One road. One journey. One Way.

Green lights.
Yellow lights.
Red lights.
TRAFFIC.
Sharp curves.
Crossings.
Crossroads.
PANIC.
Uturns.
Scenery.
Pit stops.
RESTING.
Guides.
Maps.
Directions.
SEARCHING.
Speeding.
Yielding.
Stalling.
Repair..
Oh dear Lord... will we ever get there?
Pebbles.
Mud.
Mountains
Valleys
Noise.
Distractions.
Crowded streets
Dark alleys
This road.
This journey.
These sights.
All above.
Driven only by
TRUTH.
FAITH.
GRACE.
And LOVE.

Deuteronomy 32:10

In a desert land he found him,

in a barren and howling waste.

He shielded him and cared for him;

he guarded him as the apple of his eye

Romans 8:28

It's been an eventful night sitting here at my computer. Tears, laughter, thought... deep thought..

I don't know anymore..

I will put my heart out there.. again not wanting to.

Last year I left for Cuba for many reasons. I left on my birthday.
My plans for this year were to leave for Cuba once again.. Honestly.. I still haven't decided if I am going or not.. (I know you don't want to hear that from me.. but it's the truth.)

The Truth... the one thing I truly hold dear. And I beleive is one of the most important things in my life. It is something I strive to live for.. the Truth. It is something I try.. even to my detriment sometimes.. to share..

So let's share some of my truth..

The reason I want to go away every year on my birthday is because I dread the thought of spending it alone. My first year in this house.. I remember spending my birthday weekend alone sitting on the floor of my hallway..crying. (This is not something I really like sharing..but let's go on). My friends backed out and family just didn't feel like leaving the house.. So there I sat..on my birthday..completly..alone.

Scarred.
I would rather spend my birthday with complete strangers than to feel unloved by my loved ones. And yes the past is the past.. but I am not ready to risk feeling that way again.
(Stubborn mule.)

Coincidences are leading me to rethink my upcoming trip. But my upcoming trip is leading me to rethink coincidences.
Is something trying to keep me away? Or is God?

I am so confused... and will have to pray this one out.. because at this point I am still not convinced..

God's will. I need to know.

New Christian.

As I headed to work today, all I had in mind where these words..

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"Through the eyes of a child"

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In the past few weeks, I have been referred to as a "new Christian" twice. And twice, somehow, it struck a chord in me.

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Maybe...

God is trying to tell me something.. Remind me of something...

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"Through the eyes of a child"

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It is a wonderful, wonderful thing to be a 'new Christian'. Seeing for the very first time. Excited when new understanding comes around. Open.. so open to what God has to show me, what He has to say.

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Every little thing is seen as a blessing. Every hardship seen as a lesson to be learned.

Reading, reading, reading, discussing, praying, worshipping....

So eager, hungry for knowledge & grateful for Grace.

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JOY. The joy of a new life found through Jesus.

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All this, seen only, through the eyes of a child.

Classic.

In the process...

Processing a few thoughts in my head.. just jotting them down and hoping to be able to blog about them soon..

-What is it to truly need? There is a big difference between needing and wanting. I think we often blur the two. What is it that we truly need and in this society, can we live on need alone?

-Evil people. I don't believe anyone is truly evil. We were all made in His image. Blind maybe but evil? ..no. Starting to take a hard look at the heart of others. Calloused hearts. Raging hearts. And what made them that way.

-Community. Judging others. Where does our judging stem from? I am starting to take a good look at myself. Imagining myself going to church for the first time wearing nothing but my past.
Brings on deeper thoughts about Grace and how it is available to all.

-Prayer. What is prayer? Why does God want us to pray? What do our prayers accomplish? God is not an order taker.. how can we make our prayers 'effective'. What does prayer bring to me? and how does God change my heart through prayer? How does He use my prayers?

-My future.. Where is God leading me? In my life, the relationships he has set on my path, the pressings I feel on my heart, the feeling of unrest, his involvement in my career and day to day. There are certain places I know God has placed me in and there I will stay. I just feel a pressing on my heart that another route will be coming along.. I am in waiting..

So there.. at this point.. those are the thoughts in my head... Welcome everyone. :)

My walk through the King's inner court.

I am now on the 5th chapter of my bible study/small group of the Book of Esther.

To be honest, when we discussed creating a small group, I was not a fan of having a woman's only group.. being the girl 'that said' she couldn't get along with women.. (Why do so many of us say that? I truly believe deep down, we long for those friendships..)
I was happy that we were studying the Old Testament, but again, found it 'cliche' that we would study a godly woman.

Wow..
This walk through Esther has been .. un -belieee-vable!!!! Since becoming a Christ follower, I have developped a love for coincidences.. and each study has been filled with them. Each part of this study has mirrored events in my life as they occur.

On one occasion.. although I knew I could not attend the study, I sat down and prepared for it... my journal was pretty much blank. I could not identify with the topic. I had nothing. To my surprise, I found out 2 weeks later that the group had been cancelled. BUT... within those two weeks the events that occured, the events I journaled once again fell in line with the study. And as I answered the questions, once again, pages and pages were filled.

I know.. I know... coincidence.. or maybe reading too much into each situation.... HAHA... nope..
It is so 'non-sensical' that it makes complete sense!!!!


I am not saying that God intended this study for me. Please don't get me wrong.. I believe our group has grown together and that each and every one of us has, up to now, taken much and learned much from this study. I am just amazed... and thankful.


Lord, I thank you. I thank you for this study & for surrounding me with strong women, women who love you. I thank you for Esther, and for the opportunity to know of her life. Thank you Lord for all you have taught me as you walk by my side through each chapter.

To the 'princesses' learning to be Queens:
It is a blessing to be a part of this group. It is not often that you find a group where you feel completly 'safe'. This group has been a place of growth, honesty and support. You ladies have much wisdom and I am so grateful to be able to share experiences, questions, doubts, fears, hopes and joys with you. Thank you.

Song in my head..

Hehe... was caught singing this at work..

I didn't realize I was singing out loud.. I just had the song in my head all day...Ha! At least I wasn't dancing! .... (ok..maybe just a little haha.)

Our God is an awesome God.

Thank you.

Another great day. My cousin called out of the blue yesterday to meet for dinner. Just got home! Was another evening of discussion and confirmation. (God is absolutely amazing!)


I just wanted to say a quick thank you to all of you.
The outpour of wisdom, simple understanding and confirmation that can only be sent out by God has been overwhelming.

He has used you today.

Thank you and God bless!!

Cin

Nothing.

God was with me even when I refused to know Him.
He was right there by my side.

God loved me.. even before I came to love Him.

Nothing can separate me from the love of Christ.

Sunday Lunch.

In response to my last post... maybe God was simply waiting on me to acknowledge and openly confess my feelings at the time.

To my friend, I had written...
The few things that are keeping me at least looking That way is that there is no condemnation in the love of Christ.. You are forgiven..He knows what will happen..and IF I pray.. He has the power to somehow bring me back..

In short... for the past week... I have been battling with the dry spell feeling after a month of spiritual highs.

After countless invitations over the year... I finally participated in a Sunday lunch with a group of Christians from around Montreal.. which ended at 9 this evening! We ended up sitting in Second Cup discussing Gideon and Samson.

My hunger for knowledge was stirred again..

The honest Truth.

I have always attempted to be honest in this blog. Honest.. Transparent..
Simply wondering.. how much of my heart should I be putting out there?

Going through a strange time...

Don't truly feel like going into it.. But in an attempt to get some of it out there.. here's a response a good friend sent me a few days ago.. somehow, again, pointing That Way. (Thank you)



Cindy remember when we meet the Lord we fall in Love and then we feel the honeymoon is over with Jesus, and thank God because we would never know his many other sides. Likehow he doesn't push you to be something your not. I felt what you are going through, but look at it like ok so i don't feel it now, i realized something though. That my sins of now later and the past have been attoned for. Your heart however and the real life business of Living with Jesus is not a simple one mainly because you have to deal with the Fact that in your callousness and and unrepentant heart you have tasted Jesus, not looked at not heard about not pondered but really tasted and no one can take that away from you.

Remember he is a Father and is not this tyranically demanding father, if he were why give choice in the first place?Realize that the times when you feel this way it's a low from the Highs and that's why when you read about the lives of Moses, Elijah, Noah , Jonah and so on and so on, you read about their low's

I mean Cindy Jeremiah for crying out loud said

Jeremiah 20:9
Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.

He got fed up.

James 5:17
Elijah was a man subject to like passions as we are...

Your not slipping but know it is now where the living of what you have been taught despite your past history of complete extremism, Jesus wants to rid you of that kind of faith, and create in you a quiet strong assuredness. That means giving you the knowledge of him and facing trials of ambivalence, but it is your Job to remember the character of this God Called Jesus, who often times put his friends the disciples in a boats heading into a storm lol, and he knew about it.

last verse
Isaiah 50:10
Who is among you that feareth the LORD, that obeyeth the voice of his servant, that walketh in--- darkness---, and hath no light? let him trust in the name of the LORD, and stay upon his God.

My favorite place..

I love Cuba. There is something about that place that I yearn for, something about Cuba that takes my breath away. I truly deeply love Cuba.

It is not the 'all inclusive' aspect, the beach, the tourists, nor the resort that attract me.. I love the streets of Cuba, the homes, the people.

It was strange to return in a completely different head space than I was less than a year ago. I planted seeds where I had left only weeds.

I had the opportunity to visit a church on Easter and it was a beautiful, overwhelming experience. This little church in the middle of Varadero was jam packed, Cubans at the front and tourists at the back, some simply peering through the windows.. A man saw me easing my way through the tourists at the entrance and flagged me to a pew in the front. I have never seen, nor sensed, such HOPE as I worshipped amonst them.. It was beautiful.

I also had an amazing encounter with an old woman in... of all places... the bathroom of a club. You see, when you go out in Cuba, there is no toilet paper.. a woman sits before the entrance and hands you a square in exchange for a peso or two. This woman pointed at the cross around my neck.. so I crouched down next to her and asked if she believed. She showed me her 'fingerless' right hand and said.. " I tell my five children every day that I would not have made it through my accident and through this life had it not been for God." We agreed that this life is temporary and that we would meet again in heaven.

The people in Cuba amaze me. I will always always cherish the moments I have spent simply talking with them.. some for hours on end....They have nothing.. nothing.. yet they have hope and contentment. On this side of the world, we live our lives from day to day.. stressed about tomorrow, stressed about next week, next month, next year. We think we 'need'... a new car.. a new phone.. new shoes.. We strive to be on top.. strive to achieve great things..

We don't have the slightest clue what 'need' truly means.

They work to eat.
That is to need.

They strive to survive.

That is success.