Romans 8:28

It's been an eventful night sitting here at my computer. Tears, laughter, thought... deep thought..

I don't know anymore..

I will put my heart out there.. again not wanting to.

Last year I left for Cuba for many reasons. I left on my birthday.
My plans for this year were to leave for Cuba once again.. Honestly.. I still haven't decided if I am going or not.. (I know you don't want to hear that from me.. but it's the truth.)

The Truth... the one thing I truly hold dear. And I beleive is one of the most important things in my life. It is something I strive to live for.. the Truth. It is something I try.. even to my detriment sometimes.. to share..

So let's share some of my truth..

The reason I want to go away every year on my birthday is because I dread the thought of spending it alone. My first year in this house.. I remember spending my birthday weekend alone sitting on the floor of my hallway..crying. (This is not something I really like sharing..but let's go on). My friends backed out and family just didn't feel like leaving the house.. So there I sat..on my birthday..completly..alone.

Scarred.
I would rather spend my birthday with complete strangers than to feel unloved by my loved ones. And yes the past is the past.. but I am not ready to risk feeling that way again.
(Stubborn mule.)

Coincidences are leading me to rethink my upcoming trip. But my upcoming trip is leading me to rethink coincidences.
Is something trying to keep me away? Or is God?

I am so confused... and will have to pray this one out.. because at this point I am still not convinced..

God's will. I need to know.