Prayer meeting

Joined Westside for prayer this evening. It was invigorating and refreshing.

Praying for others and prayers of thankfulness and gratitude definitely made me feel closer to God tonight.

On my heart.

God,
you are so good to me.

Thank you Jesus.

Divine intervention

I blogged out a letter to God but chose to delete it.

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I am not mad with God. I have many questions. I'm broken and searching for answers and comfort from Him.

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Nonetheless, midway, I deleted it. I am struggling and hurting. I am all for sharing my heart. But I would never want someone who is searching to fall on that one blog and by reading into my struggles instead deduct from it that God does not answer our prayers.

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I still beleive God does answer prayer. I still can't understand how, why, or when. But I beleive that He hears our cries. I think that He does intervene when we ask Him to..just not always in the way we would have liked.

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I asked God last night why He didn't hear my prayers, why He didn't make my father's spot disappear, why it had to happen now?

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I asked God "Why didn't You intervene?"

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I don't think I have often experienced God 'speaking' to me directly. At least not in this way..
But I am assured this time. So I will go ahead, at the risk of sounding terribly cliche and say it...God spoke to me.

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God said this.
'How do you know that I didn't intervene?'

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Yup..that's it. Nothing fancy. No thunderous words. No bright lights. Just one question, one sentence that completly interrupted my train of thought.

That one sentence... says a whole lot..

Beautiful blessings

-What a beautiful thing it is to have your heart break for something. To feel the burden of another's struggle. To want nothing more than to share the love of Christ and to trust that He can do the impossible.

-What a blessing it is to find meaning and purpose in this life. And to trust that I will never be acting alone, that I will always have Jesus guiding me.

-How amazing it is to know the meaning of true love. To feel unconditional love and to learn to give it back.

-How wonderful it is to let your guard down, without fear of being attacked or criticized. How wonderful it is to finally just be..me.

-How great is it to live with conviction, with belief, with faith.

-How beautiful is it to see the eyes of another's heart slowly open to the truth.

-What a blessing it is to see others deepening their relationship with God, following God, trusting God.


Beautiful..beautiful blessings.

May God bless you and may your heart overflow with His love. I pray that you see, feel, breathe, live the blessings He has placed in your life.
Amen. AMEN!

Greater things have yet to come.

When we hear one another..

I have been on this journey with 24/7 for about a month now.

Looking back, in God's perfect timing, I have been on this journey for much longer than that.

From the time I was saved a little over a year ago, I kept a journal. A few journal entries into my first journal, I stopped journalling and instead filled the blank pages with conversations with God. Pages and pages and pages...of prayer.

Reading back to this years journal, taking into account my new passion for prayer and my strong belief in the mission of 24/7, I see that God has been preparing me for this very moment.


Again, here are bits and pieces of my journal..

April 13/14th
Lord, where is it that you are leading me? Where is it? What is it you want from me? What are you asking? Lord, guide me. Teach me. Help me.

I have felt a strong stirring lately. I pray Lord that you bring things to light and make them clear.

I then refer to my blog where I wrote :

-Prayer. What is prayer? Why does God want us to pray? What do our prayers accomplish? God is not an order taker.. how can we make our prayers 'effective'. What does prayer bring to me? and how does God change my heart through prayer? How does He use my prayers?

-My future.. Where is God leading me? In my life, the relationships he has set on my path, the pressings I feel on my heart, the feeling of unrest, his involvement in my career and day to day. There are certain places I know God has placed me in and there I will stay. I just feel a pressing on my heart that another route will be coming along.. I am in waiting..


From then on, it seemed as thought I was on a quest for prayer. I read books on prayer that had up to that moment been left on the shelf, I called people for their thoughts on prayer, I read any scripture that pertained to prayer.. searching... for ...something...


April 25th
I search for You Jesus & yearn to pray without ceasing. Glorifying You. Praising You. Trusting You. Following You. I ask Lord that Your Spirit come alive in me. Guide me, speak through me.

May 1st
Thank you for surrounding me with lessons of prayer. You have engulfed me in prayer. Teach me to pray Jesus. Perfect me in prayer Lord. Teach me to pray without ceasing. Teach me to pray efficiently for others. To pray in a manner that is pleasing to You. Please God, show me how to pray and let your Spirit guide me in my prayers. Pray through me.


May 8th
Lord, this hunger I have for prayer and the feeling of some things to come have been placed on my heart for some time now. I thank you for it. I thank you for calling my attention to it.

I will continue learning, reading, searching as you prepare me for things to come. Help me be patient Jesus.

On my birthday, Daria (whom I met at community prayer in March) gave me Red Moon Rising- How 24/7 prayer is awakening a generation.. I did not read it until a month ago.. (I read it in a week!!! And will no doubt read it again!)

Through my journal, throughout the summer, even through the valleys, I continued in prayer.


Then in October, Westside did an entire series on prayer.. and I knew.. I knew.. something was happening. I stretched out of my comfort zone and tried different ways to speak and hear God as often as I could..
Praying out loud. Praying over people. Setting up a prayer wall in my room. Praying in pictures. Writing prayers in my phone message book at work before I begin my day..

I practiced what God had been teaching me..

Then in a funny turn of events, Daria (24/7 leader) and I grew closer and I became (as she puts it) her Barnabas haha.. The past few month has been such an adventure!! God is doing amazing things and we are so blessed to catch a glimpse of it!

And here we are.. two days before our 24/7 Canada Vision night held here in Montreal.


Proof to me..

God hears our prayers.

Follow me.- Today

First of all.. To my God.
Lord forgive me.

And to you... I am so sorry.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow." - James 4:14

I learnt this the hard way tonight. I truly believe that this is the first time that I am fully aware that I missed out on a blessing. That Jesus cried out "Follow me" and I replied .. "tuesday".

It is not that I did not have it on my heart to do what the Lord called me to do. I was just ... busy. Imagine that.. don't I feel sheepish now? Actually, I feel much worse.

Lord, I pray, that the next time you place something on my heart.. I drop everything to follow you.

If you believe that God is calling you to do something. Do it now. Follow. Do not tarry. Nothing is more important and all other things (which in hindsight are simply details) can wait.

"Act decidedly and take the consequences. No good deed was ever done by hesitation."

Thomas Henry Huxley

"Nonna" .. Rispoci in Pace. I know you are with the Lord. I will continue joining you in your prayers for your loved ones. Without ever meeting you have touched my heart. Thank you.

When God hears your prayers.

Bits and pieces from my journal...
August 5
Lord, I long for connection. Does this walk have to be a lonely one? Can I not connect with others? Forgive me Jesus if my thoughts are misplaced. I am simply searching for what it is I have been trying to fill. What is it that is so lacking that I would resort to old ways..

I long for a group of people I can simply 'be' with. I ask Lord that you guide me through this time and stay with me Jesus.

I pray about these feelings I have about my community. I long for friendships with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I wish we could enjoy our company outside of Sundays. I pray for true and deep relationships.

It was lacking & I resorted to finding it in the world. Forgive me Jesus.

I pray for Westside. For true friendships. For a weekly, daily community. Not just Sundays. Help me take the steps to reach out. Help me try Lord. And if all else fails.. I will trust in you Lord.



My Daily Devotional email sent to me this morning...
August 10
BIBLE MEDITATION:
“For where two or three are gathered together in My name, there am I in the midst of them.” Matthew 18:20

DEVOTIONAL THOUGHT:There is something wonderful about unity. I heard about a fellow who courted a girl by writing her a beautiful love letter every day for two years. He thought that would be a wonderful way to court her. Do you know what happened? She married the mail carrier! There is nothing like being there. There is nothing like personal contact. There is a sense in which Jesus Christ is present when His people gather that’s not in any other sense. You cannot get it the same way at home.

ACTION POINT:Do you have a church home? If not, I encourage you to find one today. If church attendance isn’t important, I wonder why Satan works so hard to keep folks away. If you do have a church home, make a special effort this week to meet a new friend and find a need they have which you can meet

Today's Sunday Gathering..
Focusing on community, church...

Acts 2 42-47
And they continued stedfastly in the apostles' doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers.
And fear came upon every soul: and many wonders and signs were done by the apostles.
And all that believed were together, and had all things common;
And sold their possessions and goods, and parted them to all men, as every man had need.
And they, continuing daily with one accord in the temple, and breaking bread from house to house, did eat their meat with gladness and singleness of heart,
Praising God, and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved.

My confession.
I need my community. I need a tight circle because I cannot fight alone. I attempted to find these relationships in the world and it led me to sin. The world is very enticing. I describe it as.. a steak which tastes like heaven..better than heaven.. but never fills you. You are hungry..starving.. so you keep, day after day, eating that one steak..which looks so good and tastes so sweet..but which never fills you.
It broke my heart and tore at my spirit. It led me to believe lies. I am not strong enough to fight alone. I feel like I'm drowing...and it breaks my heart.
Forgive me for not trying harder. Forgive me for the bitterness in my heart. Forgive me for beleiving lies.

Lord.. after all I have done, I cannot even begin to comprehend how you would hear my prayers. I thank you for meeting me in the dirtiest, darkest places. Thank you for showing me how much I mean to you..And for loving me when I feel like I am undeserving of even singing your name. Jesus.. I know you are with me. Fighting by my side when I am about to give up. The deepest desire of my heart Lord is to always be in your presence and to please you Lord. Forgive me for not living it out. Forgive me for being too weak to fight at times. Forgive me for doubting that you will fight for me.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you.

Red light.

Blog to come soon...

Ready to walk.

Decided it's time to go home.

Thank God.

Fallen Angel.

To you..

My spirit cries for you.

You know that you are on a slippery slope. You have once again had a taste of this world. One touch to your lips and it all came flooding back in. It felt wonderful didn't it? Then why is it that you feel so empty?

It breaks your heart to be in the place that you are. Not lost.. but definitely not on a road worth walking.

What is it that led you to turn? What is it that caught your attention? One split second, one glance... one wrong turn.

So you stand on this road... looking ahead yet seeing the past..

His voice you once heard is getting fainter... yet He hasn't moved. He is right there standing where you left Him.. calling out your name.

Standing at the gates.

How ironic that I find this after my last post.

Wisdom stands at the gates...

Proverbs 8
Does not wisdom call out?
Does not understanding raise her voice?
On the heights along the way,
where the paths meet, she takes her stand;
beside the gates leading into the city,
at the entrances, she cries aloud:
"To you, O men, I call out;
I raise my voice to all mankind.
You who are simple, gain prudence;
you who are foolish, gain understanding.
Listen, for I have worthy things to say;
I open my lips to speak what is right.
My mouth speaks what is true,
for my lips detest wickedness.
All the words of my mouth are just;
none of them is crooked or perverse.
To the discerning all of them are right;
they are faultless to those who have knowledge.
Choose my instruction instead of silver,
knowledge rather than choice gold,
for wisdom is more precious than rubies,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
"I, wisdom, dwell together with prudence;
I possess knowledge and discretion.
To fear the LORD is to hate evil;
I hate pride and arrogance,
evil behavior and perverse speech.
Counsel and sound judgment are mine;
I have understanding and power.
By me kings reign
and rulers make laws that are just;
by me princes govern,
and all nobles who rule on earth.
I love those who love me,
and those who seek me find me.
With me are riches and honor,
enduring wealth and prosperity.
My fruit is better than fine gold;
what I yield surpasses choice silver.
I walk in the way of righteousness,
along the paths of justice,
bestowing wealth on those who love me
and making their treasuries full.
"The LORD brought me forth as the first of his works,
before his deeds of old;
I was appointed from eternity,
from the beginning, before the world began.
When there were no oceans, I was given birth,
when there were no springs abounding with water;
before the mountains were settled in place,
before the hills, I was given birth,
before he made the earth or its fields
or any of the dust of the world.
I was there when he set the heavens in place,
when he marked out the horizon on the face of the deep,
when he established the clouds above
and fixed securely the fountains of the deep,
when he gave the sea its boundary
so the waters would not overstep his command,
and when he marked out the foundations of the earth.
Then I was the craftsman at his side.
I was filled with delight day after day,
rejoicing always in his presence,
rejoicing in his whole world
and delighting in mankind.
"Now then, my sons, listen to me;
blessed are those who keep my ways.
Listen to my instruction and be wise;
do not ignore it.
Blessed is the man who listens to me,
watching daily at my doors,
waiting at my doorway.
For whoever finds me finds life
and receives favor from the LORD.
But whoever fails to find me harms himself;
all who hate me love death."

Reservation.

Well, I guess it is safe to say that God has taught me much about transparency over the last year. I have attempted to be as genuine and as honest as possible.

Now, I believe it is time for a new lesson.

Reservation.

You see, it is great to be transparent.. honest. But as with everything else, your intentions that lay behind that honesty is what is important.

Beware of being unrighteous as you strive for righteousness.

I have come to realize through very unfortunate events that ones transparency can hurt others as well as oneself. If, in your transparency you display darkness found in your heart.. especially to unbelievers... then any of your attempts to shed light are nulled.

I must confess, that I have harbored bitterness in my heart. In an attempt to expose truth, I sunk to the level of exactly what I was combatting. Instead of showing grace, forgiveness.. I seeked justice.
Now, I am the one who feels I should ask forgiveness of those I (knowing Christ) should have forgiven a long time ago.

I have removed my blog from my facebook profile for the time being.. and am still not sure how I will proceed with the blog itself. After a year of open book on facebook, it may be time to refine.

To you ..should you read this,
I do not write this to right where I went wrong. I do pray that you forgive me. I could justify my intentions but in the end my sin, which should have only fallen on my shoulders, has affected you.
I apologize.

To you.. who will never read this,
Forgive me for holding these feelings of bitterness and anger against you. Forgive me for judging you. Forgive me for never forgiving you.

To you...Lord.
Forgive me Jesus. I thank you for blessing me with sight of my wrongdoings. I pray Lord that you bless those I have hurt. I ask that you teach me to shine only light. Teach me reservation when my heart is misplaced and wisdom to know when and when not to share. May my actions and words only reflect the God I follow.

June 16th 2008

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Psalm 30

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I will extol thee, O LORD; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me.
O LORD, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.
Sing unto the LORD, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness.
For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.
And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved.
LORD, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled.
I cried to thee, O LORD; and unto the LORD I made supplication.
What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth?
Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper.
Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;
To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

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It brings me to tears when I think that a year has gone by since this journey began. I have spent this evening reflecting, remembering, thanking...

I am overwhelmed with gratitude, a gratitude that cannot easily be expressed in words, but more so by tears of joy. I have written and rewritten this post.. and just cannot find the words.

I have no words. As I look back on this year, I am FILLED with joy and an overwhelming feeling of love. I am AMAZED by my very personal yet immense, amazing God.

I wanted to thank all that have crossed my path, walked with me, shared their wisdom or simply said one word in passing that may have touched my heart, stirred my Spirit. I wanted to write of the beautiful truths I have learnt, of the faith I was given... But my heart is simply bursting with these 3 words...

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THANK YOU JESUS.

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Oración

Lord.. again, I am off to Cuba.. but somehow, this time, things are completely different. I pray Jesus that you be with me on this trip. I pray for opportunities to speak of you. Please, please do not let me encounter problems at the airport.

In my own little way, I hope to make a difference. I hope to make someone smile. I hope for the opportunity to share love with someone I will never see again.

Thank you Lord for the opportunity to take this trip. Thank you for all the people that have given me things to bring over. Thank you for sending those missionaries to me with words and gifts of encouragement. Just the preparation for this trip has been completely different, heartwarming, exciting and overwhelming. Forgive me for taking so much for granted... we are so blessed. Thank you for putting it on my heart to make this trip count.

It's not much...but it's my own little mission...

and I will do it with all of my heart.

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Lord,

I thank you for bringing each one of them onto my path.

Deuteronomy 32:10

In a desert land he found him,

in a barren and howling waste.

He shielded him and cared for him;

he guarded him as the apple of his eye

New Christian.

As I headed to work today, all I had in mind where these words..

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"Through the eyes of a child"

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In the past few weeks, I have been referred to as a "new Christian" twice. And twice, somehow, it struck a chord in me.

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Maybe...

God is trying to tell me something.. Remind me of something...

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"Through the eyes of a child"

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It is a wonderful, wonderful thing to be a 'new Christian'. Seeing for the very first time. Excited when new understanding comes around. Open.. so open to what God has to show me, what He has to say.

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Every little thing is seen as a blessing. Every hardship seen as a lesson to be learned.

Reading, reading, reading, discussing, praying, worshipping....

So eager, hungry for knowledge & grateful for Grace.

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JOY. The joy of a new life found through Jesus.

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All this, seen only, through the eyes of a child.

My walk through the King's inner court.

I am now on the 5th chapter of my bible study/small group of the Book of Esther.

To be honest, when we discussed creating a small group, I was not a fan of having a woman's only group.. being the girl 'that said' she couldn't get along with women.. (Why do so many of us say that? I truly believe deep down, we long for those friendships..)
I was happy that we were studying the Old Testament, but again, found it 'cliche' that we would study a godly woman.

Wow..
This walk through Esther has been .. un -belieee-vable!!!! Since becoming a Christ follower, I have developped a love for coincidences.. and each study has been filled with them. Each part of this study has mirrored events in my life as they occur.

On one occasion.. although I knew I could not attend the study, I sat down and prepared for it... my journal was pretty much blank. I could not identify with the topic. I had nothing. To my surprise, I found out 2 weeks later that the group had been cancelled. BUT... within those two weeks the events that occured, the events I journaled once again fell in line with the study. And as I answered the questions, once again, pages and pages were filled.

I know.. I know... coincidence.. or maybe reading too much into each situation.... HAHA... nope..
It is so 'non-sensical' that it makes complete sense!!!!


I am not saying that God intended this study for me. Please don't get me wrong.. I believe our group has grown together and that each and every one of us has, up to now, taken much and learned much from this study. I am just amazed... and thankful.


Lord, I thank you. I thank you for this study & for surrounding me with strong women, women who love you. I thank you for Esther, and for the opportunity to know of her life. Thank you Lord for all you have taught me as you walk by my side through each chapter.

To the 'princesses' learning to be Queens:
It is a blessing to be a part of this group. It is not often that you find a group where you feel completly 'safe'. This group has been a place of growth, honesty and support. You ladies have much wisdom and I am so grateful to be able to share experiences, questions, doubts, fears, hopes and joys with you. Thank you.

Nothing.

God was with me even when I refused to know Him.
He was right there by my side.

God loved me.. even before I came to love Him.

Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.

Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.

At a loss for words...
When 'thank you' cannot even begin to describe what I feel in my heart.