Can't you hear him knocking?

It pains me that you do not see. That you cannot hear God knocking at your door.
It breaks my heart.

He loves you. He is calling you. Do you chose not to hear? You feel the nudge.
I have seen firsthand how God can 'woo' someone. I have seen him relentlessly try to get the attention he more than deserves. Looking back, I can only bow my head down and cry when I realize that GOD went to all that trouble just for me!?? It is a beautiful thing to see. It is overwhelming to ponder.

When Jesus calls you by name, it becomes hard to ignore.

By the stories you tell me.. I can see that He has always been there. Right by your side.
Hindsight.. such a beautiful beautiful thing.. How many times has God knocked on your door?
How much more is He knocking now? How much more will He have to do before you see? No coincidence has gone unnoticed. From my experience, a coincidence has always been a wink from God.
You are seeing him everywhere, he is present everyday.

If only you knew the beauty, the joy that awaits you. It is more than anything this world can offer. You may feel complete in my presence. I will never be able to complete you. You may believe that you feel true love.. beloved.. you have not felt true, pure, unconditional love until you have fallen into the arms of Christ. Nothing - absolutely nothing compares.

I believe that with God - All things are possible.
He is knocking. Follow him. He will do the rest.

God can speak through any man.

My home Westside did not have a gathering this Sunday. I took the opportunity to visit a different community. Since their Pastor was out of town, they had a visitor come in to preach. Many, including myself were shocked/uncomfortable by his manner of preaching. I believe it may have been the wording he used. Nonetheless all of that is unimportant. In the midst of his words, a message was still present..

God can speak through any man... sometimes you simply have to listen a little harder. Dig.. Seek.

Here are a few things I jotted down during the service. Some were said by the Pastor and others were brought to mind while he spoke.

~God is not far. Even when we don't feel him.

~We must all have a vision. If you are in a difficult situation, at a crossroad, silence... Wait on God.

~Lift up no other man but Jesus!

~Respect your Pastor. Respect your elders. Respect those that teach you. Guide you.

~Respect the grace given to others. See in everyone the grace given. (love this one.)

~Honor God through your behavior.

~The Church belongs to all of us, not just the Pastor. It is as much our responsibility as his.

~Believe in God. All things are possible!!

~With God, there are no mountains. Stand firm.

~What has made you go back? What has made you fall?

~Do not lose the battle because of pain. Keep your eyes on the reward.

~Respond to God's word. Respond to His voice. Even when you don't fully understand.

~Call on me and I will answer. Seek and you will find me.

~APPROACH 2008 WITH JESUS CHRIST.

Amen.

My first Christmas.

Christmas 2007. My first Christmas with meaning.

The only way I can define this Christmas is LOVE. Just as I felt after my Baptism, I am at a loss of words. I can only describe what happened but cannot truly define it.

Spending time with my community, worshipping God, spending time with family, serving the less fortunate, making connections, creating unforgettable memories, praying and learning more about Christ.

That is what Christmas is all about. Beautiful isn't it?

Christmas?

Eyes open.
Im a little disappointed.
I guess it should be expected.

Where is the meaning of Christmas? What in the world are people celebrating?

I went shopping a few days ago... since I am now aware...
I found it sad to see how hard it was to find a cross (unless on sale in the jewelry department).
I was so upset to see two 'Bible quote calendars' (on the very bottom shelf) in the Calendar store as opposed to 26 Bikini calendars. (So upset that I took them off the shelf and placed them at eye level)

I was all excited to put up my Christmas tree...
and then realized I had no clue why we even did put up a tree!!

Before becoming a Christian, I refused to celebrate Christmas.. I found no meaning, I found it commercial.

I wonder.. why do people celebrate Christmas? Do they realize what celebration they have masked in tinsel? What does it mean to them? Do they celebrate without meaning?

Let's see in 6 months from now.

6 months ago to the day my journey began. In the beginning of this walk all I heard was "Let's see 6 months from now.." But, I knew. I knew that I had been blessed with the opportunity to meet God. Blessed with the chance to get to know him. Blessed by his grace.

I am so thankful to have been placed on this walk. So grateful for the experiences. I am in awe with the unbelievable sequence of events that I truly believe were predestined.

Lord, I believe in you with all of my heart. I truly believe that with you all things are possible.. ALL THINGS.
I trust you and love you more than anything.
Thank you Jesus.

My path.

Made it back from Mexico in one piece. Saw such beautiful things. Had some wonderful conversations.

I now come back to 'reality' and am faced with another decision. Another crossroad which I place in your hands. I am too small, too naive, too ignorant to truly know what is best for me. I can't always even discern the intentions of my actions. I try...

So I call out to you and yearn to hear. If you speak.. I will follow.

Countdown to Mexico. Finally relieved.

When I saw this in Havana... It captivated me...

but I had no clue why...

Cuba, Havana May 2007.

.

.

.

"Lightbulb thought" :

If he caught my attention in Cuba..

How much more will I see him, when I seek, eyes

and heart wide open.

No need to be afraid. He is right there.

Countdown to Mexico.

Taking my first trip since my Cuba escapades. And although I don't want to admit it.. I'm terrified. It is not falling, stumbling that terrifies me.. It is not the fear of resorting to old ways.. I am aware and I am going on this trip clutching to Jesus.
I am just scared. I can't put my finger on it.

I ask that you pray that our father, my savior, my love and my friend for life, stays close to me on this vacation.



Lord, I place my fears in your hands. I long to sit by the ocean and dwell in your presence. I beg that you hold me up, give me discernement and even miles away from home, I wish to represent you in all of my ways.
Be with me.

I love you.

Forgiveness

Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me,

and I forgive him? till seven times?
Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

.

All of us have made mistakes in our lives. Some of those mistakes have had huge consequences on the life of others.

.

I was placed in a situation today and as I saw the whirlwind of chaos, screaming and hurtful words surrounding me, all I could think about was forgiveness. All I could think about was Jesus.

.

You see...There is this person...

He once made a huge.. catastrophic mistake.. a wrong turn.. a bad decision.

His loved ones are unfortunately still paying for it.

.

As I watched the fight heat up.. my heart suddenly broke for this person. I felt so deeply for him. I hurt for him.

.

How many times do we have to make a mistake known to someone?

How many times do we have to remind him of the pain he has caused?

.

Yes.. he may have hurt us. Yes.. we may have been disappointed. Yes.. we may still be paying for it.

But it is done. We don't have the ability to go back into the past and erase it. I wish we could. I'm sure he wishes he could.

.

I am sure that this person has enough turmoil to deal with within his own heart.

I am sure that he hasn't even forgiven himself yet.

.

It reminded me of how, we sometimes sin and turn to Jesus. We know that we are forgiven. That - in his eyes - we are again as white as snow. Nonetheless.. we seem to have a much harder time forgiving ourselves.

We all deal with our own demons from the past. We are hard enough on ourselves.

.

.

I know what it feels like to be truly forgiven.

And I wish with all of my heart that you could feel it too.

I am no better than you.

I chose to follow Jesus' ways..

So, my brother, I love you and I chose to erase the past from my mind and my heart. I forgive you for what you have done... and seventy times seven times more.

In the name of the Father.

(In response to my October 7th post)

Funny how some questions remain unanswered for some time and then when you least expect it, you are presented with the answer.

My Father.
I was unable to grasp it. To understand.. until this week.

A father will always try to protect you and wants with all of his heart to shield you. He will share his wisdom with you. He wants what is best for you. And loves you unconditionally.

If you do something wrong, if you get yourself into trouble.. your father will get you out...simply because he loves you.
A father will bail you out of jail, not because he agrees with what you have done, but because you are his child and he will always do everything in his power to help you.
If you suffer from an addiction, at some point, your father will bring you to rehab.. not because he wants to see you suffer but because he wants you to heal.
If you seek your father's advice, at times, he will remain silent and let you make the tough decisions. And even if you make the wrong decision, he will always be there to go back to.
He can show you where you have gone wrong.
He can tell you why you did right.

You are always precious in your father's eyes.
Your father will always love you.

Prayer.

Jesus,
I pray that, today, you overlook my intentions, my wishes and wants.
I simply ask that you use the yearnings of my heart.
I ask that you not listen to my words but simply remember their names.

I thank you for your love. In your precious name Jesus, I pray.
Amen.

Sunday thoughts..

I often leave gatherings so thankful. Today is no different.

I am so thankful for what God has done in my life. I am always striving to grow, always trying to keep focus or should I say regain focus. But when I take a moment to reflect on what He has done with my heart, my thoughts, my outlook on life in these past few months, I am overwhelmed.

I go through my day to day as I always have but something has changed. And to 'step out of myself' and reflect.. I am no longer the person I was!?
In no means am I gratifying myself. I am just amazed at what God has done. I am nowhere -nowhere- near perfect. There are so so many areas in my life that God has to restore. There are areas I don't even see yet. But.. wow...

Who would of thought... I can't even find the words...

It is hard to grasp.. even harder to put into words...

Although the message today was not necessarily about all this.. somehow, something was put into my heart. It feels as though I was put in front of a mirror and forced to look. As though Jesus held me in front of that mirror and said.. Look!


Jesus.. I thank you.

I thank you for keeping your promise, for transforming me, for changing my heart, for searching me, and for showing me how amazing you truly are.

Grateful.

Most of this blog has been filled with lessons learned. When I read back, I remember the situation I was in which led me to the lesson.
The situation itself, in hindsight, is never as important as the lesson that came out of it.

Tonight, I write again to remind myself.
So often, we yearn for 'big' things.. and forget the little miracles and wonders that surround us.
I write this so as not to forget the many things I already have to be grateful for.

I have two extremely special people in my life that I can truly count on to listen, guide and teach me. It is Jesus that has brought us together and created a bond that I have never experienced before. So I am eternally grateful to have you, Christina and Elie, on this walk with me.

I have become a part of the Westside community. A group of truly good people who love Christ and strive to live by his Word. I am grateful to have found a community that I love worshipping with, serving with and growing with. So many different walks all on the same path. So many experiences and knowledge under one roof.

I am thankful to have my pastor Dave and his wife Franca. They truly are an inspiration.
I am grateful to have a pastor who is down to earth and whom I trust is guiding us in the right direction. Who loves God with all of his heart and who shows his commitment to the growth of his community.

I am grateful to see that people can care without any benefit to themselves.

I am blessed to have my cousin Cindy, who truly knows me and the struggles I have faced in my life and who understands.

I coming to realize that everything and everyone is placed in certain places at certain times in our lives. It is all planned out.

I am grateful for the nudges, the awakenings, the messages I get out of the blue. The Bible verses that appear before me in such light when I need them the most.

The strangers that have said things that only I could understand at that moment. The beautiful coincidences that make absolutely no sense.. the coincidences that make sense of it all.

I am grateful that in such a short period of time I have learnt so much.
So many lessons, so much wisdom, so much guidance.

This walk isn't always easy.. and I stumble, I complain, I cry.. but now.. taking a moment to stop and look around, I see such beauty.

Forgive me Lord for not seeing all you given me.
Thank you Jesus.

Tears.

I am so thankful that in the times when I cry, in the times when I feel like I am off track, in the lowest loneliest times.. is when I hear him so clearly.

It is a beautiful reassurance.

Thank you Jesus.

Sunday thoughts..

.

So simple. Yet, so difficult to answer..

I am sure that oftentimes.. when I will answer this question.. it will be followed by a NO.. (and an ahhhh maaann !! ) ..

.

No one ever said it would be easy. Nonetheless.. it's all worth it in the end.

Sunday thoughts...

"Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live;"

.

"Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near:"

.

"So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper [in the thing] whereto I sent it."

Isaiah 55

.

.

Relishing in my Sunday again. I am coming to believe that lately, when I honestly take the time to listen, when I rejoice in spending time with my God... He will guide me, confirm my doubts, confirm my convictions.

.

.

He will heal my heart and do wonders to my soul.

.

.

In these times, where my guides have pulled back slightly and I am walking cautiously on my own, I am using the awareness and discernement given to me and I am putting all my trust in Jesus to guide my path.

.

"But the Comforter, [which is] the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you."

John 14:26

Love ME.

My week without the internet is finally over. Made me realize how dependent I can be. Although I felt cut off from the world.. or cyber world.. it truly was a blessing.
I spent alot of time reading, praying, journaling and sometimes just listening. And realized time away from this screen may do me good from time to time.

"He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
And he that doth not take his cross and follow after me, is not worthy of me.
He that findeth his life shall lose it; and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. "

Matthew 10:37-39

Sunday Thoughts...

First of all, wanted to thank Dave Manafo for inviting Dom Ruso to speak at Westside today.

Prayer.
Although Jesus is always there to cast our cares upon and will always, always be there to listen... He already knows our needs before we even utter them.
I first met Jesus as a friend. A caring, loving friend. The only one in whom I could trust would never let me down. The one I often turn to throughout my day.
I have also known him as the love of my life.
He has been my guardian and teacher.
He has been my God.

Now - I will take the time to spend with my Father.
Take the time to truly listen. In silence, with my heart and with my soul... Listen.
....Who knows what He may want me to hear....

:)

Deeply in Love. Facebook Treasures.

Transformation.

Something deeply touched my heart tonight.. A great realization.. I am human!!

Humans laugh, cry, hurt, love... I was created with those characteristics.
Along the way, I have picked up, learned other characteristics...
I have accumulated habits, attitudes, coping mechanisms & defenses.

Which leads me to transformation....
Webster’s Definition of Transformation :
A conversion, revolution, makeover, alteration, or renovation.

Nowhere in this definition do we see the words immediate, instantaneous...

God is working on my heart each and every day. I am learning. LEARNING.
There is a difference between changing and learning.
Anyone can change overnight.. but will it last?

Learning is letting each lesson sink in. You learn through trial and error. To learn is to seek the truth. To want the truth.

God is working on my heart each and every day. I am unlearning. UNLEARNING.
I am unlearning old habits, letting go of parts of me that I picked up along the way. Parts of me that he did not create. Parts of me that are not in his image.

I see it as peeling, carving, chiseling my heart.

I am not making excuses for my actions.
But am coming to an understanding that transformation is a 'process'. As long as I seek with every lesson, every tribulation, every temptation, as long as I always turn to Jesus, even if sometimes in hindsight.. then I am on the right path towards restoration.

I have an honest desire to be restored. Which that in itself is a transformation.
I come to the Lord with an open heart and am thankful for every trial and lesson before me. I know that as I open my heart to him, He will teach me.

It is painful. It is sometimes frustrating. But I am so grateful. What greater thing can anyone ask for than to have their heart transformed, restored by the one who created it? How great is His love that he would even take the time to work on me?

So I, human, will keep on walking this walk with the one I love. And along the way, he will always love me.
And together, by the choices He places before me and His immesurable grace and love... I will be transformed.

PSALM 119

No other love.

No other love will ever be as precious as the love Jesus has for me.
Therefore, how can I settle for cheap imitations in shiny packages?

No other love will ever be as unconditional as the love Jesus has for me.
Therefore, why would I compromise myself for any other?

No other love will ever be as constant as the love Jesus has for me.
Therefore, why would I have to look anywhere else?

No other love will ever be as understanding as the love Jesus has for me.
Therefore, why would he not search my heart, know my desires and lead me to what is best for me?

I hold Jesus in my heart. The Spirit within me is worth more than any precious stone.

Nothing, no matter how shiny, beautiful, enticing, fulfilling, rewarding will ever compare.

No other love will ever be as great as the love Jesus has for me.

Thoughts...

"Watch and pray, lest ye enter into temptation.

The spirit truly is ready, but the flesh is weak." Mark 14:38

The spirit truly is ready - The spirit knows. It is willing and is aware. It discerns.

But the body is weak.

Ha! You know when something deep in your heart tells you not to do something. Stays.. weighs on your heart?

Sometimes you know that a place, an event will lead you into temptation.. you know. You rationalize, saying you are strong enough to resist.. nonetheless.. you know. You know that if you were to give in, you would have to close your eyes, harden your heart, and cover your ears... ummm, you would have to 'give in'.

And at the same time as your heart screams NO.. another part of you is screaming BUT just as loud.

Watch ye - Use caution. Be careful. Be aware.

AND PRAY!

This is the first time in my walk that I choose not to test what I hear. It is not the most pleasant choice to make.. going the other way would be much easier. As I said, close my eyes, close my ears. But this time, I choose to trust. I choose to follow even if my inner core is screaming "BUT". I am going against myself because ........

.....

because I know it is right.

Thoughts...

Again, yearning..

Trying to discern what it is... Trying to figure out why I feel a craving in my soul. Can't quite explain it. Can't put my finger on it.

This is the second time I feel this way. As though something needs to be filled, and I ache to find it.

This ache.. this void.. brings me to tears.

I always try to hold tight to the love Jesus has shown me since day one.. In these moments of craving, I am not sure if what I feel is silence, or distance.. I can't describe it.

I wait for guidance, I remind myself to trust that he is still there, I 'clutch' to his love and I search.. and maybe that is exactly what He wants..

That way. Remembering Sept 16th

Why I love Sundays.

Sunday is my favorite day of the week. All week long, no matter what I may encounter, I always always look forward to my sundays.

Everyday, I take time out to speak with Jesus. I always try to find even a moment to spend with Him. These moments usually fill me with a sense of peace, fulfillment, love.

Sundays are a little different... I use them to let him speak to me. Every song, every prayer, every message, speaks to me. On Sunday morning, I truly take the time to devote myself to only him. I dwell in his love, listen with an open heart to his message.

It is also a beautiful thing to be surrounded by others that love Him as much as I do. Others that know him. Others that live by his ways. It is encouraging, especially when I often spend my weeks persecuted, ridiculed for my faith.

My Sundays are precious to me. My God is precious to me.
In this busy life we live, where the world runs fast, where noise attacks from all sides, where darkness lingers, I appreciate every moment where light can be found.

Jesus.. I thank you for Sundays.

My Baptism September 16th 2007

I am writing so as to not forget what I felt, experienced today. It was such an overwhelming feeling of joy, it is hard to put into words...

I do not think that I have EVER felt such love...
Love.. THAT is what I felt as I came out of the water... I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell from the rooftops.. I felt completly engulfed in love. Wow.

I am so thankful for Westside for sharing this moment with me. I was blown away by the involvement of the community from set up to take down... from cooking to cleaning up.. I have never felt such a sense of belonging and for this, I thank you.

I was blessed to have so much family attending. My cousin Cindy & Boris who have known Jesus for over a decade.. I thank you for your prayers.
My mother... I thank you for confirming the changes I have been through, confirming the joy you now see in me. I thank you for supporting me on this journey.

Paul, it was an honor to be baptized at the same time as you. I find it astonishing, how two different people with completely different stories have come to know the same Jesus.

Dave and Franca, I thank you for offering your home for all of us to celebrate as a community. It was a beautiful day. Thank you for all of your hard work, your guidance & support. I am extremely grateful.

Christina and Elijah... there are no words to describe the love I feel for you. You have both been there from day one... In such a short time, you have taught me the true meaning of friendship. It meant the world to me to have you both with me today.


Overwhelming love are the only words I truly have to describe today. A love that engulfes you entirely and brings tears to your eyes.

Thank you Jesus.
May you always keep this moment in my heart.

A message from a friend...

Received this the day before my baptism.. Words...What a beautiful gift.

Cindy...I wanted to write you a little bit of where my heart is at. You have been on this incredible journey since June 16th, 2007. It seems to me that Jesus took one look at you and couldn't look away. I mean he always had his Eye on you but for some reason it's like your eyes connected and you were DONE from then on. The night before this huge declaration of Faith in Jesus is the reason I write to you. I want you to know that everything past is gone...the moment that you made a decision to love HIM..he wiped everything away and gave you a beautiful new Beginning. You will walk into that water tomorrow in front if your family, friends and many people that could mean different things to you along this journey. As we watch you make this declaration we will stand with you and celebrate this New Life!! These are the people that one day will hold you accountable to walk when you would much rather SIT!! You are growing so much and the transformation that had happened in your life increases my faith...though I had little to do with any of this...we give HIM all the glory!! I am trully blessed to have encountered you on this journey and to have the priviledge of sharing in your triumphs and defeats is my greatest fufillment. Yes often it has been difficult but loving unselfishly and enduring with you through different tests has been the most rewarding time of my life. I'm not sure if you can deeply understand what that means to me. I have gone through some different trials of my own this year and it seems that through you Jesus has been speaking. As stubborn as i am...i often resist but gently he restores me. ....................
I am commited to Jesus and I am committed to you. I need you to know that...not out of obligation...just because I have a deep AGAPE love for you. A love I cannot explain. One that wants to protect you from anything that will hurt you...but I realize that you will and are making your own decisions. I pray for you always and I know I am sometimes silent...but in the quiet I constantly present you before Him praying that you will Run the good race...never give up and never settle for cheap imitations of the real LOVE that you found. I want you to know that tomorrow I watch my SISTER baptized into the greatest family and I want her to know how much I love her..................
I am so proud of you and your incredible step of Faith. May the Jesus you met...be with you forever and EVER. Till Heaven Cindy...I wonder if our rooms are next to each other?? LOL!!

Standing behind you always,
your sis

My Testimony

Dear Jesus,
It's me again... I want to thank you for gathering everyone here today, thank you for allowing me to share such a special day with my true friends, my family and my community.
I’m finding it hard to talk about myself today because it’s not about me. It’s all about you. About your great, unbelievable forgiveness, your love and your grace.

Grace… grace is seeking, forgiving and loving someone who truly never deserved it. How grateful I am, that you saved me. Me… the promiscuous girl. The girl who ran away to Cuba twice in a month and came back feeling as empty as when she had left. The girl that prided herself on the how much alcohol she could drink. The one that nobody could approach, let alone dare speak to because my raging heart would lash out at them. The girl that refused to have a bible in her house!!! The girl that felt nothing but anger, rage, hate and numbness.
Me.. the girl living in darkness.

Nonetheless, by grace, through the prayers of my family and co-worker… you saved me…
They have all said, that they would have never imagined it to be me, that I would probably be the last to be saved, and yet.. you found me.

I was running in a completely different direction and yet … through the casual conversation, in the middle of a club, with one of your children, Lord, you found me.

And then a few nights later, no longer able to live surrounded by darkness, no longer able to live with the darkness in my heart, I sat alone sobbing. I asked you to forgive my sins. I asked that you come into my life and show me the light I had seen in others.

Since that night, you have shown me nothing short of miracles, within myself and my surroundings. The drinking t-shirts are gone, my old ways are now meaningless and my heart is beginning to soften.

I must admit, along this walk I have struggled, I have stumbled.. But yet, with every fall, you have taught me beautiful lessons. I am also convinced that I will always have you Lord to turn to.

You have wowed me, guided me, consoled me, LOVED me.

To my family, Cindy Louise, Boris and the Westside Community. I thank you.
To 'my mules', my brother and sister, Elijah and Christina.. I love you and I thank you.
To my Savior, my Teacher, my Friend.. Jesus.. I thank you.

I pray that I always keep my eyes on you. I thank you for your love, forgiveness and grace. Lord, I give you my heart. I love you because you loved me first.
Thank you Jesus.

Battles.

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high [places].

Ephesians 6:12

One week before my Baptism.. have come to a strange realization. This week has felt like I have been punched over and over. Feels like a war is going on within myself , as well as between the world I was once a part of and the world I now belong to.

We always tend to think of temptations in a sexual context. This week I have been tempted in more ways than one...

Tempted to resort to anger instead of turning the other cheek, tempted to abandon friendships that seemed too complicated, tempted to drink, tempted to resort to old ways, tempted to give up when challenges arised. All sorts of daggers have come my way. All sorts of soft temptations. I feel as thought darkness is desperately trying to win me back in any way possible.

I must admit, it is the strangest thing... to see...

I have also realized when reading Ephesians 6:12 .. those of this world, don't know better. How can I not forgive them for attacking me when they don't even realize what they are doing? I admit that they may do things maliciously.. but malice comes from sin.. and sin comes from evil. Is it not then darkness that commits all the evil in this world? I was there.. I didn't know.. I did not see. They just chose to follow.. not knowing any better.

Such a battle. Wow.

Just realized how trivial our day to day really is.. with every punch felt I received this week.. there was a much bigger battle going on.

Also realized that I don't need to retaliate anymore. My only focus should be on Jesus. Loving Jesus. The battles are fought for me.

Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God:

Ephesians 6:16-17

Found what I was looking for.

Exactly...
Thank you Jesus.

Psalm 51

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.

Thoughts...

Yearning for something in the past few days.. feels like I'm searching.
Just don't know what it is just yet that I'm looking for and have no clue where I will find it.

For you. Just because.

I will never be able to fix your problems, I cannot heal your heart...all I can do is listen and pray because I trust in my heart that He will do the rest.

Lord, I thank you. From the bottom of my heart all I feel is love for you and eternal gratitude. By grace, I was saved. GRACE. Thank you.

I pray Lord, that she find peace. That you search her heart. You know her desires, aspirations, dreams.. may she trust in you Lord and may you lead her to happiness. In her turmoil, distress, may you shine, may you be her lighthouse.

Please Lord.. may her faith never falter and may she always see the beauty in your grace.

Jesus, I pray for him.. may he realize how much you truly love him. May he know in his heart that his transgressions are forgiven. May he move on and walk Lord, without always having to look back. Break him free of the chains he has created.Speak to him Lord, console him, comfort him. Protect him and his loved ones.

For them I pray.. may they come to see you Jesus. I pray that they see the light. And that when surrounded by darkness, they search the light and run towards it. Sometimes.. all they need is to feel the warmth in order to find the source of light.

For him, Jesus… please guide his steps.. He is so close, yet chooses not to hear. Break down those walls Jesus. Be bold and maybe he will one day give you all of him. For this I pray with all of my heart. Keep him safe.

For her, I pray. Let her get through these difficult times. Watch over her and her family. Give her strength and draw her near. She is surrounded by darkness..

For them, help me Jesus, answer any questions they may have, in whichever way you see fit. Speak through me.

For him.. show him Lord that there is so much more than the life he is leading. And that that path leads to nowhere. Give him awareness.

For them, I pray.. I do not know what is resting in their hearts, I do not know what they need. But for them I pray. You know, and through you.. everything is possible.

I pray for them... Heal them. Strengthen them. Teach them. Protect them. Carry them. Guide them.

I thank you Jesus for the beautiful things I have seen. I thank you for the gifts, the lessons, the tears and smiles..I thank you for bringing all of these people onto my path, whether they be simply crossing or walking right beside me. I am overwhelmed with love for you and wish nothing more for everyone here.

With my eyes and heart fixed on only you Jesus, for them I pray.

Thankful

Thank you Lord for keeping my friend safe.

Thank you Jesus for a beautiful day.

Prayer for him.

"The LORD is near to all who call on him,

to all who call on him in truth."

Jesus, I pray for my friend who is in the hospital tonight. I feel physically helpless, nonetheless, with you by my side, helpless I am not. Thank you Jesus.

Please Lord, heal him. Bold statement, but many have beleived in the past and you have healed. I beleive that you can heal him. I ask that you place your hand on his chest and your hand on his head and that you heal him. This man loves you Jesus more than anything and has such respect and love for your children.
Please let him know that you are right by his side and that you will not let him go. Please be with him.

I know Jesus that it is all in your hands, I know that you already have our path set out for us. But I also know that he is not done knowing you, praising you and loving you and that you have far bigger things prepared for him Lord. This man has guided me, scolded me, consoled me and brought me closer to you Jesus.. Through him, you have shown me beautiful wonders.

Jesus, please.. heal him.

Words brought to me in 3s

Grace. Grace. Grace.

Heard it in threes and on top of that was immediately confirmed to me through the voice of a friend. Don't know where it will lead me, but wanted to write it down to look back on when I do.
Floored.

Thank you Jesus.

Thoughts...

Thankful.

My Elijah

"Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.

And Elisha . . . saw him no more"

2 Kings 2:11-12

"This Experience Must Come
It is not wrong for you to depend on your "Elijah" for as long as God gives him to you. But remember that the time will come when he must leave and will no longer be your guide and your leader, because God does not intend for him to stay. Even the thought of that causes you to say, "I cannot continue without my ’Elijah.’ " Yet God says you must continue.

Alone at Your "Jordan" ( Kings 2:14 ). The Jordan River represents the type of separation where you have no fellowship with anyone else, and where no one else can take your responsibility from you. You now have to put to the test what you learned when you were with your "Elijah." You have been to the Jordan over and over again with Elijah, but now you are facing it alone. There is no use in saying that you cannot go— the experience is here, and you must go. If you truly want to know whether or not God is the God your faith believes Him to be, then go through your "Jordan" alone.

Alone at Your "Jericho" ( 2 Kings 2:15 ). Jericho represents the place where you have seen your "Elijah" do great things. Yet when you come alone to your "Jericho," you have a strong reluctance to take the initiative and trust in God, wanting, instead, for someone else to take it for you. But if you remain true to what you learned while with your "Elijah," you will receive a sign, as Elisha did, that God is with you.

Alone at Your "Bethel" ( 2 Kings 2:23 ). At your "Bethel" you will find yourself at your wits’ end but at the beginning of God’s wisdom. When you come to your wits’ end and feel inclined to panic— don’t! Stand true to God and He will bring out His truth in a way that will make your life an expression of worship. Put into practice what you learned while with your "Elijah"— use his mantle and pray ( 2 Kings 2:13-14 ). Make a determination to trust in God, and do not even look for Elijah anymore." -THIS EXPERIENCE MUST COME Oswald Chambers

The way I see it....

I am so so thankful to have you in my life. I thank God for bringing you.
Through you, I have heard Jesus..
Through you, he has taught me, guided me, comforted me. You don't even realize the confirmations I hear through the words you say..
You may not even realize that the moments you appear usually mean and confirm so much to me and that often, it is our Lord that sent you...
Nonetheless, I know that in tribulations, you are not the one I need to turn to..
I know in my heart that when I do turn to you, you will simply point me in His direction.
I now know what direction that is..


Elijah, I thank you.
Lord, I thank you for Elijah.

Awareness

Realized today as I walked down the street.. the same street I have walked up and down for the past two years.. how aware I was.
Aware of the fact that my feet were on the same pavement they have always walked but also aware that I was not walking in the same world I was before.
Or at least it feels like it... It is the same world... but now I am aware.

I see things I have always seen in a whole different light.. and I see things I would never even imagine seeing.
I see the good.. the immense, beautiful, unbelievable good.
And I see the darkness.

Although it's a gift, awareness is not always easy to bear.
I am aware of my actions, the consequences, I recognize my emotions, my shortcomings, my talents.
It is not always pleasant to see it all. Because sometimes you see things you know you must deal with and know it would have been a much easier route to walk blindly.

I don't just live... I see.
And from what I see.. I must learn.

RAW

"Behold, happy is the man whom God correcteth:

therefore despise not thou the chastening of the Almighty:
For he maketh sore, and bindeth up: he woundeth, and his hands make whole."

Job 5:17-18

Raw.. my heart feels raw.

Here's a bit of my story.. can't tell it all.. there's no need - it's between God and I..

But some people who have met me lately may not see the Cindy that lays beneath.. may not have known the Cindy that is now transforming..

So many layers of filth have to be removed before we get to my core.. So much hurt, disregard, anger, sin..

I have been through more than my share of abuse. Abuse from men, abuse of men, abuse of myself.

Only now that I have stopped drinking, have I realized how dependant I was on it. I would tell myself to slow down after 15 drinks.. An acquaintance of mine told me a few days ago that I really drank alot, had quite the tolerance, especially for a woman.. Now, why didn't anyone tell me back then? (Ahh yes, my anger)
It numbed me. And to now be in a state that I actually have to deal with life - let me tell you, it's far from pleasant!

Near the end.. hmmm...I should say my beginning.. I lost complete regard for myself and all people surrounding me. I can honestly say that I really didn't care.

Now on to the rage.. another defense mechanism that never turned out too well..I used to feel it intensify in my heart until I completly lashed out. I still sometimes feel anger these days, but rage?

Hmm.. the men.. hardest thing to be honest about. The only word that could equate to my view on love was 'conquered'. I conquered men or at least I tried.

I was self-centered, insecure & proud..
I made myself out to be a much harder person than what was truly on the inside.

So.. now that I am on this new walk.. I have to face this all. I have to face it, break it down to the core and then let it go.

Not very pretty is it?
I have never had to look at the dark corners of my heart, have never had to feel the pain, the ugliness of it all. Back then, I had three choices when dealing with filth - run away, rage against it, or drink.

I now have three new choices before me...

See with my eyes, hear with my ears and understand with my heart.

Letting go

Sometimes our hearts are no longer calloused but ... there are still some pebbles left that we are not willing to let go of.

Jesus wants all of our heart.... all of our heart!!

You pray that he fill the void in your heart, heal the pain, but you aren't willing to let go of that one pebble. You hide it in the deep corners of your heart.
And then you ask why you suffer so?? Why do you feel so torn?
If you ask me... a pebble sounds pretty painful no matter how small.. And you know what?? A void sounds so much more appeasing...

Do not get me wrong.. I am not making light of this at all!!

The way I see it..

Our hearts are like gardens..
during our walk.. Jesus weeds.. he takes out all of the bad and in time, replaces it with beauty.
But you may have this one flower that you are not willing to lose.. you've cultivated it, you've loved it and you just won't let go. And during that time, the root just dug deeper and deeper..
In your walk, you may have tried to let go .. by cutting off the stem..
My friend.. the root is still there.
Once in a while, Jesus will tug at that root.. AND IT WILL HURT..

You must be willing to let it go.. and he will take it away..

and in time.. he will replace it.

I have seen the pain of letting go.. The ripping effect you feel in your heart when you are finally ready to let go. It's not that you don't trust that Jesus will fill the void, it's just that it's too painful to deal with.

But he won't let you sacrifice something you've held on to and not be there to comfort you.

He knows pain, He knows sacrifice..
He died on the cross!! And He did it alone...

He will comfort you.

Reminder.

Keep your eyes on me and you will always be safe.

Thoughts..New Walk

As I have mentioned Jesus talks to me in such a unique manner. When I do hear him, he is bold. Often, he speaks to me through complete strangers. Last night was a hard lesson learned.
Learnt alot....

I am new in this walk and although I may feel like a lion sometimes, that may be my weakest points. Because then my focus is turned on myself and not on Jesus. Pride, power... weakness.
My faith is fragile. I cannot always stand tall, I alone cannot overcome.

I must guard my heart and at the same time, am accountable for the soul of others.

My understanding of sin was also warped.. Funny, you read, but do not always retain. I understood that my past transgressions were forgiven. Did not understand that those to come were also.
Unfortunately, walking with Christ does not mean that we are free from sin. Our flesh is never free from sin. Even when you love Jesus with all of your heart, you are still not free from sin.

I am forgiven but that does not mean I should go out and sin again. I am free, but that does not mean that sin no longer has a price.

He is always there..
Even when I tried to turn my back, close my eyes and not hear. He was there. He yanked me back. He yelled, sreamed so I could hear. And I heard.

And then softly, lovingly, through a complete stranger as I got back on the right path.. .. he whispered..... "That was not wise".

I am God's. I will overcome and you will hear ME roar.

The devil wants me.. I feel it. He's there, close. Waiting for me to fall. Hoping that temptation lead me to sin. Hoping that if I do fall, I give up & go back to 'easier' ways. He's waiting to pounce.

A few nights ago, felt his presence stronger than ever... but I prayed and (Thank God) it passed.
He can never snatch me out of God's hand, and God will not let me be tempted with anything that He knows I cannot handle.

I can hear him through the words of others. It's so clear - it's ridiculous!!
"Cindy, come back to the dark side"
"Come back to our team"
"You'll be back."

The way I see it....
First of all, I was on the front lines of the devil's team. He's not too happy to have lost a soldier.
And he knows my ways, so he knows how strong & faithful I can be whether it be for good or evil.
Therefore I have now become a threat.

The devil will stay close when I am at my weakest. And he knows my weaknesses. In my lowest lows, he gave me my highest highs.

He knows
.... God has plans for me. ; )

and God in all of this?? Why does he let me see these temptations??
Because He knows that once I overcome, my faith will be that much stronger. There are lessons in this walk that need to be learnt the hard way.
And He will always provide a way out... it just all comes back to choice.

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour. "

Peter 5:8

Thoughts

Praying...
I feel that often we pray asking for what we want, desire, or feel we need. My understanding is that what we want is not always what is best.

I do beleive we do receive some things on silver platters.. but they are gifts. Free gifts. Simply because he loves us.

I ask that I be able to give him everything of me on a silver platter. May he hold my wants, desires and needs. May I be able to lift both hands in the air and let him decide. Let him take away what should not be and let him give me what should.

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering: for he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord"

James 1:5-7

Who am I to know what is best for me? Who am I in comparison to God? He already knows my path.. why in the world would I not trust him to show me the way?

"When thou wast young, thou girdedst thyself, and walkedst whither thou wouldest: but when thou shalt be old, thou shalt stretch forth thy hands, and another shall gird thee, and carry thee wither thou wouldest not" John 21:18

In the past, I always got what I wanted... honestly, always! That was not God. It was not based on faith or trust. More so on power. And power can lead you to very dark places. The devil will give you all your heart desires. Unlike God, the devil's gifts are never free -there is a price. You may not see it, blinded by that power, but there is always a price.



So therefore, kneeling before God, I humble myself. May what He wants - be given.

Reminder

Avoid the illusions and dishonesty of infatuation -

"The beginning phase of recovery is always a very emotional and painful time. Still, all this pain can be an important motivator for recovery, providing great incentive to take the difficult steps necessary for real change to occur. However, "falling in love" (and taking the focus off self) can easily create a false sense of well-being. In the "scary," unfamiliar, and often painful time of early recovery, becoming "special" to a person of the opposite sex is a tremendous ego booster. This can create the illusion of being much farther long in the process of recovery than they really are. Additionally, the commitment to "rigorous honesty" is usually forsaken as they strive to make the best possible impression to win the affections of the other person. "

A reminder for myself when my head is in the clouds. Stay honest, transparent and true. Stay focused on how I got here. Stay focused on who saved me.
Keep both feet grounded and always remember...

DMX -Lord give me a sign.

Lord Give me a sign.

I really need to talk to you lord
cause since the last time we talked the walk has been hard
and I Know u havent left me but I feel like Im alone
Im a big boy now but Im still not grown
And I'm still goin through it (WHAT!), pain and the hurt (YEAH!)
Soakin up trouble like rain in the dirt (YEAH!)
And I know! If only I can stop the rain
With just the mention of my savior's name.. in the name of Jesus!
Devil I rebuke you, for what I go through
Been tryna make me do, what I used to (WHAT!)
But all that stops right here (YEAH!)
As long as the Lord's in my life, I will have no fear
I will know no pain from the light to the dark (COME ON!)
I will no show no shame, spit it right from the heart (COME ON!)
'Cause it's right from the start, you held me down
And ain't.. nothin they can tell me now!

Let me know what's on yo' mind
Let me know what I'm gon' find
It's all in time, show me how to teach the mind
Show me how to reach the blind (LORD GIVE ME A SIGN!)
Show me what I gotsta do, to bring me closer to you
As I'ma go through, whatever you want me to
Just let me know what to do (LORD GIVE ME A SIGN!)
Please, show me some'n (some'n)
I'm tired talkin to him, knowin he frontin (frontin)
Cryin 'bout, "Life ain't nothin" (nothin)
But you either, be the one mad 'cause you trapped or the one huntin (COME ON!)
Trapped in yo' own mind, waitin on the Lord (YEAH!)
Or huntin with the word that cuts like a sword

The spoken word is stronger than, the strongest man
Carries the whole world like the strongest hand
Through the trials and tribulations, you never let us down JESUS!
I know you're here with us nowJESUS!
I know you're still with us now
Keep it real with us now, I wanna feel, show me how PLEASE! Let me take yo' hand, guide me! (WHAT!)
I'll walk slow but stay right beside me!(PLEASE!)
Devil's tryna find me! (PLEASE!)Hide me! Hold up, I take that back
Protect me and give me the strength to fight back! (LORD GIVE ME A SIGN!)

Life or death, live or die
I will never live a lie
I'm gon' get because I try
I won't quit until I die
I'm gon' make it, wrong or right
And make it through the darkest time
And when the morning comes, you'll see that all I have is God in me! (LORD GIVE ME A SIGN!)

Remembering..

June 16th 2007 .
Out of the blue, when I least expected it, through someone I least expected ... Jesus knocked on my door. All this time, all my life, I was walking- no - running in utter darkness. On June 16th... I was told to stop running... on June 16th, I was pointed in another direction... I was told to go THAT WAY.

After that one knock.. that one glimmer of light... I witnessed unbeleivable and beautiful things. Although I always had the choice to continue blindly through this wretched life.. how could I?
I met Jesus.

Since that day, my life, in such a short time has changed in ways I could not even imagine. I have changed in ways even I sometimes have trouble grasping.

It has been such a beautiful month. It has been a difficult month.

I write this now because I must hold on to what I have seen and felt. I REFUSE to turn my back.

I have lost many 'friends'... the phone has stopped ringing.. the nights out have grown few.
It is a choice I have taken. One that is not always easy to accept.

Nonetheless.. I must remember.. I must trust... Which path is better? The dark path filled with others walking with you.. which leads you nowhere? OR The temporarily lonely path with a light shining at the end?

Remembering... Trusting.... I choose to walk towards the light.

I choose to go That Way.... His Way.