RAW

"Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth:

therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty:
For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole."

Job 5:17-18

Raw.. my heart feels raw.

Here's a bit of my story.. can't tell it all.. there's no need - it's between God and I..

But some people who have met me lately may not see the Cindy that lays beneath.. may not have known the Cindy that is now transforming..

So many layers of filth have to be removed before we get to my core.. So much hurt, disregard, anger, sin..

I have been through more than my share of abuse. Abuse from men, abuse of men, abuse of myself.

Only now that I have stopped drinking, have I realized how dependant I was on it. I would tell myself to slow down after 15 drinks.. An acquaintance of mine told me a few days ago that I really drank alot, had quite the tolerance, especially for a woman.. Now, why didn't anyone tell me back then? (Ahh yes, my anger)
It numbed me. And to now be in a state that I actually have to deal with life - let me tell you, it's far from pleasant!

Near the end.. hmmm...I should say my beginning.. I lost complete regard for myself and all people surrounding me. I can honestly say that I really didn't care.

Now on to the rage.. another defense mechanism that never turned out too well..I used to feel it intensify in my heart until I completly lashed out. I still sometimes feel anger these days, but rage?

Hmm.. the men.. hardest thing to be honest about. The only word that could equate to my view on love was 'conquered'. I conquered men or at least I tried.

I was self-centered, insecure & proud..
I made myself out to be a much harder person than what was truly on the inside.

So.. now that I am on this new walk.. I have to face this all. I have to face it, break it down to the core and then let it go.

Not very pretty is it?
I have never had to look at the dark corners of my heart, have never had to feel the pain, the ugliness of it all. Back then, I had three choices when dealing with filth - run away, rage against it, or drink.

I now have three new choices before me...

See with my eyes, hear with my ears and understand with my heart.