Thursday, November 27, 2008
When we hear one another..
I have been on this journey with 24/7 for about a month now.
Looking back, in God's perfect timing, I have been on this journey for much longer than that.
From the time I was saved a little over a year ago, I kept a journal. A few journal entries into my first journal, I stopped journalling and instead filled the blank pages with conversations with God. Pages and pages and pages...of prayer.
Reading back to this years journal, taking into account my new passion for prayer and my strong belief in the mission of 24/7, I see that God has been preparing me for this very moment.
Again, here are bits and pieces of my journal..
April 13/14th
Lord, where is it that you are leading me? Where is it? What is it you want from me? What are you asking? Lord, guide me. Teach me. Help me.
I have felt a strong stirring lately. I pray Lord that you bring things to light and make them clear.
I then refer to my blog where I wrote :
-Prayer. What is prayer? Why does God want us to pray? What do our prayers accomplish? God is not an order taker.. how can we make our prayers 'effective'. What does prayer bring to me? and how does God change my heart through prayer? How does He use my prayers?
-My future.. Where is God leading me? In my life, the relationships he has set on my path, the pressings I feel on my heart, the feeling of unrest, his involvement in my career and day to day. There are certain places I know God has placed me in and there I will stay. I just feel a pressing on my heart that another route will be coming along.. I am in waiting..
From then on, it seemed as thought I was on a quest for prayer. I read books on prayer that had up to that moment been left on the shelf, I called people for their thoughts on prayer, I read any scripture that pertained to prayer.. searching... for ...something...
April 25th
I search for You Jesus & yearn to pray without ceasing. Glorifying You. Praising You. Trusting You. Following You. I ask Lord that Your Spirit come alive in me. Guide me, speak through me.
May 1st
Thank you for surrounding me with lessons of prayer. You have engulfed me in prayer. Teach me to pray Jesus. Perfect me in prayer Lord. Teach me to pray without ceasing. Teach me to pray efficiently for others. To pray in a manner that is pleasing to You. Please God, show me how to pray and let your Spirit guide me in my prayers. Pray through me.
May 8th
Lord, this hunger I have for prayer and the feeling of some things to come have been placed on my heart for some time now. I thank you for it. I thank you for calling my attention to it.
I will continue learning, reading, searching as you prepare me for things to come. Help me be patient Jesus.
And here we are.. two days before our 24/7 Canada Vision night held here in Montreal.
Proof to me..
Looking back, in God's perfect timing, I have been on this journey for much longer than that.
From the time I was saved a little over a year ago, I kept a journal. A few journal entries into my first journal, I stopped journalling and instead filled the blank pages with conversations with God. Pages and pages and pages...of prayer.
Reading back to this years journal, taking into account my new passion for prayer and my strong belief in the mission of 24/7, I see that God has been preparing me for this very moment.
Again, here are bits and pieces of my journal..
April 13/14th
Lord, where is it that you are leading me? Where is it? What is it you want from me? What are you asking? Lord, guide me. Teach me. Help me.
I have felt a strong stirring lately. I pray Lord that you bring things to light and make them clear.
I then refer to my blog where I wrote :
-Prayer. What is prayer? Why does God want us to pray? What do our prayers accomplish? God is not an order taker.. how can we make our prayers 'effective'. What does prayer bring to me? and how does God change my heart through prayer? How does He use my prayers?
-My future.. Where is God leading me? In my life, the relationships he has set on my path, the pressings I feel on my heart, the feeling of unrest, his involvement in my career and day to day. There are certain places I know God has placed me in and there I will stay. I just feel a pressing on my heart that another route will be coming along.. I am in waiting..
From then on, it seemed as thought I was on a quest for prayer. I read books on prayer that had up to that moment been left on the shelf, I called people for their thoughts on prayer, I read any scripture that pertained to prayer.. searching... for ...something...
April 25th
I search for You Jesus & yearn to pray without ceasing. Glorifying You. Praising You. Trusting You. Following You. I ask Lord that Your Spirit come alive in me. Guide me, speak through me.
May 1st
Thank you for surrounding me with lessons of prayer. You have engulfed me in prayer. Teach me to pray Jesus. Perfect me in prayer Lord. Teach me to pray without ceasing. Teach me to pray efficiently for others. To pray in a manner that is pleasing to You. Please God, show me how to pray and let your Spirit guide me in my prayers. Pray through me.
May 8th
Lord, this hunger I have for prayer and the feeling of some things to come have been placed on my heart for some time now. I thank you for it. I thank you for calling my attention to it.
I will continue learning, reading, searching as you prepare me for things to come. Help me be patient Jesus.
On my birthday, Daria (whom I met at community prayer in March) gave me Red Moon Rising- How 24/7 prayer is awakening a generation.. I did not read it until a month ago.. (I read it in a week!!! And will no doubt read it again!)
Through my journal, throughout the summer, even through the valleys, I continued in prayer.
Then in October, Westside did an entire series on prayer.. and I knew.. I knew.. something was happening. I stretched out of my comfort zone and tried different ways to speak and hear God as often as I could..
Praying out loud. Praying over people. Setting up a prayer wall in my room. Praying in pictures. Writing prayers in my phone message book at work before I begin my day..
I practiced what God had been teaching me..
Then in a funny turn of events, Daria (24/7 leader) and I grew closer and I became (as she puts it) her Barnabas haha.. The past few month has been such an adventure!! God is doing amazing things and we are so blessed to catch a glimpse of it!
Then in a funny turn of events, Daria (24/7 leader) and I grew closer and I became (as she puts it) her Barnabas haha.. The past few month has been such an adventure!! God is doing amazing things and we are so blessed to catch a glimpse of it!
And here we are.. two days before our 24/7 Canada Vision night held here in Montreal.
Proof to me..
God hears our prayers.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
24 hour prayer
Westside's first 24 hour prayer has come to an end.
WOW!!!!!!!!
After 48 hours without sleep, I should really be in bed right now..but need to capture my emotions beforehand.
First off let me explain,
A group of us from church (Westside Gathering in conjuction with 24/7 Prayer Canada) prayed for 24 hours for our community, the world, our loved ones, friends, neighbours and basically anyone who requested prayer.
The responses I received in request for prayers were a blessing but also a great responsibility. I told these people that we would pray for them.. and I have to admit, as they kept pouring in.. I felt some anxiety. That anxiety was quickly dissolved once I came to the realization that God had already heard their cries, that He would carry their burdens..not me.
So... we parked our Uhaul converted into a prayer room at the Esso Gas Station at the corner of St-John's boulevard and began pumping out prayer..
I understand that a Uhaul is a bit unconvetional, just as is 24hours of continuous prayer.. but I follow a God that parted waters, made donkeys speak and walked on water.. therefore our crazy, 'radical' Uhaul surely made Him smile. :)
This has been an experience of a lifetime.
In only 24hours, I have been blessed, challenged, stretched, inspired.
My most enjoyable moments were spent silently watching Westside pray. I would open my eyes as we prayed and look around at these big hearts yearning for restoration in our city.
It brought tears to my eyes. I was witnessing God at work. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was also touched by the true desire of my community to share the love of Christ with others. Touched by the discomfort/pain we all experience, knowing that others don't know, cannot understand, how Jesus truly transforms lives and brings an inexplainable fullness to one's life. I was happy to see this authentic desire to share it with everyone who crosses our path.
The prayers were bittersweet.
It was a blessing feel God's heart for people.
It was a great joy to join Him in prayer.
Nonetheless, it broke my heart to hear the cries of my community.
We were in the presence of the Lord..
.... wow!.....
Nonetheless.. my prayers will not end here. Every prayer posted on those walls must be transcribed to our hearts. I know God is pleased that we spent this time with Him, that we prayed that His will be done.. nonethess, if we wish to remain with Him on this great adventure He has planned.. the praying must go on!
The prayers I prayed broke my heart, and I pray that it continues bleeding.
Greater things...
have yet to come...
in this city.
May God bless you.
WOW!!!!!!!!
After 48 hours without sleep, I should really be in bed right now..but need to capture my emotions beforehand.
First off let me explain,
A group of us from church (Westside Gathering in conjuction with 24/7 Prayer Canada) prayed for 24 hours for our community, the world, our loved ones, friends, neighbours and basically anyone who requested prayer.
The responses I received in request for prayers were a blessing but also a great responsibility. I told these people that we would pray for them.. and I have to admit, as they kept pouring in.. I felt some anxiety. That anxiety was quickly dissolved once I came to the realization that God had already heard their cries, that He would carry their burdens..not me.
So... we parked our Uhaul converted into a prayer room at the Esso Gas Station at the corner of St-John's boulevard and began pumping out prayer..
I understand that a Uhaul is a bit unconvetional, just as is 24hours of continuous prayer.. but I follow a God that parted waters, made donkeys speak and walked on water.. therefore our crazy, 'radical' Uhaul surely made Him smile. :)
This has been an experience of a lifetime.
In only 24hours, I have been blessed, challenged, stretched, inspired.
My most enjoyable moments were spent silently watching Westside pray. I would open my eyes as we prayed and look around at these big hearts yearning for restoration in our city.
It brought tears to my eyes. I was witnessing God at work. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was also touched by the true desire of my community to share the love of Christ with others. Touched by the discomfort/pain we all experience, knowing that others don't know, cannot understand, how Jesus truly transforms lives and brings an inexplainable fullness to one's life. I was happy to see this authentic desire to share it with everyone who crosses our path.
The prayers were bittersweet.
It was a blessing feel God's heart for people.
It was a great joy to join Him in prayer.
Nonetheless, it broke my heart to hear the cries of my community.
We were in the presence of the Lord..
.... wow!.....
Nonetheless.. my prayers will not end here. Every prayer posted on those walls must be transcribed to our hearts. I know God is pleased that we spent this time with Him, that we prayed that His will be done.. nonethess, if we wish to remain with Him on this great adventure He has planned.. the praying must go on!
The prayers I prayed broke my heart, and I pray that it continues bleeding.
Greater things...
have yet to come...
in this city.
May God bless you.
The 13th hour
Posting from my journal...
Nov 8th. 8 am. 2008
Still no sleep.
Nov 8th. 8 am. 2008
Still no sleep.
13 hours in the spiritual world.
Praying alone, praying others requests, anonymously, in the dark hours of the night.
Now watching traffic go by..
Watching people rushing to work..
throwing prayers upon them as they speed by.
Waiting with excitement to see the room again.
To see Your work on the walls.
Did they feel our prayers as we whispered in the night, as they slept unaware?
Has one person woken up feeling closer to You Lord?
Has healing touched someone in the wee hours of the night?
I beleive God that You have done great things tonight.
I beleive that You have heard our prayers, searched the depths of our hearts for Your desires.
I beleive that You have been among us.
I thank You God for somehow keeping me awake when I would rather sleep.
I thank You for allowing me to experience every moment, for allowing me to keep watch, & to greet each new arrival.
In the past 13 hours... I have been overwhelmed with... joy.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Prayer.
Love that Westside is walking through a series about prayer.
I also know that we are in tune with God's leading because I see so many people on fire about prayer lately.
It's amazing.
I also know that we are in tune with God's leading because I see so many people on fire about prayer lately.
It's amazing.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Follow me.- Today
First of all.. To my God.
Lord forgive me.
And to you... I am so sorry.
Lord forgive me.
And to you... I am so sorry.
"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow." - James 4:14
I learnt this the hard way tonight. I truly believe that this is the first time that I am fully aware that I missed out on a blessing. That Jesus cried out "Follow me" and I replied .. "tuesday".
It is not that I did not have it on my heart to do what the Lord called me to do. I was just ... busy. Imagine that.. don't I feel sheepish now? Actually, I feel much worse.
Lord, I pray, that the next time you place something on my heart.. I drop everything to follow you.
If you believe that God is calling you to do something. Do it now. Follow. Do not tarry. Nothing is more important and all other things (which in hindsight are simply details) can wait.
"Act decidedly and take the consequences. No good deed was ever done by hesitation."
Thomas Henry Huxley
"Nonna" .. Rispoci in Pace. I know you are with the Lord. I will continue joining you in your prayers for your loved ones. Without ever meeting you have touched my heart. Thank you.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Crisis.
Ironic that I am not worried about the state of the markets these days. I have been trained to tell you that it is because I believe in the historical trends of the markets, that we have been in worse situations before, that you must think long term. As a financial advisor, I could show you graph upon graph to prove these facts to you. All of this is true.
But here is a place where I share my heart. Where I lay down all personalities I portray in my day to day, and stand with nothing but my core. The reason I don't worry about the state of the markets is because I believe there are more important things in this world. I have put much thought into this.. what if I lost all my savings? what if I lost my house? What if I lost my job? What...would I do? I would still be able to find work, still be able to find shelter and still be able to eat. And I would still have God.
We live in a society where jobs are abundant. We live in a society where we can go to the dollar store and buy a can of soup.
Every thing I have is a blessing.
I was told this week, that after the hurricanes in Cuba, food.. basic food such as eggs and bread have become scarce. No matter how many pesos they may have in their pockets, there is no food to buy! This news really put things into perspective for me. As we sit here dreaming about retiring in Riviera Maya instead of Riviere du Loup & trying to stretch our savings to last us 30 years... there are people in this world left starving who are trying to stretch their ration of bread to last them a week.
But here is a place where I share my heart. Where I lay down all personalities I portray in my day to day, and stand with nothing but my core. The reason I don't worry about the state of the markets is because I believe there are more important things in this world. I have put much thought into this.. what if I lost all my savings? what if I lost my house? What if I lost my job? What...would I do? I would still be able to find work, still be able to find shelter and still be able to eat. And I would still have God.
We live in a society where jobs are abundant. We live in a society where we can go to the dollar store and buy a can of soup.
Every thing I have is a blessing.
I was told this week, that after the hurricanes in Cuba, food.. basic food such as eggs and bread have become scarce. No matter how many pesos they may have in their pockets, there is no food to buy! This news really put things into perspective for me. As we sit here dreaming about retiring in Riviera Maya instead of Riviere du Loup & trying to stretch our savings to last us 30 years... there are people in this world left starving who are trying to stretch their ration of bread to last them a week.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Anniversaries.
Someone told me this week that I am the girl of anniversaries. It's true.. certain dates remain very important to me. The 16th is one.. I met Jesus on the 16th of June 2007. I was baptised one year ago, on the 16th of September.
I do hold on to anniversaries.. they are a way for me to pause.. to stop planning the future, to stop living in the moment and to simply pause and look back, remember, the wonderful things Christ has done.
My life today, is beyond anything I could of ever imagined. This past year has been nothing but a blessing. Looking back, through trials, tribulations, successes and failures.. Jesus has been right by my side. He has been present in every single aspect, every facet of my day to day life. He has kept His promises, not one has He broken.
I have grown in my faith. I have learnt so much about myself, about others, about Him. I have learnt to listen to the Spirit within me. I know His voice.
I am still so deeply in love with my Jesus. Beyond all He has done for me.. it is His love that keeps me. True pure love.
So on this anniversary, Lord I thank you. I thank you for the past year and thank you for today.
I do hold on to anniversaries.. they are a way for me to pause.. to stop planning the future, to stop living in the moment and to simply pause and look back, remember, the wonderful things Christ has done.
My life today, is beyond anything I could of ever imagined. This past year has been nothing but a blessing. Looking back, through trials, tribulations, successes and failures.. Jesus has been right by my side. He has been present in every single aspect, every facet of my day to day life. He has kept His promises, not one has He broken.
I have grown in my faith. I have learnt so much about myself, about others, about Him. I have learnt to listen to the Spirit within me. I know His voice.
I am still so deeply in love with my Jesus. Beyond all He has done for me.. it is His love that keeps me. True pure love.
So on this anniversary, Lord I thank you. I thank you for the past year and thank you for today.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Leadership
Do you have any words that you just can't stand?
The words 'leadership' and 'leader' are two words that when I hear send shivers down my spine like nails on a chalkboard or aluminium gritting my teeth.. (yup that bad..)
Here is my gripe with these words.. they feel puffed up... prideful.
I am slowly working through this and apologize if I offend anyone.. it is an issue of mine that I am working to resolve.
I am slowly coming to realize that I have to let go of my association of the word 'leader' with other words such as command, authority, control, captaincy, rule (all found on online thesaurus) and have to get the negative connotation of the word out of my mind.
It's funny because the word has come up often in the past few days.. many people telling me I may just be a leader.. would be a great 'manager' ... and I just don't see it.. (or just don't want the title?)
If I were to be a leader.. I would want to be amongst my people. Down in the dirt with them, sleeves rolled high. A servant leader? I beleive a true leader is one who wants his people to be leaders. Hmmm.... an Encourager. (is that a word?) I would want no power.. would simply want to empower others. I feel great joy when someone I believe in begins to believe in themselves. (And maybe that is the great joy these 'leaders' feel also..hmmm...)
The words 'leadership' and 'leader' are two words that when I hear send shivers down my spine like nails on a chalkboard or aluminium gritting my teeth.. (yup that bad..)
Here is my gripe with these words.. they feel puffed up... prideful.
I am slowly working through this and apologize if I offend anyone.. it is an issue of mine that I am working to resolve.
I am slowly coming to realize that I have to let go of my association of the word 'leader' with other words such as command, authority, control, captaincy, rule (all found on online thesaurus) and have to get the negative connotation of the word out of my mind.
It's funny because the word has come up often in the past few days.. many people telling me I may just be a leader.. would be a great 'manager' ... and I just don't see it.. (or just don't want the title?)
If I were to be a leader.. I would want to be amongst my people. Down in the dirt with them, sleeves rolled high. A servant leader? I beleive a true leader is one who wants his people to be leaders. Hmmm.... an Encourager. (is that a word?) I would want no power.. would simply want to empower others. I feel great joy when someone I believe in begins to believe in themselves. (And maybe that is the great joy these 'leaders' feel also..hmmm...)
Again, I apologize.. my thoughts are simply processing here..
Sunday, August 10, 2008
When God hears your prayers.
Bits and pieces from my journal...
August 5
Lord, I long for connection. Does this walk have to be a lonely one? Can I not connect with others? Forgive me Jesus if my thoughts are misplaced. I am simply searching for what it is I have been trying to fill. What is it that is so lacking that I would resort to old ways..
I long for a group of people I can simply 'be' with. I ask Lord that you guide me through this time and stay with me Jesus.
I pray about these feelings I have about my community. I long for friendships with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I wish we could enjoy our company outside of Sundays. I pray for true and deep relationships.
It was lacking & I resorted to finding it in the world. Forgive me Jesus.
I pray for Westside. For true friendships. For a weekly, daily community. Not just Sundays. Help me take the steps to reach out. Help me try Lord. And if all else fails.. I will trust in you Lord.
My Daily Devotional email sent to me this morning...
August 10
BIBLE MEDITATION:
“For where two or three are gathered together in My name, there am I in the midst of them.” Matthew 18:20
DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:There is something wonderful about unity. I heard about a fellow who courted a girl by writing her a beautiful love letter every day for two years. He thought that would be a wonderful way to court her. Do you know what happened? She married the mail carrier! There is nothing like being there. There is nothing like personal contact. There is a sense in which Jesus Christ is present when His people gather that’s not in any other sense. You cannot get it the same way at home.
ACTION POINT:Do you have a church home? If not, I encourage you to find one today. If church attendance isn’t important, I wonder why Satan works so hard to keep folks away. If you do have a church home, make a special effort this week to meet a new friend and find a need they have which you can meet
Today's Sunday Gathering..
Focusing on community, church...
Acts 2 42-47
And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers.
And fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the apostles.
And all that believed were together, and had all things common;
And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need.
And they, continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their meat with gladness and singleness of heart,
Praising God, and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved.
My confession.
I need my community. I need a tight circle because I cannot fight alone. I attempted to find these relationships in the world and it led me to sin. The world is very enticing. I describe it as.. a steak which tastes like heaven..better than heaven.. but never fills you. You are hungry..starving.. so you keep, day after day, eating that one steak..which looks so good and tastes so sweet..but which never fills you.
It broke my heart and tore at my spirit. It led me to believe lies. I am not strong enough to fight alone. I feel like I'm drowing...and it breaks my heart.
Forgive me for not trying harder. Forgive me for the bitterness in my heart. Forgive me for beleiving lies.
August 5
Lord, I long for connection. Does this walk have to be a lonely one? Can I not connect with others? Forgive me Jesus if my thoughts are misplaced. I am simply searching for what it is I have been trying to fill. What is it that is so lacking that I would resort to old ways..
I long for a group of people I can simply 'be' with. I ask Lord that you guide me through this time and stay with me Jesus.
I pray about these feelings I have about my community. I long for friendships with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I wish we could enjoy our company outside of Sundays. I pray for true and deep relationships.
It was lacking & I resorted to finding it in the world. Forgive me Jesus.
I pray for Westside. For true friendships. For a weekly, daily community. Not just Sundays. Help me take the steps to reach out. Help me try Lord. And if all else fails.. I will trust in you Lord.
My Daily Devotional email sent to me this morning...
August 10
BIBLE MEDITATION:
“For where two or three are gathered together in My name, there am I in the midst of them.” Matthew 18:20
DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:There is something wonderful about unity. I heard about a fellow who courted a girl by writing her a beautiful love letter every day for two years. He thought that would be a wonderful way to court her. Do you know what happened? She married the mail carrier! There is nothing like being there. There is nothing like personal contact. There is a sense in which Jesus Christ is present when His people gather that’s not in any other sense. You cannot get it the same way at home.
ACTION POINT:Do you have a church home? If not, I encourage you to find one today. If church attendance isn’t important, I wonder why Satan works so hard to keep folks away. If you do have a church home, make a special effort this week to meet a new friend and find a need they have which you can meet
Today's Sunday Gathering..
Focusing on community, church...
Acts 2 42-47
And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers.
And fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the apostles.
And all that believed were together, and had all things common;
And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need.
And they, continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their meat with gladness and singleness of heart,
Praising God, and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved.
My confession.
I need my community. I need a tight circle because I cannot fight alone. I attempted to find these relationships in the world and it led me to sin. The world is very enticing. I describe it as.. a steak which tastes like heaven..better than heaven.. but never fills you. You are hungry..starving.. so you keep, day after day, eating that one steak..which looks so good and tastes so sweet..but which never fills you.
It broke my heart and tore at my spirit. It led me to believe lies. I am not strong enough to fight alone. I feel like I'm drowing...and it breaks my heart.
Forgive me for not trying harder. Forgive me for the bitterness in my heart. Forgive me for beleiving lies.
Lord.. after all I have done, I cannot even begin to comprehend how you would hear my prayers. I thank you for meeting me in the dirtiest, darkest places. Thank you for showing me how much I mean to you..And for loving me when I feel like I am undeserving of even singing your name. Jesus.. I know you are with me. Fighting by my side when I am about to give up. The deepest desire of my heart Lord is to always be in your presence and to please you Lord. Forgive me for not living it out. Forgive me for being too weak to fight at times. Forgive me for doubting that you will fight for me.
Thank you Jesus. Thank you.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Caught my eye
This blog caught my attention today...
http://thelayerfamily.blogspot.com/2008/05/some-pictures-are-coming-later.html
Still praying, mulling through alot these days.
May not yet find roots.. but as I lay my heart open..God will keep digging.
http://thelayerfamily.blogspot.com/2008/05/some-pictures-are-coming-later.html
Still praying, mulling through alot these days.
May not yet find roots.. but as I lay my heart open..God will keep digging.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
The ledge.
I am going through a season.
I don't want to hear it.. and it will push me further.
I am still reading, still aware, and still loving Christ.
But..I am tired.
I am tired of transparency. I am tired of everyone having an answer. I am tired.
I am writing right now more so for rememberance later than to share...
I am being bluntly and openly honest here.
What I want is silence. What I need is Jesus. Just Jesus.
Pray for me if you wish. Just don't tell me that you are.
Don't ask me how I am or ask for more details than this...
I am going through a season.
I don't want to hear it.. and it will push me further.
I am still reading, still aware, and still loving Christ.
But..I am tired.
I am tired of transparency. I am tired of everyone having an answer. I am tired.
I am writing right now more so for rememberance later than to share...
I am being bluntly and openly honest here.
What I want is silence. What I need is Jesus. Just Jesus.
Pray for me if you wish. Just don't tell me that you are.
Don't ask me how I am or ask for more details than this...
I am going through a season.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Fallen Angel.
To you..
My spirit cries for you.
You know that you are on a slippery slope. You have once again had a taste of this world. One touch to your lips and it all came flooding back in. It felt wonderful didn't it? Then why is it that you feel so empty?
It breaks your heart to be in the place that you are. Not lost.. but definitely not on a road worth walking.
What is it that led you to turn? What is it that caught your attention? One split second, one glance... one wrong turn.
So you stand on this road... looking ahead yet seeing the past..
His voice you once heard is getting fainter... yet He hasn't moved. He is right there standing where you left Him.. calling out your name.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Would Jesus approve?
A note I wrote on facebook.. but for all eyes to see..
Would Jesus approve?
Wow.. how many times do I hear that at work in a day. I am glad that at least my actions, my words are constantly under scrutiny at work. But I do need to explain something to you all about my faith.
I have been asked...
if I 'can't' drink... because of my 'religion'.
if I 'can't' have sex... because of my 'religion'.
if I can 'ask' my pastor if I can miss church for just one Sunday.
First of all my faith does not have much to do with religion at all. Which is why, when you ask what religion I am.. I say Christian.. which leads you all to usually ask.. what kind of Christian (protestant, catholic..).. which always leads me to answer.. just Christian.
And even then.. I say Christian... but basically..my belief is in Jesus and in the Bible. Plain and simple. No titles. I beleive in the root of it all which is God.
Now.. to what I can and cannot do.
It is more what I choose and choose not to do.
I lately read this in a book (The end of Religion- Bruxy Cavey) : "Do I kiss my wife to earn her love? Or do I kiss my wife to express the love that we already share? ... Sure, God wants us to live good lives, but the goodness we live out in this world is an act of gratitude for our spiritual life and not religious attempts to be good enough to earn that life."
As for the commandments which you all know so well :) The laws as some of you call them.
I knew them well also even before knowing Christ.
But wow.. if only I had read a bit further..
"Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes." Romans 10:4
"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. " Romans 10:9
You must have also heard the word GRACE before. (bah.. the song Amazing Grace ring a bell?)Jesus' grace is what saves me from the law.
If the afterlife were all based on whether or not we followed a set of rules.. Heaven would be a pretty large space with very little souls.
Nonetheless.. because I love my God.. I do try my best (and often fail, fall, disappoint.. which is where grace comes in again) to live my life with love and wisdom. Which by the way.. I have obtained most of by reading all those 'rules' in the Bible lol.
On my good days and even on the bad ones.. I hope I, at the very least, represent this one commandment by which I choose to live my life...
And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. -Mark 12:29-31
I think... Jesus would approve. :)
Would Jesus approve?
Wow.. how many times do I hear that at work in a day. I am glad that at least my actions, my words are constantly under scrutiny at work. But I do need to explain something to you all about my faith.
I have been asked...
if I 'can't' drink... because of my 'religion'.
if I 'can't' have sex... because of my 'religion'.
if I can 'ask' my pastor if I can miss church for just one Sunday.
First of all my faith does not have much to do with religion at all. Which is why, when you ask what religion I am.. I say Christian.. which leads you all to usually ask.. what kind of Christian (protestant, catholic..).. which always leads me to answer.. just Christian.
And even then.. I say Christian... but basically..my belief is in Jesus and in the Bible. Plain and simple. No titles. I beleive in the root of it all which is God.
Now.. to what I can and cannot do.
It is more what I choose and choose not to do.
I lately read this in a book (The end of Religion- Bruxy Cavey) : "Do I kiss my wife to earn her love? Or do I kiss my wife to express the love that we already share? ... Sure, God wants us to live good lives, but the goodness we live out in this world is an act of gratitude for our spiritual life and not religious attempts to be good enough to earn that life."
As for the commandments which you all know so well :) The laws as some of you call them.
I knew them well also even before knowing Christ.
But wow.. if only I had read a bit further..
"Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes." Romans 10:4
"That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. " Romans 10:9
You must have also heard the word GRACE before. (bah.. the song Amazing Grace ring a bell?)Jesus' grace is what saves me from the law.
If the afterlife were all based on whether or not we followed a set of rules.. Heaven would be a pretty large space with very little souls.
Nonetheless.. because I love my God.. I do try my best (and often fail, fall, disappoint.. which is where grace comes in again) to live my life with love and wisdom. Which by the way.. I have obtained most of by reading all those 'rules' in the Bible lol.
On my good days and even on the bad ones.. I hope I, at the very least, represent this one commandment by which I choose to live my life...
And Jesus answered him, The first of all the commandments is, Hear, O Israel; The Lord our God is one Lord: And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, and with all thy strength: this is the first commandment. And the second is like, namely this, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these. -Mark 12:29-31
I think... Jesus would approve. :)
Monday, July 14, 2008
Standing at the gates.
How ironic that I find this after my last post.
Wisdom stands at the gates...
Proverbs 8
Does not wisdom call out?
Does not understanding raise her voice?
On the heights along the way,
where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
beside the gates leading into the city,
at the entrances, she cries aloud:
"To you, O men, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.
You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish, gain understanding.
Listen, for I have worthy things to say;
I open my lips to speak what is right.
My mouth speaks what is true,
for my lips detest wickedness.
All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.
To the discerning all of them are right;
they are faultless to those who have knowledge.
Choose my instruction instead of silver,
knowledge rather than choice gold,
for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
"I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
I possess knowledge and discretion.
To fear the LORD is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
I have understanding and power.
By me kings reign
and rulers make laws that are just;
by me princes govern,
and all nobles who rule on earth.
I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.
With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.
My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.
I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,
bestowing wealth on those who love me
and making their treasuries full.
"The LORD brought me forth as the first of his works,
before his deeds of old;
I was appointed from eternity,
from the beginning, before the world began.
When there were no oceans, I was given birth,
when there were no springs abounding with water;
before the mountains were settled in place,
before the hills, I was given birth,
before he made the earth or its fields
or any of the dust of the world.
I was there when he set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
Then I was the craftsman at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,
rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
"Now then, my sons, listen to me;
blessed are those who keep my ways.
Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not ignore it.
Blessed is the man who listens to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.
For whoever finds me finds life
and receives favor from the LORD.
But whoever fails to find me harms himself;
all who hate me love death."
Wisdom stands at the gates...
Proverbs 8
Does not wisdom call out?
Does not understanding raise her voice?
On the heights along the way,
where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
beside the gates leading into the city,
at the entrances, she cries aloud:
"To you, O men, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.
You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish, gain understanding.
Listen, for I have worthy things to say;
I open my lips to speak what is right.
My mouth speaks what is true,
for my lips detest wickedness.
All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.
To the discerning all of them are right;
they are faultless to those who have knowledge.
Choose my instruction instead of silver,
knowledge rather than choice gold,
for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
"I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
I possess knowledge and discretion.
To fear the LORD is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
I have understanding and power.
By me kings reign
and rulers make laws that are just;
by me princes govern,
and all nobles who rule on earth.
I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.
With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.
My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.
I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,
bestowing wealth on those who love me
and making their treasuries full.
"The LORD brought me forth as the first of his works,
before his deeds of old;
I was appointed from eternity,
from the beginning, before the world began.
When there were no oceans, I was given birth,
when there were no springs abounding with water;
before the mountains were settled in place,
before the hills, I was given birth,
before he made the earth or its fields
or any of the dust of the world.
I was there when he set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
Then I was the craftsman at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,
rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
"Now then, my sons, listen to me;
blessed are those who keep my ways.
Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not ignore it.
Blessed is the man who listens to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.
For whoever finds me finds life
and receives favor from the LORD.
But whoever fails to find me harms himself;
all who hate me love death."
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Previous address. The world.
Looking in from the outside..standing at the outskirts of a dark place once called home, I know how easy it would be to just give in and return.
As I step into the world, standing on familiar ground, I see the sights I have seen time and time again..yet I feel like a tourist, I feel like a foreigner. I'm not quite welcome since they know where I now reside.... but at the same time, am aware of the invitation to stay..that is... if I promise to stay.
The enticing invitation filled with false promises.. An invitation to 'freedom' into a world which in the end would emprison me. A world to which I would become a slave.
The world.. Its just not what used to be.
As I step into the world, standing on familiar ground, I see the sights I have seen time and time again..yet I feel like a tourist, I feel like a foreigner. I'm not quite welcome since they know where I now reside.... but at the same time, am aware of the invitation to stay..that is... if I promise to stay.
The enticing invitation filled with false promises.. An invitation to 'freedom' into a world which in the end would emprison me. A world to which I would become a slave.
The world.. Its just not what used to be.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Speak.
What a blessing it was to speak at the MB Conference tonight. It always brings me so much joy, fills my heart when I get to share my testimony.
I am so thankful..
..for the opportunity to share how amazing God is and how He truly can transform lives.
..that I was given such a beautiful story. That God worked all things together.
..that even with my stumbles, the Lord will not forsake me. He will use me.
..for the conviction, the faith I have been given.
..to be able to celebrate, worship, pray.
..for the chance to remember, to look back, to revisit the many events that led to this relationship I now have with Jesus.
Lord, thank you.
I am so thankful..
..for the opportunity to share how amazing God is and how He truly can transform lives.
..that I was given such a beautiful story. That God worked all things together.
..that even with my stumbles, the Lord will not forsake me. He will use me.
..for the conviction, the faith I have been given.
..to be able to celebrate, worship, pray.
..for the chance to remember, to look back, to revisit the many events that led to this relationship I now have with Jesus.
Lord, thank you.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Pit stop.
.
.
There's no field of daisies around here... but if there was... I'd be doing cartwheels in it.
.
.
I am so content with all that I have today.
.
.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Reservation.
Well, I guess it is safe to say that God has taught me much about transparency over the last year. I have attempted to be as genuine and as honest as possible.
You see, it is great to be transparent.. honest. But as with everything else, your intentions that lay behind that honesty is what is important.
I must confess, that I have harbored bitterness in my heart. In an attempt to expose truth, I sunk to the level of exactly what I was combatting. Instead of showing grace, forgiveness.. I seeked justice.
Now, I am the one who feels I should ask forgiveness of those I (knowing Christ) should have forgiven a long time ago.
I have removed my blog from my facebook profile for the time being.. and am still not sure how I will proceed with the blog itself. After a year of open book on facebook, it may be time to refine.
To you ..should you read this,
I do not write this to right where I went wrong. I do pray that you forgive me. I could justify my intentions but in the end my sin, which should have only fallen on my shoulders, has affected you.
I apologize.
To you.. who will never read this,
Forgive me for holding these feelings of bitterness and anger against you. Forgive me for judging you. Forgive me for never forgiving you.
To you...Lord.
Forgive me Jesus. I thank you for blessing me with sight of my wrongdoings. I pray Lord that you bless those I have hurt. I ask that you teach me to shine only light. Teach me reservation when my heart is misplaced and wisdom to know when and when not to share. May my actions and words only reflect the God I follow.
Now, I believe it is time for a new lesson.
Reservation.
You see, it is great to be transparent.. honest. But as with everything else, your intentions that lay behind that honesty is what is important.
Beware of being unrighteous as you strive for righteousness.
I have come to realize through very unfortunate events that ones transparency can hurt others as well as oneself. If, in your transparency you display darkness found in your heart.. especially to unbelievers... then any of your attempts to shed light are nulled.I must confess, that I have harbored bitterness in my heart. In an attempt to expose truth, I sunk to the level of exactly what I was combatting. Instead of showing grace, forgiveness.. I seeked justice.
Now, I am the one who feels I should ask forgiveness of those I (knowing Christ) should have forgiven a long time ago.
I have removed my blog from my facebook profile for the time being.. and am still not sure how I will proceed with the blog itself. After a year of open book on facebook, it may be time to refine.
To you ..should you read this,
I do not write this to right where I went wrong. I do pray that you forgive me. I could justify my intentions but in the end my sin, which should have only fallen on my shoulders, has affected you.
I apologize.
To you.. who will never read this,
Forgive me for holding these feelings of bitterness and anger against you. Forgive me for judging you. Forgive me for never forgiving you.
To you...Lord.
Forgive me Jesus. I thank you for blessing me with sight of my wrongdoings. I pray Lord that you bless those I have hurt. I ask that you teach me to shine only light. Teach me reservation when my heart is misplaced and wisdom to know when and when not to share. May my actions and words only reflect the God I follow.
Monday, June 16, 2008
June 16th 2008
.
Psalm 30
.
I will extol thee, O LORD; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.
O LORD, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
Sing unto the LORD, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.
LORD, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled.
I cried to thee, O LORD; and unto the LORD I made supplication.
What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper.
Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.
O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.
O LORD, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
Sing unto the LORD, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.
LORD, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled.
I cried to thee, O LORD; and unto the LORD I made supplication.
What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper.
Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.
.
.
.
It brings me to tears when I think that a year has gone by since this journey began. I have spent this evening reflecting, remembering, thanking...
I am overwhelmed with gratitude, a gratitude that cannot easily be expressed in words, but more so by tears of joy. I have written and rewritten this post.. and just cannot find the words.
I have no words. As I look back on this year, I am FILLED with joy and an overwhelming feeling of love. I am AMAZED by my very personal yet immense, amazing God.
I wanted to thank all that have crossed my path, walked with me, shared their wisdom or simply said one word in passing that may have touched my heart, stirred my Spirit. I wanted to write of the beautiful truths I have learnt, of the faith I was given... But my heart is simply bursting with these 3 words...
.
.
THANK YOU JESUS.
THANK YOU JESUS.
.
.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Casting your cares.
I read this a few days ago ..
To me, this is confession. So often I beleive we hide behind the words "God, you know my heart". True He does. But did Peter not also say?
I beleive we don't always share with him what is truly on our heart. And have come to realize that when you do.. then, you are right with God.
If your heart is unrepentant ....tell Him.
If you fear that he will take your wants away.. tell Him.
If you are angry... tell Him.
If you can't take anymore... tell Him.
He will guide you through. He can change your heart... if you let Him.
These are not confessions that look too pretty on paper. But since God knows your heart.. why not confess it... it is safe to share it with Him.. because..haha...He already knows!!
"Tell God all that is in your heart, as one unloads one's heart, its pleasures and its pains, to a dear friend. Tell Him your troubles, that He may comfort you; tell Him your joys, that He may sober them; tell Him your longings, that He may purify them; tell Him your dislikes, that He may help you conquer them; talk to Him of your temptations, that He may shield you from them: show Him the wounds of your heart, that He may heal them; lay bare your indifference to good, your depraved tastes for evil, your instability. Tell Him how self-love makes you unjust to others, how vanity tempts you to be insincere, how pride disguises you to yourself and others."
Francois Fenelon
To me, this is confession. So often I beleive we hide behind the words "God, you know my heart". True He does. But did Peter not also say?
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. -1 Peter 5:7
I beleive we don't always share with him what is truly on our heart. And have come to realize that when you do.. then, you are right with God.
If your heart is unrepentant ....tell Him.
If you fear that he will take your wants away.. tell Him.
If you are angry... tell Him.
If you can't take anymore... tell Him.
He will guide you through. He can change your heart... if you let Him.
These are not confessions that look too pretty on paper. But since God knows your heart.. why not confess it... it is safe to share it with Him.. because..haha...He already knows!!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Testifying upon request.
.
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have." - 1 Peter 3:15.
.
This is for you...
.
You are in a wonderful place right now. Maybe terrifying..I understand. To look around you and see no purpose to all of it? To search for something, anything to fill you... for even a moment. To be unhappy, discontented without even knowing why, without knowing what it is you are truly searching for.
.
I say you are in a wonderful place because, although discouraging, see it as a veil being removed from your eyes. (It may lead you to understand the saying, I once was blind but now I see.)
.
Many still walk around completly blind... I am happy, and praise God, that an inkling of light is seeping through.
.
I have been there. And yes, it is a choice. You must make that choice. The God I have met will never force you to do anything. The choice is not as hard as you may think though... if you think God is knocking on your door.. all you need to do is let him in.
.
All I had to do was let Him into my life. He placed the faith. He changed my heart.
In time.. things you once held on to.. don't seem as important anymore.
The fears you once had.. don't scare you anymore.
The past hurts..in time.. are healed.
You learn to hear His voice. You learn to trust Him.
.
As for what you may think of "Christians" .. here's what I used to think.. I thought a Christian girl wore long skirts, admonished anyone who drank, cursed.. You know.. The good girl.
Here's my view of a Christian today... it is someone who lives their life trusting that the God that created this world loves them. Someone who wants others to experience the love of Christ. A regular person... with true hope.
.
The love of Christ is a love that I can't even explain. His love fills you. He guides you through life. Reassures you when you need Him. Teaches you. And shows you what this life really is..
.
Do you believe in God?
Is your view of God.. this BIG God.. that you haven't really met?
He is GOD. He is also very personal. I know.. it sounds absurd.. that this BIG God would take the time to talk to little me.. but He does.
.
.
Since you are precious and honored in my sight,and because I love you, I will give men in exchange for you,and people in exchange for your life. Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the east and gather you from the
west. - Isaiah 43
.
.
.
THIS is life. It is sometimes a hard walk...because...sigh we are human. But it is filled with blessings. It is beautiful. It does have a purpose.
.
.
.
May Jesus keep knocking. May you keep searching.
May you meet someday soon.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
En Cuba encontre mi lugar.
I will attempt to write it all out.. it has taken me a few days to blog about my trip..because in only one week.. I have seen, realized and learnt so much..
I know that this is not your usual vacation. I understand that I took risks that many would not. Please understand that this who I am. It was something I truly had to experience.
and Wow... what an experience. To speak openly with people about their lives, challenges, hurts.. To attempt to 'infiltrate' an entirely different culture. To, for a moment, try to feel with them. I laughed, I cried, I got angry, I hoped, I prayed...
Cuba May 2008
As expected, I did encounter a few dilemmas at the airport.. but not because of the gifts I carried but more so because of how often I have travelled to Cuba in the past year. At customs, they asked me a slew of questions, especially..why I was coming to Cuba over and over again.. After explaining my love for the country, I was finally let through.. Then, I was stopped with my luggage and checked for drugs. (Completly understandable that they would assume that of a young woman who frequently travels alone to Cuba.)
I spent 2 days at the resort. My friend Joel met me there and also had a room for the nights we were there. As much as I wanted to experience Cuba, I wanted him to experience a vacation. I wanted to let him know what it was like to be on the other side.
We spent most of our days off the resort, walking through the streets of Varadero. We ate in Cuban restaurants, ate 'real' cuban food. I have fallen in love with an entree called Camarones - cold shrimp, ketchup and mayo! He even showed me the room he rents out from an elderly couple in a 'duplex' while he works in Varadero.
Honestly throughout this whole trip, I could not have asked for a better companion, guide. He understood exactly what I wanted out of this trip and made it a point to be as open and as honest as possible. If you have ever been to Cuba, you know that politics and Cubans sentiments about them are not usually something they like to discuss. I am so grateful that he let me into his world and shared his thoughts and feelings with me. He was a true gentleman and has become a very good friend of mine. He said.. no matter how poor... "When a gentleman walks into a room..everyone takes off their hat."
Almost everything he owns has been given to him by tourists.. boxers, deodorant, toothbrushes, clothing, shoes, socks. (Yes.. he showed me his closet).
The night before my birthday, he brought me to the amusement park in Varadero. As you know, I still don't drive... he brought me there for the bumper car ride! I have come to the realization that thoughfulness is priceless.
Now.. on to Havana..
May 21st.
I was given the choice of taking the bus to Havana as all tourists do or to get there 'Cuban style'. Obviously, I opted for the latter. So we jumped in a Cuban's car and headed to Havana. Joel made the mistake of speaking to me in english... the car stopped, the man panicked and told us to get out. You see, a Cuban cannot have a Canadian or any any tourist for that matter in their car.. for any reason whatsoever. Later, Joel and I discussed this. He told me that luckily I could pass for a Cuban because had I been blonde and blue eyed there is no way I could have experienced half of the things I did. A Cuban will be brought to the police station should he have a tourist in his car, sleeping in his home and sometimes even simply walking together on the street. They can be fined up to 1000$ which is more than one year's salary.
Imagine.. being restricted to whom you can be with..
He finally calmed down and we kept on with our journey to Havana. One hour away from Havana, in the town of Madruga, the car stopped.... and never revived. Now stuck on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.. I could imagine any of us.. in a state of panic.. grabbing our cell phone...cursing..calling up any friend to come pick us up.. or, still cursing...calling CAA. Looking back, although yes, there was frustration..they didn't panic. It amazes me. So..we waited by the side of the road and a car finally stopped an picked us up and drove us all the way to Havana. It was quiet ride for me - Joel had warned me to not say a word, nor in spanish nor in english.. It was a very quiet ride...especially after he advised me that we were in a government car!
At times, I would get a little stressed, for example when packing for Havana. We are so used to stress here that we seem to 'work with it'. It has become some sort of defense mechanism.. I have now realized it is counter productive. Joel could not understand it. I will from now on remember his words. "The energy you use for stress could be used fixing the problem. Stress clouds a part of your judgement which could have been used for another purpose."
Havana is where I saw the real Cuba. Joel and I spent three days, walking the streets, visiting friends and family. Talking with them. Seeing their homes.
On one specific day..we packed all the gifts in two big plastic bags and simply walked around and gave them out randomly. We went to a school for the mentally challenged and gave out baseball caps.. I will never forget one of the boys who kept coming up to us to show us his new red hat.
To see the look of confusion on a little girl's face as I gave her a teddy bear.. she looked up to her mother, not quite understanding.. her mother nodded and gave me the biggest smile. As they walked away.. the chiquitica looked back at me, smiled and held up her bear.
Many people we gave to reacted as though I had given them a brand new car... "Oh no..I cannot accept .." many said as we gave them a tshirt, some stockings, and toys for their children.
I will never forget seeing Joel, a man who does not own much, give with such joy. A man who does not own much, walking back to an elderly woman begging in an alley and giving her a peso. A man to whom little was given, who gives much.
I had expected to take many picture of the places I visited and the people I spoke with. But somehow, I did not want to 'put them on display'. I can't explain it... I just did not feel right taking pictures..
The homes I visited were impeccable, in complete ruins, but impeccable. Their clothes are spotless. They have little but the little they have, they cherish.
They wash their clothing in a basin with a brush and whatever detergent they may have..
Imagine not having running water at your leisure. The water for the shower and faucets runs for a few hours in the morning and that's it for the day. So, after showering in the morning, we collected water in water bottles and buckets for our shower at night.
Imagine not being able to flick through tv channels... many of us sit in front of our tvs 'surfing' complaining that "there is nothing on tv." ... Imagine having only 4 channels to choose from...
Imagine not having a seat on your toilet.. because you just can't afford one.
Imagine having to carry toilet paper with you where ever you go. Because it is so expensive.. there is no toilet paper in public washrooms.
I was without luxuries. But somehow, more content than ever. You quickly learn to appreciate the little things.
It is true, that the laws in Cuba are becoming a bit looser. Cubans are now allowed in hotels-but not always treated with as much respect. They can have cell phones (which are usually given to them by tourists). They are allowed computers - with restricted internet access. Nonetheless, I was told, there is this underlying fear, distrust of the upcoming changes. I was told that many things will be changing in Cuba within the next two years... and that not all change is good.
As I talked with people.. the hope I had once seen in Cuba seemed to diminish. It is more... hurt and anger.. and survival. They survive. It angered me and broke my heart. I could not understand how a government, no... how people, can watch their own live in such poverty. Joel told me that he would explain it to me the day he comes understand it himself.
I had the opportunity to visit the statue of Christ. A year ago, a few weeks before being saved, I had sat under this immense statue and just stared at it for what seemed like an hour. It was overwhelming to go back with a complete different understanding....
"I now know you. Thank you."
I also visited a church. As I walked directly to the cross, everyone stopped first to pray to Mary. They call her the Patron Saint of Cuba, the Virgin of Charity. (For more info and history http://www.sacred-destinations.com/cuba/el-cobre.htm) This brought on conversations about the Pope, saints, Mary and of course Jesus...in broken spanish, I shared my beliefs. Why not speak directly to the source? Why not directly speak with Jesus?
Other than Catholicism, many Cubans follow Santeria (Way of the Saints) an Afro-Caribbean religion with some Roman Catholic elements added. We did not talk too much about it. Nor am I really comfortable looking into it too much right now. All I know is that is is a religion that grew out of the slave trade in Cuba and often times involves ritual dancing and sacrifice. Its a mix of Catholic beliefs and African ritual.
Ahi na ma. (Enough about that. That's it.)
Ironically, Joel went around testifying for me. Opening doors. Somehow, he always seemed to tell others about my faith.
We had many conversations and I had the opportunity to share my love for Christ, my story and my journey.
Joel's family showed me so much love. I spent much time with them and never did they treat me with anything less than respect and love. In the past few days, God has truly blessed me and in turn his family.. Joel's brother Randy has diabetes. They explained to me that in Cuba, it is impossible to purchase a blood sugar monitor nor the strips-they just don't exist. He owns an old kit that was given to him by a tourist and is quickly running out of strips. Once all the strips are done, he will have to resort to peeing in a cup, putting a liquid in it and then placing it over a fire. The color it changes to determines his sugar level. I promised, I would do my best to get him strips by my next trip planned almost 6 months away.
God decided otherwise... I never read magazines... but this week I flipped through a magazine and the pages fell open to an inserted coupon available only in Canadian pharmacies for a FREE Blood sugar monitoring kit with the purchase of strips. I now have 200 strips, the lancets and kit for Randy. If that is not amazing enough, a client I met a year ago in Cuba came to see me at the bank for a loan.. He is off to Cuba next week and is staying at Joel's resort!! Since I had helped him with his impossible mortgage a year ago.. he had no problems carrying stuff to Cuba for me. All coincidence. Nothing but a blessing.
I spoke with one man who twice tried to escape Cuba. The first time, he sold everything he owned to buy an engine for the boat. It collapsed in the ocean and he had to swim back to shore. The second time, he was stopped by the police before even reaching the water. Imagine... if we are unhappy with the place where we live.. we have the freedom to pack up, leave and start over.. They can only 'escape'.
He finally came to terms with his life and is now working in tourism.
I discussed the reputation Cubans have concerning marrying tourists in order to get out of Cuba. It does happen. One man married a woman from Italy.. leaving his country and family behind.. only to be treated as prisoner by his new wife. She finally let him leave, and he came home to Cuba.
Many people around the world get married for the wrong reasons. Nonetheless, those who married for love, are still together.. in Cuba and abroad.
We were very lucky that that throughout our trip, not once were we approached by la policia. It is not uncommon for the police to walk up to a Cuban in the street ask for his id card should he be walking with someone who looks like or is a tourist. They verify that the Cuban is not a jinatero (escort or prostitute). I saw some extremely young girls approaching much older tourists. It is disgusting that an old man would take advantage of such a dire situation.
Everyone in Cuba has a way to make money on the side. Not out of greed.. they simply have to. A hotel worker will steal forks from the hotel, sell them to someone who turns them into jewelry to sell in the market. A bartender will sell you a bottle from the bar. A doctor will take money from a hotel entertainer to write up a fake prescription in order for them to get a few days off (Joel...for example... paid for a very bad kidney infection last week).
Speaking of infections... I started a fever on the Wednesday night. My glands began to swell the next morning. My foot was twice it's size by friday. We rushed back to Varadero in the middle of Friday night, again by car, in order for me to get medical attention by Saturday morning. I had been bitten badly by mosquitos and ended up with a nasty infection. I can only imagine the fear of the driver who must have thought he had a Canadian dying in the backseat of his car!! At a certain point, Joel later told me, he actually had to ask the guy to slow down!!
Even after 7 injections and crutches... I have nothing bad to say about the experience. The nurse and doctor were amazing. At least.. I was able to experience their medical system. Even in those moments, we found reasons to laugh.
I am so grateful for this trip. It surpassed all of my expectations.
I will cherish the memories and continue praying for the people of Cuba.
Early one morning, as we spent a quiet moment looking out at Cuba from the balcony ... After spending the previous days visiting the slums, the dirty streets...after shedding tears for their lack of freedom...after seeing the injustice and great poverty...
I told Joel..
"Even after all I have seen... I still love Cuba."
He answered quietly.....
"Me too."
I know that this is not your usual vacation. I understand that I took risks that many would not. Please understand that this who I am. It was something I truly had to experience.
and Wow... what an experience. To speak openly with people about their lives, challenges, hurts.. To attempt to 'infiltrate' an entirely different culture. To, for a moment, try to feel with them. I laughed, I cried, I got angry, I hoped, I prayed...
Cuba May 2008
As expected, I did encounter a few dilemmas at the airport.. but not because of the gifts I carried but more so because of how often I have travelled to Cuba in the past year. At customs, they asked me a slew of questions, especially..why I was coming to Cuba over and over again.. After explaining my love for the country, I was finally let through.. Then, I was stopped with my luggage and checked for drugs. (Completly understandable that they would assume that of a young woman who frequently travels alone to Cuba.)
I spent 2 days at the resort. My friend Joel met me there and also had a room for the nights we were there. As much as I wanted to experience Cuba, I wanted him to experience a vacation. I wanted to let him know what it was like to be on the other side.
We spent most of our days off the resort, walking through the streets of Varadero. We ate in Cuban restaurants, ate 'real' cuban food. I have fallen in love with an entree called Camarones - cold shrimp, ketchup and mayo! He even showed me the room he rents out from an elderly couple in a 'duplex' while he works in Varadero.
Honestly throughout this whole trip, I could not have asked for a better companion, guide. He understood exactly what I wanted out of this trip and made it a point to be as open and as honest as possible. If you have ever been to Cuba, you know that politics and Cubans sentiments about them are not usually something they like to discuss. I am so grateful that he let me into his world and shared his thoughts and feelings with me. He was a true gentleman and has become a very good friend of mine. He said.. no matter how poor... "When a gentleman walks into a room..everyone takes off their hat."
Almost everything he owns has been given to him by tourists.. boxers, deodorant, toothbrushes, clothing, shoes, socks. (Yes.. he showed me his closet).
The night before my birthday, he brought me to the amusement park in Varadero. As you know, I still don't drive... he brought me there for the bumper car ride! I have come to the realization that thoughfulness is priceless.
Now.. on to Havana..
May 21st.
I was given the choice of taking the bus to Havana as all tourists do or to get there 'Cuban style'. Obviously, I opted for the latter. So we jumped in a Cuban's car and headed to Havana. Joel made the mistake of speaking to me in english... the car stopped, the man panicked and told us to get out. You see, a Cuban cannot have a Canadian or any any tourist for that matter in their car.. for any reason whatsoever. Later, Joel and I discussed this. He told me that luckily I could pass for a Cuban because had I been blonde and blue eyed there is no way I could have experienced half of the things I did. A Cuban will be brought to the police station should he have a tourist in his car, sleeping in his home and sometimes even simply walking together on the street. They can be fined up to 1000$ which is more than one year's salary.
Imagine.. being restricted to whom you can be with..
He finally calmed down and we kept on with our journey to Havana. One hour away from Havana, in the town of Madruga, the car stopped.... and never revived. Now stuck on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.. I could imagine any of us.. in a state of panic.. grabbing our cell phone...cursing..calling up any friend to come pick us up.. or, still cursing...calling CAA. Looking back, although yes, there was frustration..they didn't panic. It amazes me. So..we waited by the side of the road and a car finally stopped an picked us up and drove us all the way to Havana. It was quiet ride for me - Joel had warned me to not say a word, nor in spanish nor in english.. It was a very quiet ride...especially after he advised me that we were in a government car!
At times, I would get a little stressed, for example when packing for Havana. We are so used to stress here that we seem to 'work with it'. It has become some sort of defense mechanism.. I have now realized it is counter productive. Joel could not understand it. I will from now on remember his words. "The energy you use for stress could be used fixing the problem. Stress clouds a part of your judgement which could have been used for another purpose."
Havana is where I saw the real Cuba. Joel and I spent three days, walking the streets, visiting friends and family. Talking with them. Seeing their homes.
On one specific day..we packed all the gifts in two big plastic bags and simply walked around and gave them out randomly. We went to a school for the mentally challenged and gave out baseball caps.. I will never forget one of the boys who kept coming up to us to show us his new red hat.
To see the look of confusion on a little girl's face as I gave her a teddy bear.. she looked up to her mother, not quite understanding.. her mother nodded and gave me the biggest smile. As they walked away.. the chiquitica looked back at me, smiled and held up her bear.
Many people we gave to reacted as though I had given them a brand new car... "Oh no..I cannot accept .." many said as we gave them a tshirt, some stockings, and toys for their children.
I will never forget seeing Joel, a man who does not own much, give with such joy. A man who does not own much, walking back to an elderly woman begging in an alley and giving her a peso. A man to whom little was given, who gives much.
I had expected to take many picture of the places I visited and the people I spoke with. But somehow, I did not want to 'put them on display'. I can't explain it... I just did not feel right taking pictures..
The homes I visited were impeccable, in complete ruins, but impeccable. Their clothes are spotless. They have little but the little they have, they cherish.
They wash their clothing in a basin with a brush and whatever detergent they may have..
Imagine not having running water at your leisure. The water for the shower and faucets runs for a few hours in the morning and that's it for the day. So, after showering in the morning, we collected water in water bottles and buckets for our shower at night.
Imagine not being able to flick through tv channels... many of us sit in front of our tvs 'surfing' complaining that "there is nothing on tv." ... Imagine having only 4 channels to choose from...
Imagine not having a seat on your toilet.. because you just can't afford one.
Imagine having to carry toilet paper with you where ever you go. Because it is so expensive.. there is no toilet paper in public washrooms.
I was without luxuries. But somehow, more content than ever. You quickly learn to appreciate the little things.
It is true, that the laws in Cuba are becoming a bit looser. Cubans are now allowed in hotels-but not always treated with as much respect. They can have cell phones (which are usually given to them by tourists). They are allowed computers - with restricted internet access. Nonetheless, I was told, there is this underlying fear, distrust of the upcoming changes. I was told that many things will be changing in Cuba within the next two years... and that not all change is good.
As I talked with people.. the hope I had once seen in Cuba seemed to diminish. It is more... hurt and anger.. and survival. They survive. It angered me and broke my heart. I could not understand how a government, no... how people, can watch their own live in such poverty. Joel told me that he would explain it to me the day he comes understand it himself.
I had the opportunity to visit the statue of Christ. A year ago, a few weeks before being saved, I had sat under this immense statue and just stared at it for what seemed like an hour. It was overwhelming to go back with a complete different understanding....
"I now know you. Thank you."
I also visited a church. As I walked directly to the cross, everyone stopped first to pray to Mary. They call her the Patron Saint of Cuba, the Virgin of Charity. (For more info and history http://www.sacred-destinations.com/cuba/el-cobre.htm) This brought on conversations about the Pope, saints, Mary and of course Jesus...in broken spanish, I shared my beliefs. Why not speak directly to the source? Why not directly speak with Jesus?
Other than Catholicism, many Cubans follow Santeria (Way of the Saints) an Afro-Caribbean religion with some Roman Catholic elements added. We did not talk too much about it. Nor am I really comfortable looking into it too much right now. All I know is that is is a religion that grew out of the slave trade in Cuba and often times involves ritual dancing and sacrifice. Its a mix of Catholic beliefs and African ritual.
Ahi na ma. (Enough about that. That's it.)
Ironically, Joel went around testifying for me. Opening doors. Somehow, he always seemed to tell others about my faith.
We had many conversations and I had the opportunity to share my love for Christ, my story and my journey.
Joel's family showed me so much love. I spent much time with them and never did they treat me with anything less than respect and love. In the past few days, God has truly blessed me and in turn his family.. Joel's brother Randy has diabetes. They explained to me that in Cuba, it is impossible to purchase a blood sugar monitor nor the strips-they just don't exist. He owns an old kit that was given to him by a tourist and is quickly running out of strips. Once all the strips are done, he will have to resort to peeing in a cup, putting a liquid in it and then placing it over a fire. The color it changes to determines his sugar level. I promised, I would do my best to get him strips by my next trip planned almost 6 months away.
God decided otherwise... I never read magazines... but this week I flipped through a magazine and the pages fell open to an inserted coupon available only in Canadian pharmacies for a FREE Blood sugar monitoring kit with the purchase of strips. I now have 200 strips, the lancets and kit for Randy. If that is not amazing enough, a client I met a year ago in Cuba came to see me at the bank for a loan.. He is off to Cuba next week and is staying at Joel's resort!! Since I had helped him with his impossible mortgage a year ago.. he had no problems carrying stuff to Cuba for me. All coincidence. Nothing but a blessing.
I spoke with one man who twice tried to escape Cuba. The first time, he sold everything he owned to buy an engine for the boat. It collapsed in the ocean and he had to swim back to shore. The second time, he was stopped by the police before even reaching the water. Imagine... if we are unhappy with the place where we live.. we have the freedom to pack up, leave and start over.. They can only 'escape'.
He finally came to terms with his life and is now working in tourism.
I discussed the reputation Cubans have concerning marrying tourists in order to get out of Cuba. It does happen. One man married a woman from Italy.. leaving his country and family behind.. only to be treated as prisoner by his new wife. She finally let him leave, and he came home to Cuba.
Many people around the world get married for the wrong reasons. Nonetheless, those who married for love, are still together.. in Cuba and abroad.
We were very lucky that that throughout our trip, not once were we approached by la policia. It is not uncommon for the police to walk up to a Cuban in the street ask for his id card should he be walking with someone who looks like or is a tourist. They verify that the Cuban is not a jinatero (escort or prostitute). I saw some extremely young girls approaching much older tourists. It is disgusting that an old man would take advantage of such a dire situation.
Everyone in Cuba has a way to make money on the side. Not out of greed.. they simply have to. A hotel worker will steal forks from the hotel, sell them to someone who turns them into jewelry to sell in the market. A bartender will sell you a bottle from the bar. A doctor will take money from a hotel entertainer to write up a fake prescription in order for them to get a few days off (Joel...for example... paid for a very bad kidney infection last week).
Speaking of infections... I started a fever on the Wednesday night. My glands began to swell the next morning. My foot was twice it's size by friday. We rushed back to Varadero in the middle of Friday night, again by car, in order for me to get medical attention by Saturday morning. I had been bitten badly by mosquitos and ended up with a nasty infection. I can only imagine the fear of the driver who must have thought he had a Canadian dying in the backseat of his car!! At a certain point, Joel later told me, he actually had to ask the guy to slow down!!
Even after 7 injections and crutches... I have nothing bad to say about the experience. The nurse and doctor were amazing. At least.. I was able to experience their medical system. Even in those moments, we found reasons to laugh.
I am so grateful for this trip. It surpassed all of my expectations.
I will cherish the memories and continue praying for the people of Cuba.
Early one morning, as we spent a quiet moment looking out at Cuba from the balcony ... After spending the previous days visiting the slums, the dirty streets...after shedding tears for their lack of freedom...after seeing the injustice and great poverty...
I told Joel..
"Even after all I have seen... I still love Cuba."
He answered quietly.....
"Me too."
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Oración
Lord.. again, I am off to Cuba.. but somehow, this time, things are completely different. I pray Jesus that you be with me on this trip. I pray for opportunities to speak of you. Please, please do not let me encounter problems at the airport.
In my own little way, I hope to make a difference. I hope to make someone smile. I hope for the opportunity to share love with someone I will never see again.
Thank you Lord for the opportunity to take this trip. Thank you for all the people that have given me things to bring over. Thank you for sending those missionaries to me with words and gifts of encouragement. Just the preparation for this trip has been completely different, heartwarming, exciting and overwhelming. Forgive me for taking so much for granted... we are so blessed. Thank you for putting it on my heart to make this trip count.
It's not much...but it's my own little mission...
and I will do it with all of my heart.
Friday, May 9, 2008
Infinite Amazing Beautiful
"In March 2002, astronomers were keen to try out the Hubble orbiting telescope's spiffy new camera. The camera, installed by Shuttle astronauts during "five of the most challenging spacewalks ever attempted" was 10 times better than the telescope's old camera.On April 2nd, Hubble turned to the Cone Nebula, a gaseous pillar in the Milky Way 2,500 light years from Earth. After a 3.4 hour exposure, the telescope produced the beautiful image seen on the left."
...wow.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Surprise!!
Wow..
First of all.. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for surrounding me with such loving people. Thank you for putting it on their hearts to show me that they care.
Not sure I have processed it all. Not sure it has just yet sunk in. But am so thankful and feel so blessed that I type this through tear glazed eyes.
Thank you to all of you that attended my 'surprise 30th party'..
You simply attending warmed my heart in ways I can't describe. Honestly, moments like these are hard to come by.
And ha... I am truly at a loss for words.
The messages you wrote me.. I will engrave on my heart.
There are no other words but Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I pray that God bless you all for making me feel so so blessed today.
First of all.. Thank you Jesus. Thank you for surrounding me with such loving people. Thank you for putting it on their hearts to show me that they care.
Not sure I have processed it all. Not sure it has just yet sunk in. But am so thankful and feel so blessed that I type this through tear glazed eyes.
Thank you to all of you that attended my 'surprise 30th party'..
You simply attending warmed my heart in ways I can't describe. Honestly, moments like these are hard to come by.
And ha... I am truly at a loss for words.
The messages you wrote me.. I will engrave on my heart.
There are no other words but Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I pray that God bless you all for making me feel so so blessed today.
This is my commandment, that ye love one another, even as I have loved you. -John 15:12
You brought that verse to life tonight. Thank you.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
One road. One journey. One Way.
Green lights.
Yellow lights.
Red lights.
TRAFFIC.
Sharp curves.
Crossings.
Crossroads.
PANIC.
Uturns.
Scenery.
Pit stops.
RESTING.
Guides.
Maps.
Directions.
SEARCHING.
Speeding.
Yielding.
Stalling.
Repair..
Oh dear Lord... will we ever get there?
Pebbles.
Mud.
Mountains
Valleys
Noise.
Distractions.
Crowded streets
Dark alleys
This road.
This journey.
These sights.
All above.
Driven only by
TRUTH.
FAITH.
GRACE.
And LOVE.
Yellow lights.
Red lights.
TRAFFIC.
Sharp curves.
Crossings.
Crossroads.
PANIC.
Uturns.
Scenery.
Pit stops.
RESTING.
Guides.
Maps.
Directions.
SEARCHING.
Speeding.
Yielding.
Stalling.
Repair..
Oh dear Lord... will we ever get there?
Pebbles.
Mud.
Mountains
Valleys
Noise.
Distractions.
Crowded streets
Dark alleys
This road.
This journey.
These sights.
All above.
Driven only by
TRUTH.
FAITH.
GRACE.
And LOVE.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Deuteronomy 32:10
In a desert land he found him,
in a barren and howling waste.
He shielded him and cared for him;
he guarded him as the apple of his eye
Romans 8:28
It's been an eventful night sitting here at my computer. Tears, laughter, thought... deep thought..
I don't know anymore..
I will put my heart out there.. again not wanting to.
Last year I left for Cuba for many reasons. I left on my birthday.
My plans for this year were to leave for Cuba once again.. Honestly.. I still haven't decided if I am going or not.. (I know you don't want to hear that from me.. but it's the truth.)
The Truth... the one thing I truly hold dear. And I beleive is one of the most important things in my life. It is something I strive to live for.. the Truth. It is something I try.. even to my detriment sometimes.. to share..
So let's share some of my truth..
The reason I want to go away every year on my birthday is because I dread the thought of spending it alone. My first year in this house.. I remember spending my birthday weekend alone sitting on the floor of my hallway..crying. (This is not something I really like sharing..but let's go on). My friends backed out and family just didn't feel like leaving the house.. So there I sat..on my birthday..completly..alone.
Scarred.
I would rather spend my birthday with complete strangers than to feel unloved by my loved ones. And yes the past is the past.. but I am not ready to risk feeling that way again.
(Stubborn mule.)
Coincidences are leading me to rethink my upcoming trip. But my upcoming trip is leading me to rethink coincidences.
Is something trying to keep me away? Or is God?
I am so confused... and will have to pray this one out.. because at this point I am still not convinced..
God's will. I need to know.
I don't know anymore..
I will put my heart out there.. again not wanting to.
Last year I left for Cuba for many reasons. I left on my birthday.
My plans for this year were to leave for Cuba once again.. Honestly.. I still haven't decided if I am going or not.. (I know you don't want to hear that from me.. but it's the truth.)
The Truth... the one thing I truly hold dear. And I beleive is one of the most important things in my life. It is something I strive to live for.. the Truth. It is something I try.. even to my detriment sometimes.. to share..
So let's share some of my truth..
The reason I want to go away every year on my birthday is because I dread the thought of spending it alone. My first year in this house.. I remember spending my birthday weekend alone sitting on the floor of my hallway..crying. (This is not something I really like sharing..but let's go on). My friends backed out and family just didn't feel like leaving the house.. So there I sat..on my birthday..completly..alone.
Scarred.
I would rather spend my birthday with complete strangers than to feel unloved by my loved ones. And yes the past is the past.. but I am not ready to risk feeling that way again.
(Stubborn mule.)
Coincidences are leading me to rethink my upcoming trip. But my upcoming trip is leading me to rethink coincidences.
Is something trying to keep me away? Or is God?
I am so confused... and will have to pray this one out.. because at this point I am still not convinced..
God's will. I need to know.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
New Christian.
As I headed to work today, all I had in mind where these words..
.
"Through the eyes of a child"
.
.
In the past few weeks, I have been referred to as a "new Christian" twice. And twice, somehow, it struck a chord in me.
.
Maybe...
God is trying to tell me something.. Remind me of something...
.
.
"Through the eyes of a child"
.
.
It is a wonderful, wonderful thing to be a 'new Christian'. Seeing for the very first time. Excited when new understanding comes around. Open.. so open to what God has to show me, what He has to say.
.
Every little thing is seen as a blessing. Every hardship seen as a lesson to be learned.
Reading, reading, reading, discussing, praying, worshipping....
So eager, hungry for knowledge & grateful for Grace.
.
JOY. The joy of a new life found through Jesus.
.
.
.
.
All this, seen only, through the eyes of a child.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
In the process...
Processing a few thoughts in my head.. just jotting them down and hoping to be able to blog about them soon..
-What is it to truly need? There is a big difference between needing and wanting. I think we often blur the two. What is it that we truly need and in this society, can we live on need alone?
-Evil people. I don't believe anyone is truly evil. We were all made in His image. Blind maybe but evil? ..no. Starting to take a hard look at the heart of others. Calloused hearts. Raging hearts. And what made them that way.
-Community. Judging others. Where does our judging stem from? I am starting to take a good look at myself. Imagining myself going to church for the first time wearing nothing but my past.
Brings on deeper thoughts about Grace and how it is available to all.
-Prayer. What is prayer? Why does God want us to pray? What do our prayers accomplish? God is not an order taker.. how can we make our prayers 'effective'. What does prayer bring to me? and how does God change my heart through prayer? How does He use my prayers?
-My future.. Where is God leading me? In my life, the relationships he has set on my path, the pressings I feel on my heart, the feeling of unrest, his involvement in my career and day to day. There are certain places I know God has placed me in and there I will stay. I just feel a pressing on my heart that another route will be coming along.. I am in waiting..
So there.. at this point.. those are the thoughts in my head... Welcome everyone. :)
-What is it to truly need? There is a big difference between needing and wanting. I think we often blur the two. What is it that we truly need and in this society, can we live on need alone?
-Evil people. I don't believe anyone is truly evil. We were all made in His image. Blind maybe but evil? ..no. Starting to take a hard look at the heart of others. Calloused hearts. Raging hearts. And what made them that way.
-Community. Judging others. Where does our judging stem from? I am starting to take a good look at myself. Imagining myself going to church for the first time wearing nothing but my past.
Brings on deeper thoughts about Grace and how it is available to all.
-Prayer. What is prayer? Why does God want us to pray? What do our prayers accomplish? God is not an order taker.. how can we make our prayers 'effective'. What does prayer bring to me? and how does God change my heart through prayer? How does He use my prayers?
-My future.. Where is God leading me? In my life, the relationships he has set on my path, the pressings I feel on my heart, the feeling of unrest, his involvement in my career and day to day. There are certain places I know God has placed me in and there I will stay. I just feel a pressing on my heart that another route will be coming along.. I am in waiting..
So there.. at this point.. those are the thoughts in my head... Welcome everyone. :)
My walk through the King's inner court.
I am now on the 5th chapter of my bible study/small group of the Book of Esther.
To be honest, when we discussed creating a small group, I was not a fan of having a woman's only group.. being the girl 'that said' she couldn't get along with women.. (Why do so many of us say that? I truly believe deep down, we long for those friendships..)
I was happy that we were studying the Old Testament, but again, found it 'cliche' that we would study a godly woman.
To be honest, when we discussed creating a small group, I was not a fan of having a woman's only group.. being the girl 'that said' she couldn't get along with women.. (Why do so many of us say that? I truly believe deep down, we long for those friendships..)
I was happy that we were studying the Old Testament, but again, found it 'cliche' that we would study a godly woman.
Wow..
This walk through Esther has been .. un -belieee-vable!!!! Since becoming a Christ follower, I have developped a love for coincidences.. and each study has been filled with them. Each part of this study has mirrored events in my life as they occur.
On one occasion.. although I knew I could not attend the study, I sat down and prepared for it... my journal was pretty much blank. I could not identify with the topic. I had nothing. To my surprise, I found out 2 weeks later that the group had been cancelled. BUT... within those two weeks the events that occured, the events I journaled once again fell in line with the study. And as I answered the questions, once again, pages and pages were filled.
I know.. I know... coincidence.. or maybe reading too much into each situation.... HAHA... nope..
It is so 'non-sensical' that it makes complete sense!!!!
I am not saying that God intended this study for me. Please don't get me wrong.. I believe our group has grown together and that each and every one of us has, up to now, taken much and learned much from this study. I am just amazed... and thankful.
Lord, I thank you. I thank you for this study & for surrounding me with strong women, women who love you. I thank you for Esther, and for the opportunity to know of her life. Thank you Lord for all you have taught me as you walk by my side through each chapter.
To the 'princesses' learning to be Queens:
It is a blessing to be a part of this group. It is not often that you find a group where you feel completly 'safe'. This group has been a place of growth, honesty and support. You ladies have much wisdom and I am so grateful to be able to share experiences, questions, doubts, fears, hopes and joys with you. Thank you.
This walk through Esther has been .. un -belieee-vable!!!! Since becoming a Christ follower, I have developped a love for coincidences.. and each study has been filled with them. Each part of this study has mirrored events in my life as they occur.
On one occasion.. although I knew I could not attend the study, I sat down and prepared for it... my journal was pretty much blank. I could not identify with the topic. I had nothing. To my surprise, I found out 2 weeks later that the group had been cancelled. BUT... within those two weeks the events that occured, the events I journaled once again fell in line with the study. And as I answered the questions, once again, pages and pages were filled.
I know.. I know... coincidence.. or maybe reading too much into each situation.... HAHA... nope..
It is so 'non-sensical' that it makes complete sense!!!!
I am not saying that God intended this study for me. Please don't get me wrong.. I believe our group has grown together and that each and every one of us has, up to now, taken much and learned much from this study. I am just amazed... and thankful.
Lord, I thank you. I thank you for this study & for surrounding me with strong women, women who love you. I thank you for Esther, and for the opportunity to know of her life. Thank you Lord for all you have taught me as you walk by my side through each chapter.
To the 'princesses' learning to be Queens:
It is a blessing to be a part of this group. It is not often that you find a group where you feel completly 'safe'. This group has been a place of growth, honesty and support. You ladies have much wisdom and I am so grateful to be able to share experiences, questions, doubts, fears, hopes and joys with you. Thank you.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Song in my head..
Hehe... was caught singing this at work..
Our God is an awesome God.
I didn't realize I was singing out loud.. I just had the song in my head all day...Ha! At least I wasn't dancing! .... (ok..maybe just a little haha.)
Our God is an awesome God.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Thank you.
Another great day. My cousin called out of the blue yesterday to meet for dinner. Just got home! Was another evening of discussion and confirmation. (God is absolutely amazing!)
I just wanted to say a quick thank you to all of you.
The outpour of wisdom, simple understanding and confirmation that can only be sent out by God has been overwhelming.
He has used you today.
Thank you and God bless!!
Cin
I just wanted to say a quick thank you to all of you.
The outpour of wisdom, simple understanding and confirmation that can only be sent out by God has been overwhelming.
He has used you today.
Thank you and God bless!!
Cin
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)