Anniversaries.

Someone told me this week that I am the girl of anniversaries. It's true.. certain dates remain very important to me. The 16th is one.. I met Jesus on the 16th of June 2007. I was baptised one year ago, on the 16th of September.

I do hold on to anniversaries.. they are a way for me to pause.. to stop planning the future, to stop living in the moment and to simply pause and look back, remember, the wonderful things Christ has done.
My life today, is beyond anything I could of ever imagined. This past year has been nothing but a blessing. Looking back, through trials, tribulations, successes and failures.. Jesus has been right by my side. He has been present in every single aspect, every facet of my day to day life. He has kept His promises, not one has He broken.

I have grown in my faith. I have learnt so much about myself, about others, about Him. I have learnt to listen to the Spirit within me. I know His voice.

I am still so deeply in love with my Jesus. Beyond all He has done for me.. it is His love that keeps me. True pure love.

So on this anniversary, Lord I thank you. I thank you for the past year and thank you for today.

Leadership

Do you have any words that you just can't stand?
The words 'leadership' and 'leader' are two words that when I hear send shivers down my spine like nails on a chalkboard or aluminium gritting my teeth.. (yup that bad..)

Here is my gripe with these words.. they feel puffed up... prideful.
I am slowly working through this and apologize if I offend anyone.. it is an issue of mine that I am working to resolve.
I am slowly coming to realize that I have to let go of my association of the word 'leader' with other words such as command, authority, control, captaincy, rule (all found on online thesaurus) and have to get the negative connotation of the word out of my mind.

It's funny because the word has come up often in the past few days.. many people telling me I may just be a leader.. would be a great 'manager' ... and I just don't see it.. (or just don't want the title?)
If I were to be a leader.. I would want to be amongst my people. Down in the dirt with them, sleeves rolled high. A servant leader? I beleive a true leader is one who wants his people to be leaders. Hmmm.... an Encourager. (is that a word?) I would want no power.. would simply want to empower others. I feel great joy when someone I believe in begins to believe in themselves. (And maybe that is the great joy these 'leaders' feel also..hmmm...)

Again, I apologize.. my thoughts are simply processing here..

When God hears your prayers.

Bits and pieces from my journal...
August 5
Lord, I long for connection. Does this walk have to be a lonely one? Can I not connect with others? Forgive me Jesus if my thoughts are misplaced. I am simply searching for what it is I have been trying to fill. What is it that is so lacking that I would resort to old ways..

I long for a group of people I can simply 'be' with. I ask Lord that you guide me through this time and stay with me Jesus.

I pray about these feelings I have about my community. I long for friendships with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I wish we could enjoy our company outside of Sundays. I pray for true and deep relationships.

It was lacking & I resorted to finding it in the world. Forgive me Jesus.

I pray for Westside. For true friendships. For a weekly, daily community. Not just Sundays. Help me take the steps to reach out. Help me try Lord. And if all else fails.. I will trust in you Lord.



My Daily Devotional email sent to me this morning...
August 10
BIBLE MEDITATION:
“For where two or three are gathered together in My name, there am I in the midst of them.” Matthew 18:20

DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:There is something wonderful about unity. I heard about a fellow who courted a girl by writing her a beautiful love letter every day for two years. He thought that would be a wonderful way to court her. Do you know what happened? She married the mail carrier! There is nothing like being there. There is nothing like personal contact. There is a sense in which Jesus Christ is present when His people gather that’s not in any other sense. You cannot get it the same way at home.

ACTION POINT:Do you have a church home? If not, I encourage you to find one today. If church attendance isn’t important, I wonder why Satan works so hard to keep folks away. If you do have a church home, make a special effort this week to meet a new friend and find a need they have which you can meet

Today's Sunday Gathering..
Focusing on community, church...

Acts 2 42-47
And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers.
And fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the apostles.
And all that believed were together, and had all things common;
And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need.
And they, continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their meat with gladness and singleness of heart,
Praising God, and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved.

My confession.
I need my community. I need a tight circle because I cannot fight alone. I attempted to find these relationships in the world and it led me to sin. The world is very enticing. I describe it as.. a steak which tastes like heaven..better than heaven.. but never fills you. You are hungry..starving.. so you keep, day after day, eating that one steak..which looks so good and tastes so sweet..but which never fills you.
It broke my heart and tore at my spirit. It led me to believe lies. I am not strong enough to fight alone. I feel like I'm drowing...and it breaks my heart.
Forgive me for not trying harder. Forgive me for the bitterness in my heart. Forgive me for beleiving lies.

Lord.. after all I have done, I cannot even begin to comprehend how you would hear my prayers. I thank you for meeting me in the dirtiest, darkest places. Thank you for showing me how much I mean to you..And for loving me when I feel like I am undeserving of even singing your name. Jesus.. I know you are with me. Fighting by my side when I am about to give up. The deepest desire of my heart Lord is to always be in your presence and to please you Lord. Forgive me for not living it out. Forgive me for being too weak to fight at times. Forgive me for doubting that you will fight for me.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you.

Caught my eye

This blog caught my attention today...


http://thelayerfamily.blogspot.com/2008/05/some-pictures-are-coming-later.html


Still praying, mulling through alot these days.
May not yet find roots.. but as I lay my heart open..God will keep digging.

Red light.

Blog to come soon...

Ready to walk.

Decided it's time to go home.

Thank God.

Holding on and rebuking lies.

On the inside.

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My Spirit constantly weeps.

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The ledge.

I am going through a season.
I don't want to hear it.. and it will push me further.
I am still reading, still aware, and still loving Christ.
But..I am tired.
I am tired of transparency. I am tired of everyone having an answer. I am tired.
I am writing right now more so for rememberance later than to share...
I am being bluntly and openly honest here.
What I want is silence. What I need is Jesus. Just Jesus.
Pray for me if you wish. Just don't tell me that you are.
Don't ask me how I am or ask for more details than this...
I am going through a season.

Fallen Angel.

To you..

My spirit cries for you.

You know that you are on a slippery slope. You have once again had a taste of this world. One touch to your lips and it all came flooding back in. It felt wonderful didn't it? Then why is it that you feel so empty?

It breaks your heart to be in the place that you are. Not lost.. but definitely not on a road worth walking.

What is it that led you to turn? What is it that caught your attention? One split second, one glance... one wrong turn.

So you stand on this road... looking ahead yet seeing the past..

His voice you once heard is getting fainter... yet He hasn't moved. He is right there standing where you left Him.. calling out your name.

Would Jesus approve?

A note I wrote on facebook.. but for all eyes to see..


Would Jesus approve?

Wow.. how many times do I hear that at work in a day. I am glad that at least my actions, my words are constantly under scrutiny at work. But I do need to explain something to you all about my faith.

I have been asked...
if I 'can't' drink... because of my 'religion'.
if I 'can't' have sex... because of my 'religion'.
if I can 'ask' my pastor if I can miss church for just one Sunday.

First of all my faith does not have much to do with religion at all. Which is why, when you ask what religion I am.. I say Christian.. which leads you all to usually ask.. what kind of Christian (protestant, catholic..).. which always leads me to answer.. just Christian.

And even then.. I say Christian... but basically..my belief is in Jesus and in the Bible. Plain and simple. No titles. I beleive in the root of it all which is God.

Now.. to what I can and cannot do.
It is more what I choose and choose not to do.

I lately read this in a book (The end of Religion- Bruxy Cavey) : "Do I kiss my wife to earn her love? Or do I kiss my wife to express the love that we already share? ... Sure, God wants us to live good lives, but the goodness we live out in this world is an act of gratitude for our spiritual life and not religious attempts to be good enough to earn that life."

As for the commandments which you all know so well :) The laws as some of you call them.
I knew them well also even before knowing Christ.
But wow.. if only I had read a bit further..

"Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes." Romans 10:4

"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. " Romans 10:9

You must have also heard the word GRACE before. (bah.. the song Amazing Grace ring a bell?)Jesus' grace is what saves me from the law.

If the afterlife were all based on whether or not we followed a set of rules.. Heaven would be a pretty large space with very little souls.

Nonetheless.. because I love my God.. I do try my best (and often fail, fall, disappoint.. which is where grace comes in again) to live my life with love and wisdom. Which by the way.. I have obtained most of by reading all those 'rules' in the Bible lol.

On my good days and even on the bad ones.. I hope I, at the very least, represent this one commandment by which I choose to live my life...

And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. -Mark 12:29-31

I think... Jesus would approve. :)