Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.

At a loss for words...
When 'thank you' cannot even begin to describe what I feel in my heart.

Staring at the sun.

Does this make you uncomfortable?

I have a friend that called me a few days ago. He had posted something 'from God' under one of my facebook pictures and called me to inquire on why I had deleted his post. One thing he said struck me..

"You can believe whatever you like, as long as we don't have to see it."

I used to say stuff like that. It was fine just as long as I didn't have to see it. Fine as long as I didn't have to hear it. I don't really understand why though...

I replied that I didn't intentionally post my thoughts and pictures to make him uncomfortable.. It's not like I am posting bible verses on his wall. I do it for myself.

We have a jewish friend in common that posts beautiful notes about God and about Light. Why does that not offend him? How is that more acceptable than my page?

It is amazing how just seeing or hearing the name Jesus can make a person so uncomfortable.. Why is that?

He said that my beliefs were 'leaking' out of my profile. (When you post something on your page.. it shows up on everyone's home page)

I am glad that my profile is 'leaking'.

Not much wisdom in this post.. just questions.. curiosities..

Thoughts anyone?

Who am I? -Sunday Thoughts.

Westside had another beautiful gathering today. I was touched by the amount of people that attended, the newcomers as well as all the familiar faces. I feel a stir in our community and it's just beautiful. People growing, trusting, opening up..
Today Dave walked us through Matthew 15:1-20 and themed the gathering 'Inside=Outside'. It instantly brought me back to a blog I had written a while back.
http://crawlingthatway.blogspot.com/2008/02/who-am-i.html
I never really answered my own question. Read on.. you'll see why.

A few questions brought up today to ponder..
Who are you, really?
What is coming out of you?

People say that I am transparent. I do make a conscious effort to put my heart out there. I sometimes force myself to show the deepest corners of my heart. There is a freedom found when standing stripped, broken, heart in hand before the cross.

Who are you, really? is a very difficult question to answer. But I will try.... sigh...

Who are you, really?
I am a sinner. A true sinner - who still sins. In my day to day, I sometimes catch myself in idle gossip. Often, I bite my tongue because I am aware of it. Nonetheless the thoughts are there. I sometimes have the yearning to slander others because of the hurt they have caused me in the past. I sometimes want to see them fall and hurt as I have. But again I bite my tongue, I refrain. Nonetheless the thoughts are still there. I have fallen into sexual immorality.. now attempt to keep myself away from those situations. Nonetheless the thoughts are sometimes still there. I sometimes still fall into old ways, I sometimes still resort to anger. It is nowhere close to the rage I used to have. Nonetheless the thoughts are still there.
(I am not all evil! When I love, I love deeply and honestly. I am person that strives for integrity. I am a friend that will drop everything for you. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I am a child of God whose greatest wish is to have everyone see the light.)

Who are you, really?
I am a sinner. A true sinner - who still sins. I am a sinner equal to the murderers, adulterers, slanderers, cheaters and thieves. There are still dark corners in my heart. I don't wear a mask but I do restrain. There is a difference. What is on the inside is not always what comes out because, I watch my words, I guard my actions. I am not being fake but.. aware.
I am a sinner. A true sinner - who still sins. I am in no way perfect. I know it, I confess it. I ask that the Lord continue transforming me. I ask that He continue bringing my character to the place He intended.
This world, in the beginning, was meant to be paradise. Now.. we must live preparing for it.
I am a sinner. A true sinner - who still sins. I am a sinner that loves Jesus Christ with all her heart. I am a sinner that has been blessed with His love. A sinner that bows before the cross, thanking Him for his mercy.

Who am I, really?
I am a sinner. A true sinner -who still sins.
I am a sinner. A true sinner - who through God is being transformed.
I am a sinner. A true sinner -who through the crucifixion of Jesus Christ has been forgiven.

For He so loved me..

I am broken. Nonetheless, I am eternally grateful to have Jesus in my life. Through this struggle, through the tears, throught the pain and as I sob, as I grasp for His hand, as I pray.. He has been there.
The Lord is my only true comfort, my stronghold, my hope.
He is my constant.


Thank you Jesus.

Sleepless again...

More facebook graffiti as I wait to heal..

My Facebook Graffiti.

Whatever it takes...

A string.

If He cuts the string.. I will have nothing left.

And he said unto me,

My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.

2 Corinthians 12:9

Torn & constantly battling.

My friend..
I don't have the answer.. I can't see your heart... All that I write - you may not be feeling. But here is my struggle.

Torn & constantly battling. Reasoning. Justifying. Battling the whispers. Battling myself. Constantly pulling between what I want and what I know in my heart. Wanting to deny the press on my heart but somehow not being able to deny it.
I try to push the truth aside, want to ignore it.. but it presses on my heart.

Torn & constantly battling between the girl in the flesh and the one that knows truth. Our eyes were opened to truth. A truth we don't always want to see.

I have mentioned before, that before being saved, I got everything I believed I wanted. Somehow, I found a way and it always went my way. Sometimes, we long for those days..

How much easier was life on the other side!! Nonetheless, I don't turn back. I can't turn back..because I've seen where that leads. We have been given that sight.

Sight. Oh, in the beginning what a beautiful thing.. But in time, you see things you would rather not see, things that may hinder your dreams, your wants and what you beleive you need. You now have knowledge.

At this time, my beloved friend, that is all I can say. Because I too am battling.
I do have the answer. But... I too am battling.

My new friend.. Peter.

Peter has popped up quite a bit lately.
On my last trip to Hamilton, I visited a church. The message revolved around Acts 10.

Then a voice told him, "Get up, Peter. Kill and eat."
"Surely not, Lord!" Peter replied. "I have never eaten anything impure or unclean."
Acts 10:13-14
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=acts%2010&version=31

In my notes, I had written - Peter thinks he has a right to tell God what to do.
Followed by - Holy Spirit changes are painful. Listen to the Spirit!!

This weekend at Westside and again tonight at our prayer meeting, we walked through Matthew 14 and... again came Peter.

22Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. 23After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
25During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
27But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
28"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
29"Come," he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=matthew%2014;&version=31

Quite a few things have struck me in this passage.
Since Sunday, I have repeated this scene in my head, reread the passage and even told others the story. The big step of faith taken by Peter, his doubt causing him to sink, and then Jesus reaching out His hand.

A glimpse of some of my Sunday notes:
It is not about 'Why don't you get it?' It's about 'Why don't you do it?'
Just take a step.
Act on what you believe. Act on what you know.
Just take a step.
Jesus tells us: 'Give me what you have and watch me make wonders with it'
Just take a step.

Tonight, I saw even deeper..
24but the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. 25During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake.

You may think you have gone too far astray, led away because of the waves & the wind... Jesus will come meet you.

31Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.

Immediately!! Jesus is never far away. Call on the Lord. Ask Him to save you. And He is immediately there. You may not always hear Him, feel Him.. but he is right there. I had once written that God's 'clutch' is stronger than mine... and it is. He will grab hold of my hand when I feel like I'm drowning and catch me.

32And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, "Truly you are the Son of God."

Wow. When the wind died down.. When the storm passes.. When you are back, safe on the boat... Hindsight!! You will say.. Truly you are the Son of God. In hindsight, you will see God's work.

As I think of this scene, I imagine... Peter takes his first step onto the water. Imagine what a step that must of been!!! As he steps out, his eyes are intensely fixed on Jesus. And then for a split second.. he looks down.. He thinks.. this is crazy.. this is impossible.. I can't do this... The water which a moment before felt like concrete, dissolves to water again and he sinks...
The beauty of it is that Jesus grabs him! I love that He does not let him drown. Love that even though Peter doubted, since he called on the Lord to save him, Jesus pulled him back up.
This shows me that I can't do it my own. This proves to me that I don't have to!! I took the step. Jesus is still there. When I cry out.. Lord help me.. he is there reaching out His hand.

None of it is ours to begin with.

I have nothing to bring, that did not come from your hand.

Clinging to His promises.

My heart is breaking. Again, I don't want to blog. But this walk is not always an easy walk. And I have faith that in hindsight, I will be happy to read this. I will look back and thank Jesus for this day. I will thank Him for the courage He gave me. I will thank Him for loving me through this. I will thank Him for sustaining me.

I made a choice. I made a very difficult choice. A choice I did not want to make. But I trust.
Some may read this and think that I turn to God to comfort, to appease my pain. And I do.

I am so thankful to have this hope to cling to.