out?
Does not understanding raise her voice?
On the heights along the way,
where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
beside the gates leading into the city,
at the entrances, she cries aloud:
"To you, O men, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.
You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish, gain understanding.
Listen, for I have worthy things to say;
I open my lips to speak what is right.
My mouth speaks what is true,
for my lips detest wickedness.
All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.
To the discerning all of them are right;
they are faultless to those who have knowledge.
Choose my instruction instead of silver,
knowledge rather than choice gold,
for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
"I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
I possess knowledge and discretion.
To fear the LORD is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
I have understanding and power.
By me kings reign
and rulers make laws that are just;
by me princes govern,
and all nobles who rule on earth.
I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.
With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.
My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.
I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,
bestowing wealth on those who love me
and making their treasuries full.
"The LORD brought me forth as the first of his works,
before his deeds of old;
I was appointed from eternity,
from the beginning, before the world began.
When there were no oceans, I was given birth,
when there were no springs abounding with water;
before the mountains were settled in place,
before the hills, I was given birth,
before he made the earth or its fields
or any of the dust of the world.
I was there when he set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
Then I was the craftsman at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,
rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
"Now then, my sons, listen to me;
blessed are those who keep my ways.
Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not ignore it.
Blessed is the man who listens to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.
For whoever finds me finds life
and receives favor from the LORD.
But whoever fails to find me harms himself;
all who hate me love death."

Previous address. The world.

Looking in from the outside..standing at the outskirts of a dark place once called home, I know how easy it would be to just give in and return.

As I step into the world, standing on familiar ground, I see the sights I have seen time and time again..yet I feel like a tourist, I feel like a foreigner. I'm not quite welcome since they know where I now reside.... but at the same time, am aware of the invitation to stay..that is... if I promise to stay.
The enticing invitation filled with false promises.. An invitation to 'freedom' into a world which in the end would emprison me. A world to which I would become a slave.

The world.. Its just not what used to be.

Speak.

What a blessing it was to speak at the MB Conference tonight. It always brings me so much joy, fills my heart when I get to share my testimony.

I am so thankful..
..for the opportunity to share how amazing God is and how He truly can transform lives.
..that I was given such a beautiful story. That God worked all things together.
..that even with my stumbles, the Lord will not forsake me. He will use me.
..for the conviction, the faith I have been given.
..to be able to celebrate, worship, pray.
..for the chance to remember, to look back, to revisit the many events that led to this relationship I now have with Jesus.

Lord, thank you.

Pit stop.

.

.

There's no field of daisies around here... but if there was... I'd be doing cartwheels in it.

.

.

I am so content with all that I have today.

.

.

Reservation.

Well, I guess it is safe to say that God has taught me much about transparency over the last year. I have attempted to be as genuine and as honest as possible.

Now, I believe it is time for a new lesson.

Reservation.

You see, it is great to be transparent.. honest. But as with everything else, your intentions that lay behind that honesty is what is important.

Beware of being unrighteous as you strive for righteousness.

I have come to realize through very unfortunate events that ones transparency can hurt others as well as oneself. If, in your transparency you display darkness found in your heart.. especially to unbelievers... then any of your attempts to shed light are nulled.

I must confess, that I have harbored bitterness in my heart. In an attempt to expose truth, I sunk to the level of exactly what I was combatting. Instead of showing grace, forgiveness.. I seeked justice.
Now, I am the one who feels I should ask forgiveness of those I (knowing Christ) should have forgiven a long time ago.

I have removed my blog from my facebook profile for the time being.. and am still not sure how I will proceed with the blog itself. After a year of open book on facebook, it may be time to refine.

To you ..should you read this,
I do not write this to right where I went wrong. I do pray that you forgive me. I could justify my intentions but in the end my sin, which should have only fallen on my shoulders, has affected you.
I apologize.

To you.. who will never read this,
Forgive me for holding these feelings of bitterness and anger against you. Forgive me for judging you. Forgive me for never forgiving you.

To you...Lord.
Forgive me Jesus. I thank you for blessing me with sight of my wrongdoings. I pray Lord that you bless those I have hurt. I ask that you teach me to shine only light. Teach me reservation when my heart is misplaced and wisdom to know when and when not to share. May my actions and words only reflect the God I follow.

June 16th 2008

.

Psalm 30

.

I will extol thee, O LORD; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.
O LORD, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
Sing unto the LORD, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.
LORD, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled.
I cried to thee, O LORD; and unto the LORD I made supplication.
What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper.
Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

.

.

.

It brings me to tears when I think that a year has gone by since this journey began. I have spent this evening reflecting, remembering, thanking...

I am overwhelmed with gratitude, a gratitude that cannot easily be expressed in words, but more so by tears of joy. I have written and rewritten this post.. and just cannot find the words.

I have no words. As I look back on this year, I am FILLED with joy and an overwhelming feeling of love. I am AMAZED by my very personal yet immense, amazing God.

I wanted to thank all that have crossed my path, walked with me, shared their wisdom or simply said one word in passing that may have touched my heart, stirred my Spirit. I wanted to write of the beautiful truths I have learnt, of the faith I was given... But my heart is simply bursting with these 3 words...

.

.
THANK YOU JESUS.

.

.