Transformation.

Something deeply touched my heart tonight.. A great realization.. I am human!!

Humans laugh, cry, hurt, love... I was created with those characteristics.
Along the way, I have picked up, learned other characteristics...
I have accumulated habits, attitudes, coping mechanisms & defenses.

Which leads me to transformation....
Webster’s Definition of Transformation :
A conversion, revolution, makeover, alteration, or renovation.

Nowhere in this definition do we see the words immediate, instantaneous...

God is working on my heart each and every day. I am learning. LEARNING.
There is a difference between changing and learning.
Anyone can change overnight.. but will it last?

Learning is letting each lesson sink in. You learn through trial and error. To learn is to seek the truth. To want the truth.

God is working on my heart each and every day. I am unlearning. UNLEARNING.
I am unlearning old habits, letting go of parts of me that I picked up along the way. Parts of me that he did not create. Parts of me that are not in his image.

I see it as peeling, carving, chiseling my heart.

I am not making excuses for my actions.
But am coming to an understanding that transformation is a 'process'. As long as I seek with every lesson, every tribulation, every temptation, as long as I always turn to Jesus, even if sometimes in hindsight.. then I am on the right path towards restoration.

I have an honest desire to be restored. Which that in itself is a transformation.
I come to the Lord with an open heart and am thankful for every trial and lesson before me. I know that as I open my heart to him, He will teach me.

It is painful. It is sometimes frustrating. But I am so grateful. What greater thing can anyone ask for than to have their heart transformed, restored by the one who created it? How great is His love that he would even take the time to work on me?

So I, human, will keep on walking this walk with the one I love. And along the way, he will always love me.
And together, by the choices He places before me and His immesurable grace and love... I will be transformed.

PSALM 119

No other love.

No other love will ever be as precious as the love Jesus has for me.
Therefore, how can I settle for cheap imitations in shiny packages?

No other love will ever be as unconditional as the love Jesus has for me.
Therefore, why would I compromise myself for any other?

No other love will ever be as constant as the love Jesus has for me.
Therefore, why would I have to look anywhere else?

No other love will ever be as understanding as the love Jesus has for me.
Therefore, why would he not search my heart, know my desires and lead me to what is best for me?

I hold Jesus in my heart. The Spirit within me is worth more than any precious stone.

Nothing, no matter how shiny, beautiful, enticing, fulfilling, rewarding will ever compare.

No other love will ever be as great as the love Jesus has for me.

Thoughts...

"Watch and pray, lest ye enter into temptation.

The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak." Mark 14:38

The spirit truly is ready - The spirit knows. It is willing and is aware. It discerns.

But the body is weak.

Ha! You know when something deep in your heart tells you not to do something. Stays.. weighs on your heart?

Sometimes you know that a place, an event will lead you into temptation.. you know. You rationalize, saying you are strong enough to resist.. nonetheless.. you know. You know that if you were to give in, you would have to close your eyes, harden your heart, and cover your ears... ummm, you would have to 'give in'.

And at the same time as your heart screams NO.. another part of you is screaming BUT just as loud.

Watch ye - Use caution. Be careful. Be aware.

AND PRAY!

This is the first time in my walk that I choose not to test what I hear. It is not the most pleasant choice to make.. going the other way would be much easier. As I said, close my eyes, close my ears. But this time, I choose to trust. I choose to follow even if my inner core is screaming "BUT". I am going against myself because ........

.....

because I know it is right.

Thoughts...

Again, yearning..

Trying to discern what it is... Trying to figure out why I feel a craving in my soul. Can't quite explain it. Can't put my finger on it.

This is the second time I feel this way. As though something needs to be filled, and I ache to find it.

This ache.. this void.. brings me to tears.

I always try to hold tight to the love Jesus has shown me since day one.. In these moments of craving, I am not sure if what I feel is silence, or distance.. I can't describe it.

I wait for guidance, I remind myself to trust that he is still there, I 'clutch' to his love and I search.. and maybe that is exactly what He wants..

That way. Remembering Sept 16th

Why I love Sundays.

Sunday is my favorite day of the week. All week long, no matter what I may encounter, I always always look forward to my sundays.

Everyday, I take time out to speak with Jesus. I always try to find even a moment to spend with Him. These moments usually fill me with a sense of peace, fulfillment, love.

Sundays are a little different... I use them to let him speak to me. Every song, every prayer, every message, speaks to me. On Sunday morning, I truly take the time to devote myself to only him. I dwell in his love, listen with an open heart to his message.

It is also a beautiful thing to be surrounded by others that love Him as much as I do. Others that know him. Others that live by his ways. It is encouraging, especially when I often spend my weeks persecuted, ridiculed for my faith.

My Sundays are precious to me. My God is precious to me.
In this busy life we live, where the world runs fast, where noise attacks from all sides, where darkness lingers, I appreciate every moment where light can be found.

Jesus.. I thank you for Sundays.

My Baptism September 16th 2007

I am writing so as to not forget what I felt, experienced today. It was such an overwhelming feeling of joy, it is hard to put into words...

I do not think that I have EVER felt such love...
Love.. THAT is what I felt as I came out of the water... I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell from the rooftops.. I felt completly engulfed in love. Wow.

I am so thankful for Westside for sharing this moment with me. I was blown away by the involvement of the community from set up to take down... from cooking to cleaning up.. I have never felt such a sense of belonging and for this, I thank you.

I was blessed to have so much family attending. My cousin Cindy & Boris who have known Jesus for over a decade.. I thank you for your prayers.
My mother... I thank you for confirming the changes I have been through, confirming the joy you now see in me. I thank you for supporting me on this journey.

Paul, it was an honor to be baptized at the same time as you. I find it astonishing, how two different people with completely different stories have come to know the same Jesus.

Dave and Franca, I thank you for offering your home for all of us to celebrate as a community. It was a beautiful day. Thank you for all of your hard work, your guidance & support. I am extremely grateful.

Christina and Elijah... there are no words to describe the love I feel for you. You have both been there from day one... In such a short time, you have taught me the true meaning of friendship. It meant the world to me to have you both with me today.


Overwhelming love are the only words I truly have to describe today. A love that engulfes you entirely and brings tears to your eyes.

Thank you Jesus.
May you always keep this moment in my heart.

A message from a friend...

Received this the day before my baptism.. Words...What a beautiful gift.

Cindy...I wanted to write you a little bit of where my heart is at. You have been on this incredible journey since June 16th, 2007. It seems to me that Jesus took one look at you and couldn't look away. I mean he always had his Eye on you but for some reason it's like your eyes connected and you were DONE from then on. The night before this huge declaration of Faith in Jesus is the reason I write to you. I want you to know that everything past is gone...the moment that you made a decision to love HIM..he wiped everything away and gave you a beautiful new Beginning. You will walk into that water tomorrow in front if your family, friends and many people that could mean different things to you along this journey. As we watch you make this declaration we will stand with you and celebrate this New Life!! These are the people that one day will hold you accountable to walk when you would much rather SIT!! You are growing so much and the transformation that had happened in your life increases my faith...though I had little to do with any of this...we give HIM all the glory!! I am trully blessed to have encountered you on this journey and to have the priviledge of sharing in your triumphs and defeats is my greatest fufillment. Yes often it has been difficult but loving unselfishly and enduring with you through different tests has been the most rewarding time of my life. I'm not sure if you can deeply understand what that means to me. I have gone through some different trials of my own this year and it seems that through you Jesus has been speaking. As stubborn as i am...i often resist but gently he restores me. ....................
I am commited to Jesus and I am committed to you. I need you to know that...not out of obligation...just because I have a deep AGAPE love for you. A love I cannot explain. One that wants to protect you from anything that will hurt you...but I realize that you will and are making your own decisions. I pray for you always and I know I am sometimes silent...but in the quiet I constantly present you before Him praying that you will Run the good race...never give up and never settle for cheap imitations of the real LOVE that you found. I want you to know that tomorrow I watch my SISTER baptized into the greatest family and I want her to know how much I love her..................
I am so proud of you and your incredible step of Faith. May the Jesus you met...be with you forever and EVER. Till Heaven Cindy...I wonder if our rooms are next to each other?? LOL!!

Standing behind you always,
your sis

My Testimony

Dear Jesus,
It's me again... I want to thank you for gathering everyone here today, thank you for allowing me to share such a special day with my true friends, my family and my community.
I’m finding it hard to talk about myself today because it’s not about me. It’s all about you. About your great, unbelievable forgiveness, your love and your grace.

Grace… grace is seeking, forgiving and loving someone who truly never deserved it. How grateful I am, that you saved me. Me… the promiscuous girl. The girl who ran away to Cuba twice in a month and came back feeling as empty as when she had left. The girl that prided herself on the how much alcohol she could drink. The one that nobody could approach, let alone dare speak to because my raging heart would lash out at them. The girl that refused to have a bible in her house!!! The girl that felt nothing but anger, rage, hate and numbness.
Me.. the girl living in darkness.

Nonetheless, by grace, through the prayers of my family and co-worker… you saved me…
They have all said, that they would have never imagined it to be me, that I would probably be the last to be saved, and yet.. you found me.

I was running in a completely different direction and yet … through the casual conversation, in the middle of a club, with one of your children, Lord, you found me.

And then a few nights later, no longer able to live surrounded by darkness, no longer able to live with the darkness in my heart, I sat alone sobbing. I asked you to forgive my sins. I asked that you come into my life and show me the light I had seen in others.

Since that night, you have shown me nothing short of miracles, within myself and my surroundings. The drinking t-shirts are gone, my old ways are now meaningless and my heart is beginning to soften.

I must admit, along this walk I have struggled, I have stumbled.. But yet, with every fall, you have taught me beautiful lessons. I am also convinced that I will always have you Lord to turn to.

You have wowed me, guided me, consoled me, LOVED me.

To my family, Cindy Louise, Boris and the Westside Community. I thank you.
To 'my mules', my brother and sister, Elijah and Christina.. I love you and I thank you.
To my Savior, my Teacher, my Friend.. Jesus.. I thank you.

I pray that I always keep my eyes on you. I thank you for your love, forgiveness and grace. Lord, I give you my heart. I love you because you loved me first.
Thank you Jesus.

Battles.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].

Ephesians 6:12

One week before my Baptism.. have come to a strange realization. This week has felt like I have been punched over and over. Feels like a war is going on within myself , as well as between the world I was once a part of and the world I now belong to.

We always tend to think of temptations in a sexual context. This week I have been tempted in more ways than one...

Tempted to resort to anger instead of turning the other cheek, tempted to abandon friendships that seemed too complicated, tempted to drink, tempted to resort to old ways, tempted to give up when challenges arised. All sorts of daggers have come my way. All sorts of soft temptations. I feel as thought darkness is desperately trying to win me back in any way possible.

I must admit, it is the strangest thing... to see...

I have also realized when reading Ephesians 6:12 .. those of this world, don't know better. How can I not forgive them for attacking me when they don't even realize what they are doing? I admit that they may do things maliciously.. but malice comes from sin.. and sin comes from evil. Is it not then darkness that commits all the evil in this world? I was there.. I didn't know.. I did not see. They just chose to follow.. not knowing any better.

Such a battle. Wow.

Just realized how trivial our day to day really is.. with every punch felt I received this week.. there was a much bigger battle going on.

Also realized that I don't need to retaliate anymore. My only focus should be on Jesus. Loving Jesus. The battles are fought for me.

Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

Ephesians 6:16-17

Found what I was looking for.

Exactly...
Thank you Jesus.

Psalm 51

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.

Thoughts...

Yearning for something in the past few days.. feels like I'm searching.
Just don't know what it is just yet that I'm looking for and have no clue where I will find it.