Hello from the village 🖐

Hi all,
It's been quite some time since I've blogged. This post is more of a letter to all of you who have been asking about my wellbeing and about how I have been since my big move to my little village of Lancaster, Ont.

I am happy. I can honestly say that I am happy. Although I still struggle with my ups and downs & at moments felt panic settle in, I am all in all happy.
As I drive in to work, I am surrounded by the beauty of the sunrise and picture perfect trees and land. It really is beautiful here and an amazing start to every day.
 I drive about 20 minutes to work in the city of Cornwall. There is no traffic and I don't feel the urgency and stress I felt in the city.

My work is definitely challenging but I am surrounded by one of the best teams I have ever encountered. I don't say this lightly..I truly work with a group of girls that know what is required of them and do it gladly. There is a commeradery beyond anything I have ever seen at any other branch. People are genuinely glad for each other's successes and are willing to help each other succeed.
I already feel at home in my office and meeting clients all day long is refreshing. I have met such interesting people!

People. People are so friendly. It baffles me at times, like how friendly the drive thru attendant at Tim Horton's is, every single time. How can I not have a good day after a genuinely friendly hello and an extra large black coffee in hand?

Obviously life is not only pretty scenery and happy people. It does come with some struggles. I have had insomnia for the past week or so (hence the black eyes) - not sure why...but thinking my happy Timmy's may have something to do with it.
I am also struggling with my weight. My medication has definitely ravaged my body and I struggle with how I perceive myself.

The most difficult part about moving has been church. I have yet to find a community that fits. I am confused with denominations and what each entails. I don't like 'church hopping' in search of a home and am finding it very hard to not have community. (Westside, I know you're a skip away..Ill be visiting soon. Please pray 2 things for me... That I find a church and that I remember my worth in God's eyes).

As for the boys...they have adjusted well! I am excited for this cold to pass so we can spend more time outdoors. Their school is awesome and the homework is manageable. (Yay!)
They are glad to have their cousin close and I am happy that they get to grow up together.

We are obviously anxious to have our forever home and our own little space in the country but God bless my mom for taking us in for now. We have adjusted to life together and have settled in a fairly regular routine and rhythm.

Thanks to those who have asked how I have been...thank you for thinking of me and checking in -All in all, overall, I am ok. I'm hanging on to this whirlwind called life and relishing in the beautiful moments it brings me.

Love ya loads.
Cin

Facing difficult questions...

 Do you trust me enough to go to the rock bottom in order for my name to be glorified. Do you trust that I will still be there with you? In the fire pit? In the lion's den? Are you willing to lose your life, your comfort for my work to be done?

My intention

I met someone for the first time tonight who has recently (a year or so) come to know Jesus. It was so refreshing and such a reminder to me. It brought me back to all of the experiences I have gone through in the past few years , to the feelings of thirst, the unveiling of truth, the restoration, the healing. It reminded me of the pureness of God's love..

It also reminded me of how transparent I used to be. I beleive that I have become more guarded, more selective and in all honesty lazy...

I went back and reviewed my facebook blogs, and this blog and realized that amongst many other things.. one practice that I need to get back to is blogging.

I never used my blog as a voice to the world, but more so as my journal of thoughts, lessons learnt, experiences. I used to blog often on Sundays after the gathering, collecting my thoughts and impressions.These Sunday blogs forced me to reflect on the message a little while longer, forced me to go a little deeper.

Intention- For any relationship to grow you must be intentional in spending time with the other person.
I must become more intentional about spending time with God.

Waiting....

As I wait on news from a company on whether or not my husband got the job..I hold on to the promise that God made me.

He provides.
In His time.
When we have faith.

Over and over again, God has reminded me that He will always come through. The result is not always what is expected, which that in itself is sometimes hard to accept. Nonetheless, looking back... God has had providence in my life.

I pray more than anything.. for more faith. To trust that whatever may come, God has it all under control.

Ranting...

I'm angry. And I need an outlet.

Was reminded of my blog today. The existence of it. With this reminder, I experienced, just as I have been for a while now, a tinge of guilt for not blogging more. For not capturing the good, the bad, the struggles and sometimes even the silence...

So even though, my return is an angry one.. I'm here, I'm back.

I don't like feeling this way. I was in a very heated discussion..ok..honestly, it turned into a downright screaming argument..with my condo association. I am angry that they are either lying now, or were lying two months ago..either way..at some point they lied.

I prayed beforehand.. but it definitely didn't turn out the way I prayed for.. SIGH............

I need to relieve this feeling on my chest.. of anger.. and disappointment..and anger..and anger..

........
.....

Last week... exhale...
Last week was an amazing week. I felt revival. I felt closer to God than I have in a while. It was an answer to much prayer and yearning. And it involved more and more prayer.

On tuesday I had a small group over. There was transparency in the air, open heart and confession. And although there was much darkness divulged, I would rather see darkness brought to light than it mulling up in someone's heart. I would rather the lies of the enemy be said out loud where we can rebuke them than to let them continue being whispered into someone's ear. It was a good night. A very good night. And I know God was amongst us.

I also had a group of girls over this saturday for prayer. We prayed big prayers. We prayed many prayers. We prayed more so for others than for our own struggles..Many tears flowed as we prayed for the men in our lives. It was a good morning. A very good morning.

Yesterday, I prayed before Westside. I prayed for every heart standing before me. I prayed that God meet them whereever they may be on their walk..that He meet them right there. And I meant it with all my heart.
I also worshipped fully and wholeheartedly and it felt awesome. I did not want it to end. I was on fire. God filled my spirit.
As we took communion, I meditated on Jesus' blood, washing over my sins. I felt cleansed and renewed by the blood of Christ. I thanked Him. I thanked Him for His sacrifice, for His grace, for His blood, for His love for me.
The message, Rooted in Love, reminded me that God still spoke to me. And that I still hear him. The verse Dave gave us..I had given (modified) to someone a few days before she passed away..

"This is my daughter whom I love; with her I am well pleased."

.

Yes.. it was a good Sunday. A very good sunday.

...

Now, I sit here monday night..ready to finish the questions for my new small group beginning tomorrow. We are studying Joshua and I'm very excited to see what God has planned for this group. There are many new faces and much restoration needed. I can't wait to see what God will do!!!!!!!

I am so thankful for the week I just had..and for the week ahead.

All in all.. It's been a good night. A very good night. I know God is still with me. :)

Divine intervention

I blogged out a letter to God but chose to delete it.

.

I am not mad with God. I have many questions. I'm broken and searching for answers and comfort from Him.

.

Nonetheless, midway, I deleted it. I am struggling and hurting. I am all for sharing my heart. But I would never want someone who is searching to fall on that one blog and by reading into my struggles instead deduct from it that God does not answer our prayers.

.

I still beleive God does answer prayer. I still can't understand how, why, or when. But I beleive that He hears our cries. I think that He does intervene when we ask Him to..just not always in the way we would have liked.

.

I asked God last night why He didn't hear my prayers, why He didn't make my father's spot disappear, why it had to happen now?

.

I asked God "Why didn't You intervene?"

.

I don't think I have often experienced God 'speaking' to me directly. At least not in this way..
But I am assured this time. So I will go ahead, at the risk of sounding terribly cliche and say it...God spoke to me.

.

God said this.
'How do you know that I didn't intervene?'

.

Yup..that's it. Nothing fancy. No thunderous words. No bright lights. Just one question, one sentence that completly interrupted my train of thought.

That one sentence... says a whole lot..

Same tree.

As I was walking home, I saw a man standing alone in a bus shelter. By the looks of him, he looked like any other average Joe. What was amazing was that from across this busy street, I also heard the man. Belting out, singing "Father, there is no name like your name." His voice was beautiful! He poured out his heart onto this busy boulevard with no reservations.
To many this man must have looked completly insane..sigh..a 'Jesus Freak'. But to me, for those few moments as I walked by and gave him the biggest smile, I felt connected.

Hmmm...

I'm a little overwhelmed these days. Processing alot. Feeling a weight on my shoulders that I can't shake. Tired of the stresses of everyday life and battling, seriously battling, to keep my head above water. Keeping my mind and heart focused on the beautiful blessings this life has to offer.

It's been a tough two weeks. My grandpa passed away last week and am not sure how or if it has all processed. Maybe because I feel like life just went on..when I would have liked the world to stop turning for just a moment.

Work is my biggest stress right now..and I hate that. It is mostly the stresses of others that are impacting me. I can feel it.

I am praying for a sense of peace, for rest. Praying to keep my eyes on Jesus and to know that this will pass and that He is always with me.

I'm tired... just so so tired..

The 13th hour

Posting from my journal...

Nov 8th. 8 am. 2008
Still no sleep.

13 hours in the spiritual world.
Praying alone, praying others requests, anonymously, in the dark hours of the night.

Now watching traffic go by..
Watching people rushing to work..
throwing prayers upon them as they speed by.

Waiting with excitement to see the room again.
To see Your work on the walls.

Did they feel our prayers as we whispered in the night, as they slept unaware?
Has one person woken up feeling closer to You Lord?
Has healing touched someone in the wee hours of the night?

I beleive God that You have done great things tonight.
I beleive that You have heard our prayers, searched the depths of our hearts for Your desires.
I beleive that You have been among us.

I thank You God for somehow keeping me awake when I would rather sleep.
I thank You for allowing me to experience every moment, for allowing me to keep watch, & to greet each new arrival.

In the past 13 hours... I have been overwhelmed with... joy.

Follow me.- Today

First of all.. To my God.
Lord forgive me.

And to you... I am so sorry.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow." - James 4:14

I learnt this the hard way tonight. I truly believe that this is the first time that I am fully aware that I missed out on a blessing. That Jesus cried out "Follow me" and I replied .. "tuesday".

It is not that I did not have it on my heart to do what the Lord called me to do. I was just ... busy. Imagine that.. don't I feel sheepish now? Actually, I feel much worse.

Lord, I pray, that the next time you place something on my heart.. I drop everything to follow you.

If you believe that God is calling you to do something. Do it now. Follow. Do not tarry. Nothing is more important and all other things (which in hindsight are simply details) can wait.

"Act decidedly and take the consequences. No good deed was ever done by hesitation."

Thomas Henry Huxley

"Nonna" .. Rispoci in Pace. I know you are with the Lord. I will continue joining you in your prayers for your loved ones. Without ever meeting you have touched my heart. Thank you.

When God hears your prayers.

Bits and pieces from my journal...
August 5
Lord, I long for connection. Does this walk have to be a lonely one? Can I not connect with others? Forgive me Jesus if my thoughts are misplaced. I am simply searching for what it is I have been trying to fill. What is it that is so lacking that I would resort to old ways..

I long for a group of people I can simply 'be' with. I ask Lord that you guide me through this time and stay with me Jesus.

I pray about these feelings I have about my community. I long for friendships with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I wish we could enjoy our company outside of Sundays. I pray for true and deep relationships.

It was lacking & I resorted to finding it in the world. Forgive me Jesus.

I pray for Westside. For true friendships. For a weekly, daily community. Not just Sundays. Help me take the steps to reach out. Help me try Lord. And if all else fails.. I will trust in you Lord.



My Daily Devotional email sent to me this morning...
August 10
BIBLE MEDITATION:
“For where two or three are gathered together in My name, there am I in the midst of them.” Matthew 18:20

DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:There is something wonderful about unity. I heard about a fellow who courted a girl by writing her a beautiful love letter every day for two years. He thought that would be a wonderful way to court her. Do you know what happened? She married the mail carrier! There is nothing like being there. There is nothing like personal contact. There is a sense in which Jesus Christ is present when His people gather that’s not in any other sense. You cannot get it the same way at home.

ACTION POINT:Do you have a church home? If not, I encourage you to find one today. If church attendance isn’t important, I wonder why Satan works so hard to keep folks away. If you do have a church home, make a special effort this week to meet a new friend and find a need they have which you can meet

Today's Sunday Gathering..
Focusing on community, church...

Acts 2 42-47
And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers.
And fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the apostles.
And all that believed were together, and had all things common;
And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need.
And they, continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their meat with gladness and singleness of heart,
Praising God, and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved.

My confession.
I need my community. I need a tight circle because I cannot fight alone. I attempted to find these relationships in the world and it led me to sin. The world is very enticing. I describe it as.. a steak which tastes like heaven..better than heaven.. but never fills you. You are hungry..starving.. so you keep, day after day, eating that one steak..which looks so good and tastes so sweet..but which never fills you.
It broke my heart and tore at my spirit. It led me to believe lies. I am not strong enough to fight alone. I feel like I'm drowing...and it breaks my heart.
Forgive me for not trying harder. Forgive me for the bitterness in my heart. Forgive me for beleiving lies.

Lord.. after all I have done, I cannot even begin to comprehend how you would hear my prayers. I thank you for meeting me in the dirtiest, darkest places. Thank you for showing me how much I mean to you..And for loving me when I feel like I am undeserving of even singing your name. Jesus.. I know you are with me. Fighting by my side when I am about to give up. The deepest desire of my heart Lord is to always be in your presence and to please you Lord. Forgive me for not living it out. Forgive me for being too weak to fight at times. Forgive me for doubting that you will fight for me.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you.

On the inside.

.

.

My Spirit constantly weeps.

.

.

The ledge.

I am going through a season.
I don't want to hear it.. and it will push me further.
I am still reading, still aware, and still loving Christ.
But..I am tired.
I am tired of transparency. I am tired of everyone having an answer. I am tired.
I am writing right now more so for rememberance later than to share...
I am being bluntly and openly honest here.
What I want is silence. What I need is Jesus. Just Jesus.
Pray for me if you wish. Just don't tell me that you are.
Don't ask me how I am or ask for more details than this...
I am going through a season.

Fallen Angel.

To you..

My spirit cries for you.

You know that you are on a slippery slope. You have once again had a taste of this world. One touch to your lips and it all came flooding back in. It felt wonderful didn't it? Then why is it that you feel so empty?

It breaks your heart to be in the place that you are. Not lost.. but definitely not on a road worth walking.

What is it that led you to turn? What is it that caught your attention? One split second, one glance... one wrong turn.

So you stand on this road... looking ahead yet seeing the past..

His voice you once heard is getting fainter... yet He hasn't moved. He is right there standing where you left Him.. calling out your name.

Pit stop.

.

.

There's no field of daisies around here... but if there was... I'd be doing cartwheels in it.

.

.

I am so content with all that I have today.

.

.

Reservation.

Well, I guess it is safe to say that God has taught me much about transparency over the last year. I have attempted to be as genuine and as honest as possible.

Now, I believe it is time for a new lesson.

Reservation.

You see, it is great to be transparent.. honest. But as with everything else, your intentions that lay behind that honesty is what is important.

Beware of being unrighteous as you strive for righteousness.

I have come to realize through very unfortunate events that ones transparency can hurt others as well as oneself. If, in your transparency you display darkness found in your heart.. especially to unbelievers... then any of your attempts to shed light are nulled.

I must confess, that I have harbored bitterness in my heart. In an attempt to expose truth, I sunk to the level of exactly what I was combatting. Instead of showing grace, forgiveness.. I seeked justice.
Now, I am the one who feels I should ask forgiveness of those I (knowing Christ) should have forgiven a long time ago.

I have removed my blog from my facebook profile for the time being.. and am still not sure how I will proceed with the blog itself. After a year of open book on facebook, it may be time to refine.

To you ..should you read this,
I do not write this to right where I went wrong. I do pray that you forgive me. I could justify my intentions but in the end my sin, which should have only fallen on my shoulders, has affected you.
I apologize.

To you.. who will never read this,
Forgive me for holding these feelings of bitterness and anger against you. Forgive me for judging you. Forgive me for never forgiving you.

To you...Lord.
Forgive me Jesus. I thank you for blessing me with sight of my wrongdoings. I pray Lord that you bless those I have hurt. I ask that you teach me to shine only light. Teach me reservation when my heart is misplaced and wisdom to know when and when not to share. May my actions and words only reflect the God I follow.

Testifying upon request.

.

"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." - 1 Peter 3:15.

.

This is for you...

.

You are in a wonderful place right now. Maybe terrifying..I understand. To look around you and see no purpose to all of it? To search for something, anything to fill you... for even a moment. To be unhappy, discontented without even knowing why, without knowing what it is you are truly searching for.

.

I say you are in a wonderful place because, although discouraging, see it as a veil being removed from your eyes. (It may lead you to understand the saying, I once was blind but now I see.)

.

Many still walk around completly blind... I am happy, and praise God, that an inkling of light is seeping through.

.

I have been there. And yes, it is a choice. You must make that choice. The God I have met will never force you to do anything. The choice is not as hard as you may think though... if you think God is knocking on your door.. all you need to do is let him in.

.

All I had to do was let Him into my life. He placed the faith. He changed my heart.

In time.. things you once held on to.. don't seem as important anymore.

The fears you once had.. don't scare you anymore.

The past hurts..in time.. are healed.

You learn to hear His voice. You learn to trust Him.

.

As for what you may think of "Christians" .. here's what I used to think.. I thought a Christian girl wore long skirts, admonished anyone who drank, cursed.. You know.. The good girl.

Here's my view of a Christian today... it is someone who lives their life trusting that the God that created this world loves them. Someone who wants others to experience the love of Christ. A regular person... with true hope.

.

The love of Christ is a love that I can't even explain. His love fills you. He guides you through life. Reassures you when you need Him. Teaches you. And shows you what this life really is..

.

Do you believe in God?

Is your view of God.. this BIG God.. that you haven't really met?

He is GOD. He is also very personal. I know.. it sounds absurd.. that this BIG God would take the time to talk to little me.. but He does.

.

.

Since you are precious and honored in my sight,and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you,and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the

west. - Isaiah 43

.

.

.

THIS is life. It is sometimes a hard walk...because...sigh we are human. But it is filled with blessings. It is beautiful. It does have a purpose.

.

.

.

May Jesus keep knocking. May you keep searching.

May you meet someday soon.

Thank you.

Another great day. My cousin called out of the blue yesterday to meet for dinner. Just got home! Was another evening of discussion and confirmation. (God is absolutely amazing!)


I just wanted to say a quick thank you to all of you.
The outpour of wisdom, simple understanding and confirmation that can only be sent out by God has been overwhelming.

He has used you today.

Thank you and God bless!!

Cin

Sunday Lunch.

In response to my last post... maybe God was simply waiting on me to acknowledge and openly confess my feelings at the time.

To my friend, I had written...
The few things that are keeping me at least looking That way is that there is no condemnation in the love of Christ.. You are forgiven..He knows what will happen..and IF I pray.. He has the power to somehow bring me back..

In short... for the past week... I have been battling with the dry spell feeling after a month of spiritual highs.

After countless invitations over the year... I finally participated in a Sunday lunch with a group of Christians from around Montreal.. which ended at 9 this evening! We ended up sitting in Second Cup discussing Gideon and Samson.

My hunger for knowledge was stirred again..

The honest Truth.

I have always attempted to be honest in this blog. Honest.. Transparent..
Simply wondering.. how much of my heart should I be putting out there?

Going through a strange time...

Don't truly feel like going into it.. But in an attempt to get some of it out there.. here's a response a good friend sent me a few days ago.. somehow, again, pointing That Way. (Thank you)



Cindy remember when we meet the Lord we fall in Love and then we feel the honeymoon is over with Jesus, and thank God because we would never know his many other sides. Likehow he doesn't push you to be something your not. I felt what you are going through, but look at it like ok so i don't feel it now, i realized something though. That my sins of now later and the past have been attoned for. Your heart however and the real life business of Living with Jesus is not a simple one mainly because you have to deal with the Fact that in your callousness and and unrepentant heart you have tasted Jesus, not looked at not heard about not pondered but really tasted and no one can take that away from you.

Remember he is a Father and is not this tyranically demanding father, if he were why give choice in the first place?Realize that the times when you feel this way it's a low from the Highs and that's why when you read about the lives of Moses, Elijah, Noah , Jonah and so on and so on, you read about their low's

I mean Cindy Jeremiah for crying out loud said

Jeremiah 20:9
Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.

He got fed up.

James 5:17
Elijah was a man subject to like passions as we are...

Your not slipping but know it is now where the living of what you have been taught despite your past history of complete extremism, Jesus wants to rid you of that kind of faith, and create in you a quiet strong assuredness. That means giving you the knowledge of him and facing trials of ambivalence, but it is your Job to remember the character of this God Called Jesus, who often times put his friends the disciples in a boats heading into a storm lol, and he knew about it.

last verse
Isaiah 50:10
Who is among you that feareth the LORD, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in--- darkness---, and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the LORD, and stay upon his God.